Alteran

Well...This needs a bit of work. Your characters are flat like pancakes. They need substance and personality. You had some but not enough to really give the characters a more ...

Gregory: Yes, I felt it too. You should indicate you are speaking to INFRA again Demon! If you really want this orb, then come and take it! INFRA: ... All ...

You screamed at the reflection. Marco's arm came out of the mirror and muffled your mouth. He got part of you inside the mirror. You held a grip onto the ...

Preface: I was a afraid that I would never see my family again. That [s]i[/s] I was going to die. I hear the zap of the laser tried to get ...

Future Soldier Major Dirk Douglas of the U.S. Marines sat stiffly on a hard bench in the belly of a military transport plane. He steadfastly watched a fire extinguisher on ...

Who interesting. I've never seen this poit of view before. Kinda takes putting the reader in the MCs shoes to another level. I suggest reading through it yourself and look ...

“Why did he choose a place like this?” muttered Kyvor It's better to keep an active voice so as to keep the reader involved. instead of muttered Kyvor say Kyvor ...

Very interesting. I always knew Pac-Man had super powers! You info dumped a litle about the store but that was the only place. I was getting a little leary of ...

Very interesting start. I thought Quinnwas a little crazy before but now it's a proven fact. :) It was done well. Tghe second part was a bit rough. Of course ...

Since you alread had so many line by lines I thought I'd skip that part. First off, You info dump and side track quite often. You go into great detail ...

“For once , mom , will you just listen to me?” Evelyn shouted at her mother. “I always listen!” “But you don’t hear me!” “Evelyn," her mother said sternly, "you ...

Well, first I noticed it's not formatted correctly. The dialogue is fine but actions are italicized. It makes it hard to distinguish between speech and action. Not to be rude ...

Dont post things you rushed through. It shows a rather large lack of caring for your work, we're not going to do it for you. We offer help and advice ...

can you feel the pain lingering through your v[s]a[/s] e ins it can ' t escape it wont escape it's now [s]pernament[/s] permanent to your blood you're now suffering an ...

Brought to you on behalf of the CCF The high riser , Kemal had posted himself on , was to the far left of the parliament square. Out of the ...