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Asylum

by iEuphoria


Dear Diary,

Today was the last day of my first week of high school. For the first time, my parents figured I would be ready to not be homeschooled. This leads to my conclusion that my parents are stupid and don't know anything. John made me feel at home again during lunch, but other kids disagreed.. They all had given me dirty looks when I spoke to John. They said I was a freak for talking to myself. Just because they don't like John for no reason doesn't mean they should pretend he is invisible. Other than people calling me names for talking to John, my week was ok. I have to say, my favorite class so far is History. My teacher is really funny, which made the lesson easier to comprehend and pay attention to. Anyway, mom is yelling at me to come down for dinner. I will keep checking back in as often as i can!

Love, Colton

Dear Diary,

I met the new kid at school today named Colton. We were told to be nice to him, and not bring up anything about the fact that he has Schizophrenia. I'm not exactly sure what that is, but all I know is he kept talking to himself and hitting the air.. I know it's mean to call someone a freak, but.. He clearly is one. You should have seen him sitting in the corner of the lunchroom on his own, talking to what appeared to be a full table, yet nobody was there. That's so pathetic. Whatever, not my problem. I will just have to pretend to be nice infront of the little weirdo. Besides, I should do homework.

Love, Opal


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Points: 408
Reviews: 4

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Thu Mar 27, 2014 2:10 am
ash4ever15 says...



wow that was really good. it kept me entertained and flowed really good. you have a knack for writing i liked how you told the story through diary entry. cant wait to read more of your work!




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Fri Apr 06, 2012 8:30 am
PatriciaTina wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm Trish, and I'd just like to say welcome to YWS before jumping in with my review! I hope you're enjoying yourself here so far. If you ever have any questions about anything on here or just want to say hi please feel free to PM me or post on my wall. ;)

Let's get on with this review though, shall we?

To begin, I think that this is a great idea. I like the idea of working with a character who has schizophrenia, and writing it in diary form is incredibly fresh and unique from most other styles out there.

However, I do have a few suggestions of how you can work on it to make it even better. First off, your formatting is a bit odd. Paragraphs are a writer's best friend, and they help make your piece more attractive so people will be more inclined to start and keep reading. Just as an example, take a look at the difference between Colton's original diary entry and a formatted one below:

Spoiler! :
Dear Diary,

Today was the last day of my first week of high school. For the first time, my parents figured I would be ready to not be homeschooled. This leads to my conclusion that my parents are stupid and don't know anything.

John made me feel at home again during lunch, but other kids disagreed.. They all had given me dirty looks when I spoke to John. They said I was a freak for talking to myself. Just because they don't like John for no reason doesn't mean they should pretend he is invisible.

Other than people calling me names for talking to John, my week was ok. I have to say, my favorite class so far is History. My teacher is really funny, which made the lesson easier to comprehend and pay attention to.

Anyway, mom is yelling at me to come down for dinner. I will keep checking back in as often as i can!

Love, Colton


Also, you state that Colton is living with Schizophrenia. But, Schizophrenia is a condition that most sufferers can control with medications so they don't have hallucinations like Colton seems to. Why is it that he is still being affected like this if they know about his condition?

Moving on though, another thing I should remind you about is that you need to create the scenes in your readers minds. We have to be able to paint a picture of every single aspect of your story, events, characters, feelings, etc. Therefore, you need to have your character pour out their souls in their diary entries, and that can be difficult. Never forget the rule you're constantly bombarded with, show don't tell. We need to be able to see what's happening through your words and even more importantly, we have to connect and sympathize with the characters. Without that reality your story falls flat.

If you're not positive how to do this, or want a few more tips, here is a link to an article you might find helpful: http://www.writingforward.com/writing-t ... -dont-tell.

Lastly, I just have two more small things to mention. First off, I feel like you could lengthen your entries a bit. Your characters don't have to just write a tiny bit each time, their entries can be used to encompass a much greater amount of time.

Also, to me it seems a bit odd for them to be ending their diary entries with "love". I've never really kept a diary but it's just a bit off in my mind to be writing "love" in regards to a diary. That may just be me though.

In all, I really think that this has a ton of promise. When working with something like Schizophrenia you need to remember that accuracy is important. Make sure you research and know everything there is to know about what it would be like to live with this disorder so your work does it all justice.

With a little work and perseverance this has the potential to be an amazing piece though, and I'd love to take a look at your edited version or continuation if you wish. :)

I sincerely hope that this helps, and if anything doesn't make sense or you have any comments/questions please do post on my wall or send me a PM, I'm here to help!

But I better get going now, it's late and I have to get to bed! Goodnight! :D

~ Patricia Tina

Ps. Happy Easter!




iEuphoria says...


Thank you so much for your input!
I'm fully aware it could use a lot of work, it was just an idea I was testing out when i was very tired. I wanted to just get the idea down, and add to it today probably.
As for accuracy, I have done essays on Schizophrenia, as well as have friends who suffer from Schizophrenia. One thing that a lot of my friends say, is that the medication makes them dizzy, have tremors, vomit, and still have hallucinations in the end, so they refuse to take the medication.
For my story, my character is unaware (so far) of his condition. His parents never felt the need to tell him, for he was home schooled. In the forthcoming entry, he will reveal how his parents showed him videos of his outbursts and told him.
Thank you very much for your input!



Stori says...


Hold it there. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that being homeschooled doesn't mean you never leave the house. Your character might be involved in a homeschool group, town reading program or 4-H club to name a few.



iEuphoria says...


Thank you for the input.(: I will edit that in when I work on it more. Above is a rough draft for the idea.




"She doesn't even go here!"
— Damian Leigh