Stori

I'd just like to point out something. I know it's supposed to show Atarin's thoughts, but words like 'busted' jar with the formal style of the piece.

The only error I found is here- the greatest empire to have ever existed. -which could easily be changed to read "the greatest empire ever to exist" or something like. ...

For we much wash in secrecy, Was this meant to read 'must wash in secrecy'?

It would help if you'd put in a transition between the first and second paragraphs. Most likely it would be as easy as "Mr. Edison was a freedom fighter in ...

All I can say is that: due to the object’s shape, the exact degree of its angles and the ‘magical’ sand-like contents inside it are a combination of both scientific ...

Just one thing- that apostrophe in "cars'" should be moved. I doubt anyone can drive two cars.

Seeing as everything else has been mentioned, I just have one question. Did you mean for the argument between Radi and the grandfather meant to be humorous?

I walked with a limp, I'd had a problem with my leg since I was born. It's always better to describe these things instead of just saying "I walked with ...

Wow. Your writing held me in suspense all the way through. There was only one error that I noticed- As soft a lilies, Good job, especially with the way you ...

Hold it there. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that being homeschooled doesn't mean you never leave the house. Your character might be involved in a homeschool group, town ...

And yes, we know most school campuses look alike. Still, at least knowing the school's colors would be helpful.

Before I say anything else- don't use "because" in your narration. Example- Chris hadn’t heard it because the wind was blowing so loudly. Much easier on the eye is "He ...

I don't have much to say, except that I like this piece very much.

This makes me want to read more. The only nit-pick I have is that a few times you used it's instead of its.

and he placed his sword in its hilt, The hilt is the place where you grip a sword. Its sheath or scabbard is where you put it away.