removed do to horid-ness ( yes i know that's not a word... but you get the point... )
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note to all: i have decided to NOT write any more stories... thank you for you cooperation
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
to thows who diside to read this i will think about writing a diffrend virsion to the story that was posted here
the story that was posted here was writtin in 1999 and i was young at the time and couldent spell for #@!%
not mutch has changed but now i spell more then half of it right
i will start it after mid term exams (26/01/07)
as for the dimond of wind ... it can burn in hell...or melt
Can the mod please delete this thread?
P.S. I am so not cooperating.
Ditto.
We are helping you with critiques, admittly I was inspired by Incandescence to be harsh with my critiques, but its the only way. There are some people who are brilliant critiques and put the suggestions across tactfully, Im not one of them, I just say what I think and Ive had positive responses for that attitude, its better than dilly dallying around with "Well, I loved this but a teeny thing is..." rubbish.
Take mine and m'dears suggestions on board, rewrite. Come back. Rewrite. Read, critique. Come back, rewrite, read, critique. ANd write every day and then you shall be at one with the writing force.
Stop it. Write something, you'll get better.
Did you stop because of my critique? Come on, it wasn't that bad. It really wasn't. If you are trying my consience, then stop it.
Geez. I'm correcting you so you can be a better writer, What AM I supposed to write, huh? That it is great when it is not? That is brilliant when I have read things better than that what you have written? I wouldn't be okay if I did that. I am a critic. By posting here, you asked fore a critic, that is me. So I wrote you a critique.
Eeeh, if you followed my, and others', advice, this story could've been turned into something good. COULD HAVE.
-If you don't want to try, then don't. i'm not going to beg you.
there is no more ...it's alll over
What is this senseless bull?
Nothing made sense, all the punctuation was in a foreign style to the average reader and the speech... well its awful.
What were you trying to achieve by writing in this hideous style? This isnt a story, it reads more like a play, a poor play at that.
Im sorry for the harshness but I hated it, it didnt capture me at all. You may have thought it good to write in this unique way but it just ruined any hope of a story. It was drivel.
BUT - there is light at the end of the tunnel. You see, take the characters, plot and anything else you like and write it in standard prose, read some work around YWS to help you structure.
I’m going to quote your mistakes as I read, sorry if I miss anything
Quote:
Tesla : did you realize it’s been seven year’s sense the war ended?
‘Did’ with a capital, and I really do not understand this sentence.
A comment at this point: Use capitals, please. Full stops at the end of sentences would be welcome, too.
Quote:
Tesla : I just hope these ones don’t have the same fate as the rest
What fate? Explain.
Quote:
as the three reaches the end of the hallway the door slides open to a metal balcony ware many troops are standing below
Uhm…. Rewrite the whole sentence…
Quote:
Kathryn : your leaving port tomorrow at 0700h. And try to bring this one back in one peace, ok
What time? I don’t get this…
Okay. At this point I stopped reading. This is dull, to tell you the truth. To many interpunction mistakes make the text unclear. I have know idea what I am reading, where the action takes place… The dialog does not tell me anything. At places it’s awkward and just… boring…
Now, I’m not saying that this is rubbish, no! Maybe it’s just not my type…