Freedom

Hey, I'm not sure what you audience is and that's going to decide whether I like this or not. Putting all grammatical errors and syntax aside I would start very broadly and review your writing by the number one thing that's important to ME. That's voice. (I mean I am majorly into poetry and that is sort of my bias).

Generally, talking each point through with structured paragraphs is a must if this is the start of an essay. The problem right now is to many facts and not enough elaboration. Why should i know what you are presenting? You do little elaboration on each point.

"Mr Edison was a great inventor and buisnessman. He didn't consider himself as a man who influenced the world by his hard work, but as a last child of a mother who was so sure of him and that was not meant to disappoint. He developed hearing problems at an early age. His inability of hearing made him concentrate on beauty of all kinds of shapes and colors that surrounded him. He was free to do whatever he aimed to until the night when he was forced to face both the silence and darkness."

For example, switching subjects in a paragraph is one of the worst things you can do..

Mr Edison was a great inventor and buisnessman. He didn't consider himself as a man who influenced the world by his hard work, but as a last child of a mother who was so sure of him and that was not meant to disappoint. (NEEDS MORE)
He (MAYBE instead of this sentence, saying 'After developing hearing problems Edison generally concentrated on beauty of all kinds of shapes and colors) developed hearing problems at an early age. His inability of hearing made him concentrate on beauty of all kinds of shapes and colors that surrounded him. He was free to do whatever he aimed to until the night when he was forced to face both the silence and darkness.


Also, redundancy plagues your paper.. I'm hearing He HE He, and Mr Edison Mr Edison.. This is the voice I hear from you; blah blah blah (more facts and more facts). I want to know what Mr Edison is like and not down-pouring facts.


"He didn't consider himself as a man who influenced the world by his hard work, but as a last child of a mother who was so sure of him and that was not meant to disappoint. "

This is a good topic sentence.. Reading "Mr Edison was a great inventor and buisnessman." is very very boring. I'm not sure if you go to school but you would learn a topic sentence is not suppose to introduce (like they said in 1st grade) but instead draw your reader in, and vaguely introduce..

Again, there are so many possibilities with good content in here. I simply didn't check ANYTHING with syntax and grammatical errors simply because if you take my advise you should have a whole new paper when your done..

First of all, very good! I never knew the story behind Edison's fear of the night. Just a few suggestions....one, I believe a period should go after "Mr", like Mr. Edison. Two, in the sentence where you introduced Edison's fear of the dark, "meant" is missing the "a". Beyond that, this is a very well written article! It almost seems more like a fable or short story than a article, very thought provoking!

Hey Klara,

having read a book about columns, I feel I'm really in the mood for Non-Fiction. So here goes,

Aside from some of the technical stuff which Polinka has pointed out, I don't see any problem in this piece. it's short, simple and right to the point. that's what I like about it. It succeeds as a column. You projected your views in what you had to say about 'freedom' and I really like that.

Remember, your prose will improve as time'll pass but the concept will stay the same. The concept here is good though let me express some of my personal viewpoint: you showcased it too dramatically, you know like here

to free himself from inability of enjoying the life he was given. That was the night Thomas Edison invented the electric bulb.

Hi Klara, I'm here to review your piece today:)
The title of your piece caught my eye, and the fact you talked about Edison made me stay.
Many people have so many different views on freedom, and so I was interested in seeing your opinion.
~
So firstly, I see the point you are trying to get across, however I don't always understand what you mean. In the comments you mention that English is not your first language, so I shall go easy on you;)

Freedom has been the main cause of all kinds of revolutions and it often considered violence which led to wars.

existance

unability

He was free to do whatever he aimed to until the night when he was forced to face both the silence and darkness.

nobody can turn off the light that is hidden in ourselves. By keeping that fire burning, we achieve freedom that is nothing else but a chance to be better.

It would help if you'd put in a transition between the first and second paragraphs. Most likely it would be as easy as "Mr. Edison was a freedom fighter in his own way."