Published December 5, 2007
The cold and endless chill of night,
My love is gone,
And all that I know is dead.
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This is either too long or too short, depending on who you ask. Right now, we have the first line, which is a fragment, and I bet if you wanted to make this short, all you have to do is tweak that line.
But I think there is something said on expanding it. If I said "And all that I know is dead" it brings a different sort of air to the piece compared to if I am running through my town, desperately trying to find anyone I know.
Toodles!
Sometimes you just need to vent. I understand. But if you want to write a poem about it. Wait unitl your mind is logical again and then re-evaluate the feelings you had, and it should turn out better, and hopefully longer.
Keep writing!
~Yoyo
though its short, it gets the point across. the first line doesnt exactly go with the last two but maybe if you extend it then it would.
Yes, this is short, but short can be good!
Now, what you have is an idea -- a concept poem, almost. It's abstract, no concrete details that makes poems unique, and help steer away from cliches.
What I would suggest is to start over. Don't look at this poem, but write about the theme you presented. How is everything dead? Why is it cold? Is it a winter chill, or the chill on your back as someone removes their arm from around your shoulders? Be specific and descriptive! Use description to tell your story!
I can't wait to see what you come up with, personally. Good luck!
Mesh
Yes. It's very, very, very short. And I agree with Ayra. I don't know how many times I've heard about poems, or read poems about lost love, or people losing love. It's okay, not the greatest, but not the worst either.
Well, this is very, very short. But at least you acknowledged it.
So. *Cracks knuckles* Let's get this party started.
The whole theme of this poem is really rather cliched. I've read countless stanzas about lost love and cold nights. I mean, well, yeah. It's cliche. But still.
The imagery...well, there wasn't much because it was so short. If you plan on making this longer, you may want to consider adding some descriptions and imagery.
Emotion. There is a hint of emotion in this, but I think you need to add more. Tell us how you feel. You know?
Despite what I have said above, I quite liked this. I'm not sure why though. But still, it has potential and you should definitely make it longer. PM me when you do!
Keep writing,
Ayra