She watches over me
When it's dark in the sky
Her twinkling daughters
Are my friends and my family
When she shows her fullest face
I long to float up and play
To dance among the stars
And sing to the comets.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,539 Reviews
Interesting suggestions...
This was a kinda inspiration-gotta-write-it-down thing...
Not my best work...
Stick some conflict in it.
Even the Native American stories in their mythology are chockful of how the stars got trapped in the sky and so on. By making there more contrast (i.e. peace -> war, love-> hate) you'll actually create a more powerful of an emotional impact and make your readers linger over every word.
Good luck!
At the end of reading this, I'm left asking "why? how?" The moon is watching over the subject, yes, and the subject wants to join her and the other things in the sky, but why does the moon watch over her? How is she going to join the other celestial objects in the sky? Why are the stars her family? Does she not have a family on Earth?
Right now, this is a poem about things happening. Now try to dig a little deeper and explore why and how they happen.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions ^_^
-Amelia
First off, read this: article18791.html
Now, what we have here is a nice little poem about stars and dancing through the sky and happy times. All is well, right? Wrong. You have some imagery in here, and that's good--imagery is very good--and you do try to tap into the emotional side of poetry by making the reader feel joyous, However, there's still a major issue.
I don't care about this poem.
What?! How could I say something like that?! It's absurd! You poured your soul and your feeling into this poem, and what right do I have to come in here and tell you I don't even care?!?!
I know. But hey, it's the truth. What you've got here is a more subtle form of naval gazing: the entire focus of this poem is on you. I know you're now thinking that I'm being unfair; since you wrote it it should be about you. And that's fine. Except that, when it really comes down to it, the reader doesn't care what you feel or what you think. They're in this for themselves. And because of that, you've got to deliver. Let us relate. Link this to things we can agree with and know and understand. Imagery is often the best way to do this, since we can all picture things in our heads, and well-constructed images almost always have emotion behind them. And by allowing us to relate to what you're saying, we'll no longer just be observing your joy and feeling happy for you; the joy of frolicking amongst the stars will become our own joy, our own experience. Because that's what reading good poetry is: making the experiences, words, wisdom, and feeling of others your own.
Sorry this was so long and rambly. I hope I helped in some way.
Happy writing
~Ed.