Published December 3, 2007
this is just a draft so suggestions would be much appreciated!!! also, i need a better title. this one's a little dry. i was just trying some rhyme stuff cause i don't usually so tell me if it's really bad!!!
[pre]Waiting For The Bus
He got there first
And sat on the bench.
We wait for the bus
In the cold.
I stand
And shiver,
And feel bland
And I say nothing.
We wait.
Five minutes pass.
I reach in my backpack
And take out
My walkman.
He sits,
And feels
Unfit
And it is cold.
We wait.
Ten minutes pass.
The bus is late
And I wonder
If we have missed it.
And I think
Of him
Breathing steamy breaths
Next to me.
And we live in awkward silence. [/pre]
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
This is really good, but it doesn't really have a rhythym to it - it's more like a story with a few words taken out. My suggestion is to read it aloud and try to find the rhythym, then work at it to make the rhythym more pronounced.
Wow!
This is really great. Your stanzas are quick, to the point, and flow nicely. You also have a great theme that conjures vivid mental pictures. Um...I can't see anything wrong. Maybe the part about the walkman. It just seems weird introducing technology into a poem which is mostly emotional.
But this is really fantastic! Don't worry about the title. I think it suits it perfectly.
Nice, but it didn't ryhme. I think I could see where you were trying to rhyme, but it didn't actually work. If you want to find out, don't just write the words down. You have to speak them aloud.
Apart from that it was good. The concept is interesting and I quite liked the writing.
Nice idea! And I liked the title. It was very succinct, but that's a good thing.
Be careful about all the "ands" you have in here. So I would probably say:
I stand
And shiver,
And feel bland.
I say nothing.
...and...
We live in awkward silence.
Though perhaps you can get rid of "awkward" just to make it briefer?
One thing that confused me... at first, I didn't know that "you" and "he" were together at the same bus stop. Perhaps you can add more detail to clarify that a bit?
Anyway, nice stuff!
An interesting idea. I think you could work with it. You definitely expand more though. Right now you have the idea and that's all. You need the image that goes with that. More description of the tension between the two.
One question. Where's the rhyme? Nothing rhymes in this. I don't think rhyming is your thing, which is perfectly fine. I completely and utterly suck at rhyming and avoid it at all costs. I much prefer free verse. Remember, just because it doesn't rhyme doesn't mean it isn't poetry.
Keep writing! And welcome the the YWS!
~Yoyo