Once there was a queen, her kingdom was falling. Her mind, going. Her friends and allies gone. All she had left was her ambition. That was all that could save her………
My name is Savanna. I am the queen of Isildon…..at the moment I am in my room. Wondering when it will end….when will I be safe? From not only my people but myself? Why did this happen to me? Why did I lose it all? My father once said that God was there for everyone but if that’s so why am I left here to loose all I have? I guess I should start at the beginning…..I was born of royal birth to a beautiful queen and King. I have my mother’s looks but my father’s personality, the best of both worlds. At 15 I was enrolled in lessons to practice for the day I took the throne, that day came sooner than expected. I took the throne at 16, only two years ago. My mother took Ill and died when I was almost 16…three days before my birthday. My father took ill soon after my birthday and joined my mother. The one lesson I learned from them was to attend church, which I did. For one year after their passing. At first I struggled to run my kingdom and stay sane but soon I got the hang of it and started doing well, two years passed with next to no problems…then…the king of a neighboring kingdom, Myon, started a war over land. With no experience I turned to my allies in Queshek. But they were intimidated my King Orion and backed down from the challenge. My temper got the best of me and now I sit here, the outer walls of my city crumbling, most of my troops dead or hostages. The people, mad, are trying to renounce my title and with no mother or father here to vouch for me I face a long rocky path most likely ending with my fall as Queen. Orion offered a meeting to discuss surrender but I refuse to surrender to him! He WILL NOT have my kingdom! I will go and fetch a maid; I wish to tell Orion to his face that I will die before I see my kingdom in the hands of a man like him…..
Savannah
Savannah marched out from her room, her leather diary abandon on her bed. She spotted a maid and called out to her. “I’m going to see King Orion. Bring a carriage to the doors.” The maid nodded and hurried down the stone corridor, Savannah fallowed her to the entrance hall were she beckoned another maid as she sat down on the bench beside the large wooden doors. “I need my traveling cloak.” The second maid curtsied before scurrying off, Savannah had a few moments to sit and ponder weather she should have changed from her white gown to her black lacy one and some eyeliner in an attempt to make Orion wish he had never started this whole thing but the second maid soon returned with Savannah’s cloak. It was red velvet and clashed horribly with her gown but she had paused to long on the thought of Orion and was now infuriated. She gave a curt nod at the maid who hurried off, Savannah then pulled open the huge wooden doors were she bumped into the maid she had sent to get the carriage.
“I….it’s…..your carriage is here, miss.”
She stammered as Savannah hurried past her and pulled open the carriage’s door to get in. Savannah gave her a tight lipped smile and slipped into her carriage, with a jolt it started down the gravel lane.
It was late in the evening; the moon was sitting low in the sky. Illuminating the large oak trees that lined the road, Savannah leaned back in the plush seats to reflect on her day. It had been long, with the only time for her being one hour long. She had just sat and let her emotions wash over her for the first thirty minutes then turned to her only friend these days………..her diary.
The diary had been a gift from her father, who had believed that recording events was of most high importance, on his death bed. She could still remember seeing his kind face, in so much pain, and remember his words.
“Take this dear.”
He had managed.
“Why papa?”
He had simply smiled, as he always did when she asked why.
“One day you’ll know.”
Then he had grabbed her hand and taken his last breath. Savannah shook her head in an attempt to shake the memory but tears still weld in her grey eyes. Luckily the carriage had come to a stop, as she stepped out into the summer’s night air she looked up at the huge castle. Home to her worst enemy………..
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This is some of the history of the land (no name yet) were Queshek (From my story, "The war path") is. I hope to do more in the way of dramatic stories like this one.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks! I guess Savannnah's diary entry wasn't enough? Ha-ha!
I will be working on this and eventualy re-posting it. so be prepared! LOL
I like this story. Very bold and dramatic. Needs more clarification in the first chapter and there is a lot of grammar. I think it has potential. Make sure you get your characters straight. In the first paragraph you talk about someone starting with an M. Can't exactly remember, but then you switch your train of thought over to Orin. That is fine just remember to be consistent or explain who the other character is. I would also caution you to be careful with your characters while doing two perspectives. You could get confused and in turn confuse your reader. I thought that this was an amazing story. Just read over and make corrections to the parts that seem confusing or where your grammar needs work. Sir Writergirl[/quote]
I'll e-mail you it!
Great Job!!! Can't waut to read more!!
Lanna
If you are a new writer then it is best you stick to one view point. I have branched out into two viewpoints recently but If you want to read 5+ viewpoints in 15k words then PM me and Ill send you the rubbish I was writing 3 years ago.
The grammar is chaotic. It appears little revision went into this. Before posting read over and scan your work. For better revision reading aloud is good for beginners.
The pacing was off - you rushed it. Allow your characters time to think about things whilst subtley adding world in here and there.
And most importantly - Formatting
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
- But yes. Formatting - space your paragaphs. (I think people want to kill me for the formatting comment lol)
Quote:
Once there was a queen, her kingdom was falling. Her mind, going. Her friends and allies gone. All she had left was her ambition. That was all that could save her………
-This is a kind of prologue? Well, it is a bit short, really. I don’t understand the first and second sentences (rewrite them). You also put to many full stops. (…) would do.
Quote:
I am the queen of Isildon…..at the moment I am in my room.
(…) I am not going to point out every single mistake such as this, just correct them all.
Quote:
My father once said that God was there for everyone but if that’s so why am I left here to loose all I have?
Comma before but.
Quote:
At 15 I was enrolled in lessons to practice for the day I took the throne, that day came sooner than expected.
Quote:
At first I struggled to run my kingdom and stay sane but soon I got the hang of it and started doing well, two years passed with next to no problems…then…the king of a neighboring kingdom, Myon, started a war over land.
This sentence is way to complex, I got a bit lost, The grammar is not okay, either.
I have the general impression that you were rushing in this story and really wanted to get it done. This is chaos, to tell you the truth. I usually like this type of wrting, but (I’m sorry, but I have to say this) I didn’t like yours. Maybe you should improve it? PM me then, and I’ll come back and write you a critique. Also, who is Orion? I mean, it is Myron who invaded the Queen;s country…
Quote:
The maid nodded and hurried down the stone corridor, Savannah fallowed her to the entrance hall were she beckoned another maid as she sat down on the bench beside the large wooden doors.
Comma before Savannah.
I have the general impression that you were rushing in this story and really wanted to get it done. This is chaos, to tell you the truth. I usually like this type of wrting, but (I’m sorry, but I have to say this) you could’ve done better. I know you could. I like the flow, I like the vocabulary, but…
Maybe you should improve it? PM me then, and I’ll come back and write you a critique. Also, who is Orion? I mean, it is Myron who invaded the Queen’s country…
That was a critique of part one. Tomorrow I’ll do the second one.
I want you to:
a) check your grammar
b) read aloud some fragments of your story just to see the mistakes.
One more comment though: I see that you’re writing your story from two different perspectives. It makes the story more interesting, but watch out - at some point you might get lost. I totally forewarn you from starting a THIRD perspective, as my genius once told me two. After 30 pages even I was lost…
CHAPTER 2
Orion flipped the page of his book unceremoniously. He sat in his cluttered study; candles lit casting shadows about the shelves, reading. One of his favorite hobbies when he was bored. He doubted that Savannah would show, she had sent back all but one of his letters unopened. With a moody grunt Orion picked up his book and replaced it on a shelve and browsed the shelves, the leather spines revealed nothing. He relied only on his past experiences with them. He settled on one of his old diaries and returned to his large leather armchair, the diary was small with a black stone in the middle. The pages yellowed and worn, holding many secrets. He sighed as he saw the red ink curled into his handwriting.
Father has left me the kingdom, the miserable old fool has decided his feature lies outside of this life. Outside the glory, fame and other perks. How one could throw it all away I know not, I shall never leave. Here I will live and eventually die, I intend to have the finest rule of anyone. And it starts with taking those countries that are most venerable, and weak. I will not be as weak hearted as my father was, pardoning pirates just because they “pledged” their loyalty to him then letting them go and live their miserable lives. I will rule with an iron hand like my dear departed mother, he called her rule harsh. I call it firm.
Orion jumped as the wooden doors to his study flew open, his diary flew off the desk as his hands moved to grip his desk. There, looking quite wild, stood Savannah. Her black hair had been pulled back at the top leaving the rest to hang around her neck and shoulders. Her gray eyes were narrowed dangerously and her fists clenched at her sides. She wore a simple white lacey gown and red satin traveling cloak that settled around her slippered feet. She let out what Orion thought was supposed to be a relaxing breath and collected herself with Grace. “You needed to see me?” She said, eyes still showing danger. Orion relaxed and placed his hands on his desk with a content smile. “Please, sit.” He nodded at a small chair; she eyed it before looking back at him. “No thank you.” Her voice teemed with anger.
“Now, I wanted to discuss your surrender.”
Savannah let out a cold laugh with no hint of happiness or amusement. “Surrender? I’m sorry but that’s not an option.”
Orion wasn’t at all surprised, on the contrary. He was happy, he loved a challenge. His mouth slowly curved up into a ruthless smile, his blue eyes sparkled with venom.
“Have you heard who my parents were?”
Savannah’s face remained unreadable.
“They were some of the finest rulers this country.”
Orion continued and slowly got up.
“Actually my father was the weaker one. Compassion is what they called it.”
He spat, moving closer to savannah who simply watched with her eyes never leaving his face.
“But my dear mother…”
Orion’s face relaxed at the thoughts of her beautiful blue eyes and stern expression.
“She was the finest. No pirate ran free under her charge; no bloody sailor cheated her and lived. No, she is the one that I choose to model my rule after. And like her I won’t let you, a half-bred female run ME, son of the finest queen this country has ever seen…out. ”
He finished, now standing face to face with Savannah. He had expected her to react with fear or anger but what she did next surprised him, she slapped him. With a strength that knocked him back a few paces. “I will not be spoken to that way.”
She said calmly.
“Had you offered to talk this over like a gentleman I may have considered but now I refuse.”
Orion shot her a glare that could make a snake cower.
“You can try hard as you want but never will I see MY kingdom in your hands willingly.”
She ended, sweeping to the doors.
“Good day.”
Then she was gone….
Orion felt the anger rise to an uncontrollable level, with an animal like cry he whirled around and kicked his desk. Panting, he ran a hand through his black hair. He would make her pay, and pay dearly. But how? Calming down he began to pace. Then it came to him……….
“Of course!” He murmured.
She hated him so what better punishment than making her spend an eternity with him? As his bride….