z

Young Writers Society



A Broken Picture

by Ranger51


It is dark in the closet, but somehow enough light filters in to be gloomy. It is cramped, buried under clothes and old bags, but somehow there is enough room for dust to gather like time on the grave of someone nobody remembers.

Brighter light filters in, suddenly, as the clothes are pushed away, and there is a face. The eyes are somehow different, and the body very different, but the face is almost the same as the last time it looked at the box.

Curious, gentle hands lift the box. Still just as gentle, maybe gentler, but harder than the last time they helf the box - harder with the years.

The lid is pried loose carefully, as if it might break, and the face's somehow-different eyes go wide and soft.

Even more gently than before, the hands lift out a soft white bunny, velvety cloth ears hanging as it stares into the face - little black eyes of thread staring into glimmering blue eyes that seem almost the same now. It smells like a flower, like baby powder, like an old blanket, all at the same time.

The bunny is softly laid against the box, and a little pink blanket, gently folded, comes out carressed in those hands. Then a little brown-haired doll, a miniature blue tea set, a small picture book.

The face has gone soft now as it lifts the last items out - a tiny pink dress, with gold glittery lines along the ruffled hem and sides, and a little silver tiara with glass diamonds inlaid all over.

The gentle hands spread the worn pink blanket our across a dark wood floor, the soft white bunny sitting at one side. Little teacups are arranged in a ring along the edge, a small spoon resting in the miniature teapot in the middle. The doll rests against the wall at another end of the blanket, the colorful picture book lying open before her to read. The blue eyes are shining with memory as they arrange the pages. The little tiara is nestled into now-longer hair.

The hands are shaking as they slowly pick up the tiny pink dress. Blue eyes fill with tears as they stare at it, at the flowery ruffles and gold glittering patterns.

The picture is almost complete. The teacups are arranged, the companions seated just properly, the book opened to the right page, but that little pink gown will never fit again. The picture will never be complete again. Never again.

The eyes tear away as a knock sounds from the door. The gown is tossed into the box, the tiara shortly after, followed by quickly stacked teacups and a roughly folded blanket. The doll bounces a little as it lands on the blanket, and the bunny is plunked into the box last. The lid is crammed on, the boxed hastily pushed back into the corner, and the light disappears as the door closes.

It is dark in the closet, but somehow enough light filters in to be gloomy. It becomes cramped, as the box is slowly buried again in clothes and old bags, but somehow there is enough room for dust to gather - dust on the grave of something nobody remembers.


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Points: 1355
Reviews: 27

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Sun Mar 04, 2012 7:44 am
ahhhsmusch says...



I really liked reading this. I like how you began and finished with nearly the same paragraph. It gave this a good sense of cloture. However, there were a couple instances where your use of words belittled the action that they were describing.

For example, "The eyes are somehow different, and the body very different, but the face is almost the same as the last time it looked at the box."
The words "somehow" and "almost" I would get rid of. They make the sentence and description weaker. "The eyes are different...,but the face is the same" sounds stronger and more precise to me.

Same thing in the next two paragraphs:

"Curious, gentle hands lift the box. Still just as gentle, maybe gentler, but harder than the last time they helf the box - harder with the years." Are the hands gentle or gentler?

"The lid is pried loose carefully, as if it might break, and the face's somehow-different eyes go wide and soft." Again, another use of "somehow" that doesn't really describe how different and in what way they are different. If you took out "somehow" the sentence would be much more declarative and simple instead of tip-toeing around explicitly saying that the character has changed since the last time they opened the box.

Those are my two cents.

-Adam




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565 Reviews


Points: 1395
Reviews: 565

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Fri Mar 02, 2012 9:38 pm
Stori says...



I don't have much to say, except that I like this piece very much.





Be careful or be roadkill.
— Calvin