Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This was a pretty nice little short story. It does a pretty good job with a pretty simple little plot. It's a pretty fun little story and the emotions on display seemed to be pretty good as did the dialogue except for that one overreaction by the mom but I guess that does occasionally happen.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I was completely captivated, like a deer in the headlights, my eyes never leaving the big, ugly, hairy spider that was sitting before me. It was my sister’s pet tarantula. It had deserted its cage and was moving from side to side, undulating evilly, its eyes all looking at me. I inched slowly back, then turned and ran, looking for something to catch it with.

Hmm well that's a nice place to start. A somewhat weak description there but it's not too terrible so it should be fine but adding a couple of more specific things there would be nice.

I wasn’t a spider-lover and hated the fact hat my sister had bought one of the ugliest and hairiest spiders that I’d ever seen. I finally found a net in the garage, and raced back into the house. The spider was waiting for me on the steps. It had gotten halfway down and was making pretty good progress. I slammed the net down with a crack, but missed the spider. It skittered sideways and leaped down to the next step. I scrambled away and brought the net down again. The spider stopped short and the net came crashing down in front of it.

Well that's some pretty accurate stuff right here. Spiders like tarantulas are really hard to catch. They can jump way faster than you think would be possible for a spider.

The prickly spider had gotten between me and the floor, and there was no way that I could get leverage with the net from up above the spider. I backed up and jumped, landing at the foot of the stairs. The spider was sitting motionless, its cold black little eyes contemplating me. I swung the net again, but missed as the spider skittered off the last step and onto the hall floor. I began slamming the net down wildly, hitting the floor all around me with the net. The spider was gone. I looked up and saw it skitter into the bathroom. I winced.

UH Oh that is going to lead to some problems.

“Squish it! Drown it! I don’t care. Just get it out of my house. I’m going to skin your sister alive for this!”

Okay the mom is shouting some slightly exaggerated death threats there when I assume she probably allowed the spider to be purchased.

I slid the cutting board under the net as my mother let out a gasp of disgust. With a lightening fast movement, I removed the net and slammed the colander down over the entrapped spider.

Ouch...I like spiders. This is hard to read.

Just then, my sister returned from wherever she had gone to. She unzippered her jacket and came into the living room.

I think it's just unzipped there.

My sister sighed, still petting the tarantula, which was perched on her fingers. She nodded, and then went upstairs to put it back in its cage, which obviously hadn’t done its intended job.

Spiders can be pretty smart about getting out of cages so that's accurate. One thing though is that tarantulas are pretty docile most of the time.

After three months, my sister convinced my mother to let her have another pet. They agreed to go to the pet store together. They bought a cat, instead, from the barracuda faced sales person. It was much better than a spider, but I preferred the lizards.

Well that's a sad ending for the spider and the lizard. But at least the sister got some kind of pet so happiness from that.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I don't have to much to say in terms of improvements. I think it's really good in the way that it is. Its good some really well paced action with the spider, a pretty believable family dynamic and overall its done really well. Good Job!!

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

I was completely captivated, like a deer in the headlights, my eyes never leaving the big, ugly, hairy spider that was sitting before me.

Captivated? Id say scared, shocked etc... Not really captivated.

I inched slowly back, then turned and ran, looking for something to catch it with.

"I slowly inched away" sounds better.

I wasn’t a spider-lover and hated the fact hat my sister had bought one of the ugliest and hairiest spiders that I’d ever seen.

This is a little out of place in an action scene. We know he doesnt like spiders so this sentence needs deleting.

My mother yelled out from the bathroom where she was doing wash, “Stop jumping in the house.”

How does the character know what the mother is doing. Its unecessary anyway, just say "My mum yelled up the stairs, "nmogdmzdom." "
also "doing wash" didnt make sense.

“Squish it! Drown it! I don’t care. Just get it out of my house. I’m going to skin your sister alive for this!”

Seems a little awkward saying "your sister" - maybe name the sister?

I ran into the kitchen, grabbed a cutting board, and ran back into the living room with it, and a colander that I found on the counter.

This and the whole story seems very passive. How about a present participle:

"Running in to the kitchen, I snatched a cutting board then darted sideways into the living room."

To me this sounds more active and immediate. You may also want to consider shorter sentences to add power to suspense and action stories.

I slid the cutting board under the net as my mother let out a gasp of disgust. With a lightening fast movement, I removed the net and slammed the colander down over the entrapped spider.

"As" is a boring verb. Change it or just replae it with a comma.

Just then, my sister returned from wherever she had gone to. She unzippered her jacket and came into the living room.

Get rid of "from whereever she had gone to."

Spell: Unzipped not Unzippered

“You will, right now,” my mother said, barely keeping herself under control, “get rid of that spider.”

I dont like the break up of speech here, its hard to read.

“But.”

“I said now. Either you get rid of it, or I have your father kill it when he gets home.”

Use "--" to signal interruption.

After three months, my sister convinced my mother to let her have another pet. They agreed to go to the pet store together. They bought a cat, instead, from the barracuda faced sales person. It was much better than a spider, but I preferred the lizards.

A little bit of a boring, unsatisfying ending. Its just a summary. Rewrite the ending.