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Young Writers Society



The Tome of Constellation: Chapter 1

by ELven-Maiden


Chapter 1

Niyana shook pale hair out of her eyes and peered around the hard stone wall, calm despite her current situation. "Are you sure we can trust him?" she whispered. "I mean, he is a thief."

"I'd trust that boy with my life," Myles assured her, laying a heavy callused hand on her shoulder. "And even if I didn't, we don't have much of a choice left."

Niyana scowled and ground her teeth. "If he betrays us, I'll wring the little rascal's neck!" she shifted her weight impatiently. "By Frozen Waters, where is he?"

"Right behind you," a raucous voice said behind them. "Listening to every word you've said."

They whirled. Rame stepped from the shadows, his dark hair reaching his shoulders. he seemed only twelve, but they both knew better.

Myles snarled. "Don't ever do that again,boy, or I'll beat you black and blue!"

Rame raised an eyebrow. "I'd like to see you try, old man!"

Niyana saw his shoulders tense and gently rested a slender hand on his shoulder. "Lay down your pride, human, or he'll use it against you," she whispered. "it's what he does best."

Myles rubbed his silky white beard, his brown eyes hidden in the darkness. "I was going to," he grunted.

Niyana stepped in front of him, meeting the boy's defiant gaze with her own. "Well? What about the guards?"

"Hm?" Rame lifted his thick, raven hair to tap a delicately pointed ear. "I can't hear you."

Her soft cyan eyes flashed dangerously, but her stance remained calm. "Oh, you didn't?" Niyana said quietly, smoothing back her white hair to reveal small slits for ears. "Then perhaps I should pound it into you. which way would you prefer? my fist?" she raised a hand, letting a light-blue glow burst from her palm. "Or my magic?" Rame squared his shoulders stubbornly, meeting her eyes with ease. but she could sense his fear and smell his sweat. "Or you could just tell me about the guards..."

Rame shrugged. "What guards?"

Niyana grinned, baring pointed teeth. "Good boy," she said. "You know your place."

The elven boy glared up at her. "Yes, and it's not under humans like you!"

Niyana flung white fire at his face, but Rame quickly waved it away with a spell of his own. Then she knocked him down, Myles had to pull her away before she could do anything truly fatal.

"'Lay down your pride, 'eh?" he whispered.

"I am not human!" she growled as Rame got to his feet. "And anyone who says otherwise will not be able to say anything again!"

The thief brushed blood from his pale lips. "With all of your din, it will be a matter of seconds for someone to find us!" he rasped.

"i thought you said there weren't any live guards," Myles said. "If we're caught, Rame, you are, too."

Rame shrugged. "I could always escape. I'm not helping you out of charity, human!" Niyana stared at him through one cyan eye, and he scowled. The man was always easy to push around before the nymph came along.

"Well, do you know where they've hidden it?" she asked, calling small sparks to dance around her fingers. "You're the thief; you should know these things. any skilled thief would."

The elven boy crossed his arms over his narrow chest. "The first tower to the left. there are several hexes and wards along the stairs and doors. After that there are seven--seven--magicians standing over a Constellation.then, of course, there's the demon trapped in the chest, waiting to be released to rip warm flesh again. Once you kill him, you'll have to overcome the magic in the book without dying, and the wretched thing is yours." He smirked. "Good luck, nymph. Farewell, human."

He turned to go, but Myles caught him by the arm. "You forget. there isn't anything else to do here but get that book."

"Unless you want to go back to that silver cell of yours," Niyana added. "I have no objections to that."

Rame's golden eyes flared as he jerked away from Myles' grip. "There are always options, old man. And I'm not going to get killed on some madman's wizard quest!" And with that he started down the corridor.

Niyana sighed and turned to Myles. "Catch the elf and hold him for me," she hissed. "Tightly."

The old man shook his head. "Niyana, it'll kill him!"

"If he dies, it'll be the mules own fault!" she snapped. "He's too stubborn for his own good. He forced us to do this."

Myles sighed. "Fine. follow me. I won't be able to drag him this far." Niyana trotted after him as he ran towards the boy. Rame glanced behind him and broke into a run, but he was too late. Myles pinned the boy's arms behind him and wrapped his arm around the boy's chest, despite his fierce struggles. Myles used to be able to do this before the victim had a chance to struggle, back when he was a young soldier in the king's army. "I'm too old for this," he muttered under his breath. "Hurry up, Niyana."

The nymph reached into the black human cloak Myles had given her before they came here, a wicked gleam in her blue-green eyes. Rame watched her pearly hand warily, unnerved by her impish smile.

Slowly, she raised her hand from the cloak, and the boy's eyes widened in fear. Rame fought harder than ever, but Myles held tight. the elf even tried a few spells, but none of them worked.

"Go on, elf, try your little charms," the nymph taunted, smiling openly. "They won't work around bare silver, will they?"

The silver dragon hung from a silver chain, both glowing with the elf's life force. Niyana inhaled the scent of his fear and pain, savoring it. "What happens if it touches you, boy?" she asked, slowly drawing the amulet close to his face. Rame leaned against Myles as far as he could, trying to escape the deadly metal. "Will it hurt? Will it make you cry for mercy?"

Myles watched grimly as she swung the amulet inches from his nose with twisted pleasure. "That's enough," the old man ordered. "If you keep that thing out any longer, you'll kill him."

Ignoring his warning, Niyana pressed the silver dragon into the elf's cheek. Rame screamed in pain and thrashed in Myles' arms.

"Niyana, stop it!" Myles snarled, pulling the boy away. "It won't do any of us much good if he dies!"

Scowling, Niyana placed the silver amulet back into her cloak. "He should learn to keep his tongue between his teeth," she complained.

"Is that the only reason you did that?" he demanded.

Niyana didn't answer.

Gently, Myles laid the boy on the stone floor. The elf's face was contorted in pain, and he was panting heavily. The man pressed a hand to Rame's forehead as Niyana strode forward and knelt by him. "Oh, get up, you sop," she growled, slapping him non-too gently. "You won't die. since when did the 'Great Magical Elf Thief' bow before pain?" Rame took a deep breath and staggered to his feet, leaning on Myles for support. "There, see? You're fine. You can accompany us on this 'madman's wizard quest,' as you're so fond of calling it."

Rame gritted his teeth and touched the burned skin where the dragon amulet had touched. "I don't understand," he muttered in his hoarse voice. "What is so important about this stupid book, anyway?"

Niyana stretched her thin lips into an unnerving smile. "Something valuable enough to be guarded by life-threatening hexes and wards, seven magicians on a Constellation, a magic chest, and a demon. How does that suit your thieving taste?"

Rame blinked as she turned down the hall. It certainly did seem a lot for a pretty bauble. What would be worth dying for?


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Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:56 am
lulu_lizzrd wrote a review...



Niyana shook pale hair out of her eyes and peered around the hard stone wall, calm despite her current situation. "Are you sure we can trust him?" she whispered. "I mean, he is a thief
there should be a comma after calm

Myles snarled. "Don't ever do that again,boy, or I'll beat you black and blue!"
the comma after again is a little much

Niyana saw his shoulders tense and gently rested a slender hand on his shoulder. "Lay down your pride, human, or he'll use it against you," she whispered. "it's what he does best."
that sentance is just kind of thrown out there

Niyana stepped in front of him, meeting the boy's defiant gaze with her own. "Well? What about the guards?"
here you have Niyana asking one person some thing but then anouther person answers

youre story is good so far, but you tend to skip around to caracters faster then your story is going, this confuses people

hope to see more

lulu




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Sun Jan 06, 2008 5:16 am
~Volant~ wrote a review...



I like. I like very much. Elves, magic, nymphs, even. I'm excited!

But it is cluttered with adjetives and random descriptions, as if you're trying to cram in as much as possible without breaking too much. I understand what you're trying to do, but it's okay to have a small break here or there. A huge, three-paragraph break can still be avoided.

But that's all I can say.

Write on, Mate! :D




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Sat Jan 06, 2007 11:07 pm
gymnast_789 says...



Really good! I really liked the beginning.
The only thing I have to say is to check your capitalization and punctuation. Otherwise I really enjoyed reading this.




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Fri Jan 05, 2007 1:01 am
Crysi wrote a review...



Wow.

Okay, so I was really tired last night when I read this, and I decided I'd critique it today. I actually ended up having a dream about your story... it was really odd.

Anyway. Couldn't remember the name of the story, so I just spent like five minutes trying to found it. I'm glad I did!

This kind of reminds me of the Bartimaeus Trilogy. If you haven't read the books, read them. Now. They're brilliant.

I really liked the cool cockiness of Niyana and how she loses her cool at one point. There's definitely some tension in the air, some fear and such. I'm hooked.

I guess all I can do is echo the others - check your capitalization and grammar and such. Other than that, I think it's an excellent start to a story. Well-done! :D




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Thu Jan 04, 2007 10:54 am
Swires wrote a review...




Niyana shook pale hair out of her eyes and peered around the hard stone wall, calm despite her current situation. "Are you sure we can trust him?" she whispered. "I mean, he is a thief."


I dont like "sure" in italics, italics for emphasis seems a little immature to me. Just my opinion but I think the reader should decide the tone through imagery and hints of character you provide. You use italics throughout the piece to emphasize, id remove them.

"I'd trust that boy with my life," Myles muttered, laying a heavy callused hand on her shoulder. "And even if I didn't, we don't have much of a choice left."


Muttered? It seems to powerful to mutter. Just use said.

"Right behind you," a raucous voice said behind them. "Listening to every word you've said."


Again, what seems a cluttery tag. just "a voice said behind them" would do. I dont think "raucous" adds anything at all. You can characterise him later.

They whirled. Rame Longfinger stepped from the shadows, his dark hair reaching his shoulders. he seemed only twelve, but they both knew better.
Myles snarled. "Don't ever do that again,boy, or I'll beat you black and blue!"


I dont think "they wirled" works at all, it seems a little awkward.


"it's what he does best."


Capital I - new speech sentence.


"Hm?" Rame lifted his thick, raven hair to tap a delicately pointed ear. "I can't hear you."


Its a nice thought on how you have tried to describe along with the story but I dont think this is the right place to give Rame any traits or description. You can have him tapping his ear but the hair description bogs down the flow.



The elven boy glared up at her. "Yes, and it's not under humans like you!"
Niyana flung white fire at his face, but Rame quickly waved it away with a spell of his own. Then she knocked him down, and Myles had to pull her away before she could do anything truly fatal.


Get rid of the "and" before "Myles had to pull..."

"'Lay down your pride,' eh?" he whispered.


the apostraphe should go directly before "eh"

ie - Lay down your pride, 'eh

"i am not human!" she growled as Rame got to his feet. "And anyone who says otherwise will not be able to say anything again!"


Capital I at the start of the speech.

The thief brushed blood from his pale lips. "With all of your din, it will be a matter of seconds for someone to find us!" he rasped.


Get rid of "he rasped" its unnecessary.

"i thought you said there weren't any live guards," Myles said. "If we're caught, Rame, you are, too."


Capital I at the start of the speech.

The elven boy crossed his arms over his narrow chest. "The first tower to the left. there are several hexes and wards along the stairs and doors. After that there are seven--seven--magicians standing over a Constellation.then, of course, there's the demon trapped in the chest, waiting to be released to rip warm flesh again. Once you kill him, you'll have to overcome the magic in the book without dying, and the wretched thing is yours." He smirked. "Good luck, nymph. Farewell, human."


Use Rame instead of "The Elven Boy"



Ok, this is an interesting story - I loved the conflict between the characters and enjoyed how you set the scene. However some bits needed clearing up, you slip in things like "Longfinger" and the reader doesn't understand what they are, again I didnt understand the silver? Are only Elves affected by it?

You may want to explain those things in a little more detail. Other wise the start of a good story.




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Thu Jan 04, 2007 7:12 am
Elelel says...



No worries!

Yay! It's all pretty and spaced out!

If there's a reason, then it's fine. I don't know how you could make it less confusing. Anyway, that was just me. So there's no saying it would confuse anyone else. Maybe briefly touch on the reason? Or possibly just have him think that he's only holding Rame because he can't annoy Niyana too much. Something like that maybe? Unless you're saving the revelation of those motives for later.




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Thu Jan 04, 2007 5:00 am
ELven-Maiden says...



Thanx for ur crit, Elelel!

Myles hates it when someone just appears from nowhere. there's an entire history behind that. and he only holds Rame because he knows that Niyana's idea is the only way he could get his help. sorry for confusing you. any ideas on how i could change that?




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Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:40 am
Elelel wrote a review...



Spaces between the paragraphs would certainly make this easier to read. A huge block of writing can be rather intimidating. But I won't make you do that before I critique it.

I think you have some good characters in this. There's lots of fun conflict between them. Niyana seems to be an absolute maniac, which is always a fun thing to have around in a story.

They all seem to be driven by something. I can see an entertaining story coming from this easily.

"i'd trust that boy with my life," Myles muttered, laying a heavy callused hand on her shoulder. "And even if i didn't, we don't have much of a choice left."


This, however, confuses me. Here Myles is talking about trusting the elf, but later they don't seem to get on that well at all and they barely seem to trust each other. In fact, Myles threatens him and holds him back while Niyana tortures him. I suppose none of them are in the running for the role model citizen award and probably treat all their friends that way, but one thing does seem to contradict the other.

Her soft cyan eyes flashed dangerously.


You do a good job of just hinting at descriptions so we don't have to sit through five paragraphs about the colour of her eyes. That's fantastic. Pages of description over some trifle detail aren't fun things to read, in my opinion.

Actually, I think you did a pretty good job all round on this piece.

Unfortunately though, something is letting you down.

It's your grammar.

Capital letters are just not optional.

In fact, I think you know this because I'm pretty sure that while I was typing this you've come and changed a few. My quote of what Myles says seems to have less capitals than the one in your story after I hit refresh! Yay! That's exellent! You've got to do the rest now.

I had a huge speech on the Joys of Capital Letters, but I don't think you really need to listen to it now. Just keep in mind that people don't take you very seriously when you write a story ignoring grammar rules you already know. It makes people think you don't care very much.




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Thu Jan 04, 2007 1:17 am
Jiggity says...



Proper formatting!! Spaces!! Fix this and I'll come back and crit.





If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang