*A/N: Please tell me if you'd like to read more...*
Prologue: By Elizabeth, me.
The dawn was just breaking in the sky as I walked to school, the cool morning breeze blew my hair in my face. I walked with a limp, I'd had a problem with my leg since I was born. In the little Town, I felt quite safe and secure. After a long day at school, I went home with my friend, I went inside my home and went straight to my mom. She was in the kitchen cooking, I always helped her when I got home -- we were best friends. My mom asked me to go get some bread from the little store in town, and so I walked up there -- never having the privelage to ride a bike. It would take about five minutes. I remember quite well coming home (I guess anyone who had this happen to them would..), and on the way home, a car was staying close behind me, everywhere I turned, it would turn. I hadn't thought much of it at first, until I figured out it was following me. To get home, there was a long alley which I always took, and I had totally forgotten to bring my cellphone. The car pretty much went right in front of me, then, it blocked my path and someone got out.. he (yes...) pulled a gun on me, and I was so frozen in terror I couldn't do anything, and later when the police brought him by for me to say if it was him, I couldn't identify him because I had been so terrified. He told me to get in the trunk of the car, which he finally had to carry me to it, and then he gagged me and tied my hands up. There was also another man in the car. I didn't know what to do, and felt pretty foolish for having left my cellphone, but I was also terrified -- having heard terrible stories of kidnappings before. We rode on and on for what seemed like hours and hours. And finally, I fell asleep and awoke to the sound of yelling, and realized they were yelling at me to wake up and get out. I limped out, and to my shock, the man who had put me in got his pistol out and shot my ankle! I just slunked to the ground, and the pain became so unbearable that I fell unconscieous....
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...the idea here is great, opening with a horrible kidnapping scene like this can be very powerful and you don't do a half bad job here of portraying that, buut, there are a few noticeable issues here, so lemme get right to those here.
So the first issue is paragraphs, at this point, this is a massive block of text here, and it kind of makes this a bit hard to read here and messes up the flow of the piece. There's at least three or four good points here to divide this up where it would really improve this piece here.
The next issue is this start, this is mostly a very high tension, exciting scene so starting all the way from before this person gets home is a bit too early I think. Starting for this one leaving the house is perhaps better and the pacing would also balance out a lot more that way.
Then we have the issue that you're telling far too many things here. You need to show her fear a bit more, and also not reference things like the police office part cause that essentially nullifies this scene. If we already know that she's going to be saved and have to talk about things to the police, the tension by the kidnapping basically vanishes here.
Soo, while this is a strong premise here, and I like the sounds of things here, you've got a few points that you need to improve on here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
It's always better to describe these things instead of just saying "I walked with a limp." Does it bother you? Are you used to it by now?
So. This is great. Terrible, but great. Only somethings are not quite correct. First of all, there's paragraphs. You did not do any paragraphs which made it a little harder to read. Every time you come to another idea in your story, make another paragraph. I see you are quite new to the site, so I'll just tell you that you can't indent, you must skip a line. You should also describe your environments more, for example your home, or the car that was following you. Now, there are some things that you could improve:
Since you already said that you went home with a friend, you don't have to say I went inside my home; you can just say "I went inside".Next. You don't have to say that your mom was your best friends, 'cause it's different with parents (at least for me). You could say: "We were like best friends."
You don't need to say that.
Now, when you relate the parts of the police and everything, I think that it would be better either to separate it from the rest or to explain it in a different way. Like: I was so terrified that I couldn't even look at him properly...
There are only some other things like spelling errors. Example: privilege; unconscious. But other than that, the story was great and I really would like to keep on reading it. Good job!
Oh. My. Goodness!! Did this really happen to you? If so, I don't know what to say...
Anyways,
Yeah, it did.
Alright, first things first, paragraph breaks. every couple of sentences, Hit the enter key and leave a line clear. It'll help the reader understand it better. Secondly, Pace yourself. Slow it down a bit, and and describe your environment, the people (E.i. the name of your friend, your emotions, Etc.) Thirdly, "(yes...)" Seems out of place in this sentence: "he (yes...) pulled a gun on me" I don't Understand why that's there, and it's probably unnecessary. I feel this has potential, but again, Describing your environment and the people that populate it is one of the most important things in writing a book.
Lemme know if you have any questions.
Yours, Mono
Thank you, mono. First of all, I don't give out real names, but I suppose I could give a fake name for her. And I'll fix those things, tomorrow
Thanks!
~Lizzia