Just something I wrote... Sorry about all the metaphors.. tell me what you think!
The Continuation
The wheel continues on,
Turning in broad light
With others looking on
Glory staring in their eyes.
The left hand sighs
A girl looks on in tears
There is no end to God
But is there end to fear?
The world forever turns
Spinning in its might
But the heart cracks, it sighs
“All is forever lost.”
Will people ever realize,
The cost they are forced to bear?
The pain, and suffering
That heeds to Him, stay there?
There is so much to life
Then a shallow end
All walk upon it unseeing
Never finding truth within.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
The rhyming inconsistency weakens your poem. I have to agree with Snoink that the "broad light" verse doesn't add much - maybe you can include the concept of brilliance with some other imagery.
I like what you present - the second stanza is my favorite because of its simultaneous clarity and speculation. I recommend it as the place to start if you want to bind the poem together a bit better, philosophically or otherwise.
It's a good poem, in need of some polishing :)
This is really good. I have to disagree with snoink, i like the spinning. The reference to 'Him' (i'm assuming God) does confuse me slightly, it doesn't seem to fit, though the rest of the verse is quite good. I also think the ending is a bit bland. Perhaps a good line to round it off, or maybe something to send the reader back to the beginning.
Great work so far, but i'd recommend tossing these ideas over a bit moe before putting them on paper (or screen :p )
Kudos.
Eek, you're trying much too hard to rhyme. If you can't rhyme, then don't.
The wheel continues on, <--- instead of continues, try "rolls" or "turns." SOMETHING ELSE.
Turning in broad light <--- This imagery doesn't work.
With others looking on <--- who? Instead of describing the "turning in broad light" you can describe these people.
Glory staring in their eyes.
The left hand sighs <--- Nice!
A girl looks on in tears
There is no end to God
But is there end to fear? <--- I prefer "But is there an end to fear?"
The world forever turns
Spinning in its might <--- describe something else besides spinning! You're making us dizzy.
But the heart cracks, it sighs <--- I like the left hand sighing better. Can you think of any other way to phrase this?
“All is forever lost.”
Will people ever realize,
The cost they are forced to bear?
The pain, and suffering
That heeds to Him, stay there? <--- This whole stanza is needlessly preachy and should probably be cut.
There is so much to life
Then a shallow end <--- "Than" not "Then."
All walk upon it unseeing
Never finding truth within. <--- Eeek, bad rhyme.
So yeah. I like the idea, but you need to work on rephrasing it better.