Snoink

This story... does not make sense. 1. Why would the character be so dismissive? She has apparently been put into a fantasy scenery and her biggest concern is that this ...

First of all, welcome to YWS! It's nice to see you here. The topic is interesting, because sin is an interesting topic. It can be so JUICY. Still, this is ...

This is either too long or too short, depending on who you ask. Right now, we have the first line, which is a fragment, and I bet if you wanted ...

Stick some conflict in it. :D Even the Native American stories in their mythology are chockful of how the stars got trapped in the sky and so on. By making ...

I love the last line. It's so ironic! :D With that said, you may want to make it more ironic by being more specific. Instead of saying "world of contamination" ...

Hehe, funny! :D First of all, you don't have to capitalize every other letter. Really! Now... for the poem! :D What a Waste - when Alison Becker bled All over ...

Eek, you're trying much too hard to rhyme. If you can't rhyme, then don't. :P The wheel continues on,

Ooooh... some really nice stuff in here. Actually, I think the third stanza would be the best starting point for this. So: If my long lost memories were dyed purple, ...

Aw, you know I love you! Otherwise, I wouldn't give you such a critique. ;) Anyway! Continuing onward! The light that was shown, Was only the dark, You do realize ...

YES. YOU SUCK. No, really, why ask such a question like that? XD We don't answer questions like that here, really. Our purpose is to help you get better. Yes... ...

Hehe, I think it's not your best. :P It's more of a rant with line breaks, really. I would rather have more substance on it. Which I know you can ...

Nice idea! And I liked the title. It was very succinct, but that's a good thing. :P Be careful about all the "ands" you have in here. So I would ...

What is this referencing? Because right now it seems to be referencing a "Goddess" figure, and I'm not quite sure you wanted that. Besides, some of the lines don't really ...

This uses too many adjectives to really do justice to the scene. You have a bunch of movement -- it's playtime, no? So don't clutter it up with three adjectives ...

What a cute story! You're focusing too much on the words and not enough on the story. Look at the individual sentences, yes, but remember to tie it in with ...