Published December 16, 2007
It stalks the night, it stalks the day
It seeks out life, and it’s just a min away
It’s known as death and other things too
But at the moment, what matters is you
How do you see it? What does it mean?
It’s best if you know, for death is unseen
It can take you at day it can take you at night
Knowing death well, can lend you some light
The passage to death, is always unclear
And it’s sad to know, that you’re never here
It’s hard to live, for your hearts desire
Not to stumble and fall, and burn in fire
A fire for life, to live for each day
To reach out for your dreams, no matter what people say
Live for the moment, and die for it too
For it’s the moment that counts, it’s me and you
Now I’m all done, I’ve said what I’ll have to say
Just remember one thing, live for the day
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I think the message is great, and I love the last stanza! I feel like you'll have to comb through the rhythm and work out some glitches to really make the poem strong and consistent. Even though you've got a great poem, there is always room for improvement!
happy editing!
s
for once i have to agree with vernon. you don't have punctuation!
other than that, i completely disagree. this wasn't anything extraordinarily original, but it was good.
here's a quick edit of your poem, mostly changes in punctuation, not all changes strictly necessary:
"It stalks the night, it stalks the day.
It seeks out life, and it’s just a minute away.
It’s known as death, and other things too,
But at the moment, what matters is you.
How do you see it? What does it mean?
It’s best if you know, for death is unseen.
It can take you at day. It can take you at night.
Knowing death well can lend you some light.
The passage to death is always unclear,
And it’s sad to know that you’re never here.
It’s hard to live for your hearts desire,
And not to stumble, fall, and burn in fire.
A fire for life to live for each day,
To reach out for your dreams, no matter what people say.
Live for the moment, and die for it too,
'Cause it’s the moment that counts. It’s me and you.
Now I’m all done, I’ve said what I have to say.
Just remember one thing: live for the day."
not very fond of the last two lines, but it would probably make a better title: "live for the day" instead of "death"...gives a better summing-up of the poem, don't you think?
This is a really creeppy pome but,still good
I agree with Vernon. The last two stanzas need more work.
I'll break the first one down to show you what I think should be changed. Then you can decide how you'll edit the second one.
Those commas (in orange) should be omitted. Instead, a comma (in red) should be added after "unclear."
This part is vividly described but once again you have to remove the commas (in orange). I would also look at the rhythm. The first line has ten syllables but the second one has eleven. In poetry that rhymes it's important to match up the syllables. Try picking different words to keep the syllable breakage at ten-ten or eleven-eleven.
Oh, and towards the beginning you should change
.
You should take out the comma (in blue) because it isn't necessary.
Overall, try to unify the stanzas. Think to yourself and answer these questions: How many lines will there be in each stanza? What is the rhyme scheme? What is the syllable scheme?
Good effort, though. Rhyming can be difficult and you're better at it than me. ;DD
- Summerless
I think some of the rhymes were kind of cheap, like night and light.
This line didn't flow very well.
But anyways, keep on writing and PM me if you'd like me to review or anything.
My main problem is you have a good structure going on then you go and ruin it by making the last stanza more lines. This not only ruins the goodness of this poem but just looks untidy.
This also doesn't have puntuaction. It really helps a poem to flow and without this in, it looks just messy and stops a lot of people replying on it.
Overall: Fix the last stanza and add in required puntuaction then pm me, I'll review it again.
Good luck
VSN
Hey Kitty!
I liked this alot! I understand it very well and I love it!
Keep it up!
~Lulu
I've read lot of poems about life and death... so the idea is used up. ^_^ but that is okay!
One things the poems I have read have that make them really good: metaphors. Instead of just telling what they had to say, they paint you a picture, real people, real things, lively images and what not... A really good example is The Tide Rises, The Tide Falls by Longfellow. You can probably find it online. ^_^ It's a really, really good poem.
So what I suggest, along with everything Snoink said (I didn't read it all, but I trust her. XD) try to mix it up. Add imagery, metaphors, all of that stuff that makes poetry awesome. Paint us a picture, you know? I believe she said "concentrate on your meaning/substance" with that, be clear, as well. Clarity is important.
G'luck!
Hello and welcome to YWS!
Now... for the critique [s]of doom and destruction[/s] that you've been waiting for!
Min? MIN? XD
LOL, in dialogue, you might possibly be able to pull this off, but because this is poetic in nature, then it's best to spell out your words. To me, since I am a calculus nerd, min means more like "local min" which is something to do with a curve... which you probably didn't need to know. But min can mean a bunch of different things, so just be on the safe side and spell out everything!
Poetic license can only go so far...
These lines don't really make sense. What are you trying to say? Right now, it looks like you're too busy trying to rhyme rather than make a meaningful statement. But go for the content instead. It'll make your poem that much more juicy.
Right now, you're telling us that knowing about death is probably a good thing. But that's telling us that we should know about death. In order to make this juicy (and poetry is all about juice...
Once again, it looks like you're spending too much time on making it rhyme rather than going for the meaning. Screw rhyming! Let me present two verses, just to make this clear. Which one is more poetic?
Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November;
February has twenty eight alone
All the rest have thirty-one
Except in Leap Year, that's the time
When February's Days are twenty-nine
OR
since feeling is first
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says
we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph
And death i think is no parenthesis
Rhyme is not essential for poetry. You can use it, but... meaning and substance always comes first.
And that's the other thing. XD
It's probably unfair to compare you with e.e. cummings, but the second poem I showed you says the same thing that your poem says in this one stanza... but look how different it is! It's weird, isn't it?
So concentrate more on your meaning and substance. Throw out the rhyme! Poetry is all about you... don't censor yourself.
Good luck!