Esper's Sepulchral I: Chapter 2: Law and Magic

*bounces in* Round two! You still suck? Lol.

Before she placed the cellphone back into the pockets of her skirt,

She walked on, observing the waves,

“Ooo, maybe I should press this,” she said, studying the bell sitting on the counter.
In front of it was a note. Written in a black marker, it says:

Press the bell for service-Bellamy.

*bounces in* Round two! You still suck? Lol.

Before she placed the cellphone back into the pockets of her skirt,

The lamps were feared by those who dwelled in the dark. For their entire lives, they did what they thought was right. In the darkness they brandished their weapons high and took the lives of those they considered their enemies. The mage detectives investigated and reasoned their nemesis’ actions with Life and Death being their limitation. They hunted them down and brought them to justice, only to allow more innocent lives to be lost.

“Too slow, people!” cried Pikara, sticking her tongue at the crowd, who had only walked a few footsteps past the first intersection.

Above her, gulls were soaring in circles over the beach. Their cries accompanied the voices of her friends, happily talking as they walked. The ocean breeze swept again, swaying the palm trees on the beach. Scattered throughout the beach were sand castles, decorated with shells on the slopes of their walls.

I enjoyed it!!! Can't wait to read more. I didn't see any useless information. Hope i helped.

I'm happy that you've added some more background to the plot here. There's a much greater sense of conflict in the second chapter, which is great. More tension means more plot, squee!

Squallz wrote:Chapter II: Law and Magic
“The shops at the mall should be open by now,” she mumbled as she stood up, rubbing the debris off the skirt.

It was a never ending cycle created between the mage detectives and the M.D foes. Pikara wondered whether she would become a part of this conflict.

Pikara went passed a post with a rubbish bin attached. She threw her hand backward as she kept walking and tossed the cup into the bin, unaware of the lamp's true purpose.

The signals changed at the intersection and the cars stopped at the edge of the lines. The pedestrian lights turned green and the people began treading over the crossing to the other side of the road.

What would had been better though was if the crowd had recognized her cuteness and gave way to her, like the characters in her favourite folklores.

On the right side of the road, there was a drive way. A postman on his bicycle cycled on the footpath, delivering mail for those who lived in the villas by the beachside. Another of Pikara’s eavesdropping sessions had come to an end when the postman disappeared behind the bottle shaped trunk of a tree.

"Blissy?" Pikara thought when she was looking at the girl with blue hair flowing past her shoulders. She had mistaken the girl for a friend after noticing that she was much taller in comparison. It was not possible for Blissy to had grown that much in two years, let alone to had survived the shipwreck.

Pikara decided to stop watching into people’s business for the sake of not seeing things.

And will Pikara soon become part of this conflict?

again, i likies much.
tis a verrry gurrrrd story, lots of attitude and originality in it.
Keep going, Ethannnnnn

Good story. I like Pikara's personality. The only problem was some occasional infodumping but there wasn't that much so it's all good. I hope to read the next chapter.

Good, job, it reads a lot better now!

Thanks for the help guys. I've edited it so it doesn't read like an info dump now (I hope lol)

Ok, since everyone's already pointed out your errors, I don't think I need to repeat them and tell you what you already know. So... I will move on and tell you that I loved this.

You paint a nice visual. Nothing too concentrated and over the top, but nothing to shallow and watered down. Just right. Everything flows and your characters seem original.

Just work on the sentences that Rieda and everyone else has already pointed out to you, and you should be good to go. Nice work with the update, Squallz!

Aqua 'Gel

Since you alread had so many line by lines I thought I'd skip that part.

First off, You info dump and side track quite often. You go into great detail about things that dont really matter to the reader. We're interested in the story, not about the foreigners with no driveway. Cut back a bit on your descriptions, It'll help you to not info dump and keep your story on track.

Another major thing you did that is extremely confusing is going from Pikara's point of view to the photo lady. This was odd. Not only that but it happened so suddenly that i had to reread it to understand what was happening. You dont want to switch POV out of the blue like that, it's not only confusing but it can be a big read me turn off.

Lastly, I love Pikara! When I read I have a very clear image of her. It all plays in my head like Anime. She's really cool and well done. Lots of personality.

Keep going

The shortest of the boys, who had freckles on his face and was wearing a black beanie on his head to hide his shabby hair repetitively pressed the palm of his hand on the switch

...and made a lunged for the post

...her pink shoes scrapping the concrete footpath

On the right side of the road, there was a drive way.

for a few months and yet, the builders

on a gas Metre box to reach for the mail box at the

After he got off, he unzipped the bag, latched onto the front of the bike.

between the villas, his back hutched

A tree, similar to the one at the villa blocked her sight

...doors opened as she got approached the photo shop...

...and photo editing soft wares

To her, it felt like they...

Oh anyone there?

Don’t know why you’re not in your bikini girl, the water’s warm today

You have to come Pink!”

So I better help you out now Pinkie

But how did she got inside her mansion? And, what else did she took?

Squallz wrote:Chapter II: Law and Magic

Before she placed the cellphone back into the pockets of her skirt, Pikara looked at the time, displayed at the top right corner of the screen.

“The shops at the mall should be open by now,” she mumbled as she stood up, reaching for her bottom and rubbing the debris off the skirt from sitting on the edge of a garden. This sentence could be better worded. Shorter and more to the point.

She walked on, slurping in "in" doesn't need to be here. the remainder of her drink. On the sidewalk, there stood several posts with six lamps hanging at the top, placed at regular intervals. In the early hours of a winter morning long ago, when fog blanketed the town, the road was illuminated by these lamps. The few mage detectives who had visited this town sought sanctuary under the lamps, waiting patiently for their client as they leaned on the posts. They stared through the fog holding documents in one hand and another buried in their pockets. This paragraph tells a lot and it seems just placed in. Try to fit it in with the first paragraph so that the transition is better.

The lamps however were also feared by those who dwelled in the dark. For their entire lives, they did what they thought was right. In the darkness they brandished their weapons high and took the lives of those they considered their enemies. The mage detectives investigated and reasoned their nemesis’ actions with Life and Death being their limitation. They hunted them down and brought them to justice, only to allow more innocent lives to be lost. This is good, though with the first one fixed it would work better.

It was a never ending cycle created between the mage detectives and their nemesis'.

What good were the mage detectives to society if they couldn’t protect the innocent? Were they only destined to hunting and prosecuting? Did they show any genuine love to the families of the murdered?

The lamps had prevented more crimes being committed than the mage detectives who visited the town. This sentence read awkward. Their true purpose remained hidden to the people.

Pikara went passed a post with a rubbish bin attached. She threw her hand backward as she kept walking and tossed the cup into the bin. Further down the sidewalk, she came to a small crowd of people, standing before a traffic light. A gang of three teenage boys stood at the front of the crowd. The shortest of the boys, who had freckles on his face and was wearing a black beanie on his head to hide his shabby hair, repetitively pressed the palm of his hand on the switch.

Pikara joined the back of the crowd and waited for the lights to turn.

“Where is that lawyer’s office? I told you that we should just hire that mage detective,” a man in a business suit asked his cohort.

The lights changed at the intersection and the cars stopped at the edge of the lines.

“Dude, stop messing around,” yelled the tallest of the three boys. He grabbed his mate’s beanie and ran off.” No quotation marks here. Also it sounds like the one who is messing is yelling for the other to stop messing around is also the one that grabbed the beanie off. Is this true?

“Hey! Give it back!” and chased after his mate,Eh, this sounds funny. You need to add more words for the sentence to make sense. followed by the third member in the gang. The pedestrian lights turned green and the people began treading over the crossing and The 'and' needn't be here. to the other side of the road.

Pikara ran, dodging through the crowd and saying Saying always seems so obvious with quotation marks and it's boring here. Maybe say that she threw 'excuse me's and 'Sorry, coming through's as she bumped past them? “Excuse me,” and “Sorry, coming through” to anyone she bumped into accidentally. She kept running until she reached the next intersection. Too short a sentence, you could almost like combine these two:She kept running until she reached the next intersection where she then made a lunge for the post. The palm...blah blah blah. She made a lunged for the post; the palm of her hand slammed the button and activated the pedestrian lights. Both pedestrain and post have been overused, find a replacment for the two words after a while so that it doesn't sound repetitive.

“Too slow, people!” cried Pikara, sticking her tongue Lol, so immature. at the crowd of people 'Of people' doesn't need to be here., who had only walked a few footsteps past the first intersection.

What would had been better though Was or some sort of connecting word belongs here. if the crowd had recognized her cuteness and gave way to her, like the characters in her favourite folklores. It did not seem that they cared too much for a peppy girl, dressed in a white blouse and skirt. Maybe it was because she did not seem like a typical mage detective to them, but more of a teenage girl who had too many sweets to eat. Aww.

“Come on…come on,” Pikara complained, twisting on the spot impatiently, her arms stretched to the side I don't see what 'her ars strechted to the side' has to do with the manorism of being impatient.and the sole of her pink shoes scrapping the concrete footpath.

On the right side of the road, there was a drive way. A postman on his bicycle cycled on the footpath Footpath isn't a word you use twice so close together...especially since you already said on the side of the road here. Just being picky, lol., delivering mail for those who lived near the beachside. The tires were smeared with dirt. That seems like such a simple statement, expand in a different way or don't type it at all. His appearance is more important. There was a house in which he delivered mail to earlier that did not had have a drive way yet. It was a newly built house and its occupants came from a foreign country. They had lived in the house for a few months and yet, the builders of the house had not finished creating a driveway for the family. 'For the family' needn't be here. You could simply say them or, even say nothing at all since we already know who you're talking about.

His postbag was slung over his back. Back? Shoulder would probably work better. From the other side of the road, she observed the postman fishing his bag Still, 'his bag' doesn't need to be here. for a stack of letters. Holding them with two hands, he looked at a tall cylindrical post box placed Standing. next to a wall surrounding the village of villas. The postman had to climb on a gas metre Meter box to reach for the mail box at the top, slipping the other four letters into the designated slots and jumped off. After the last comma, the rest of the sentence seems run-on.

He unzipped the bag open Lol, unzipped usually means open. You don't need to say the word open to add emphasis., latched onto the front of the bike. He pulled the box open, revealing a parcel. With both hands, he carried the parcel and walked up the pathway between the villas, his back hutched. Another of Pikara’s eavesdropping sessions had come to an end when the postman disappeared behind the bottle shaped trunk of a tree.

The pedestrian lights had turned green at last. There were only about two to three cars behind each light by the time Pikara had crossed over the road.Why is the number of cars important if our main focus is pedestrians? She was running again, more quickly this time. Her hair swayed to the gush of wind Gush is more of a water word. as she ran passed the beach side. She was looking at a girl with blue hair flowing past her shoulders, dressed in a bikini. ...Why is she looking at girls in bikinis? lol

Above her, gulls were soaring in circles over the beach. Their cries accompanied the voices of her friends, happily talking as they walked. The ocean breeze swept again, swaying the palm trees on the beach. Scattered throughout the beach were sand castles, decorated with shells on the slopes of their walls. I like the visual of this.

She walked on, observing the waves, gently riveting the sands where the girls stood. A tree, similar to the one at the villa concealed her sight. Concealed is a good word but sounds odd here. Something more simple would do. She passed the tree and saw a hooded figure dressed in a black robe was now standing next to the girl and her group of friends. It's weird to mention that it's a hooded figure and then the fact that it has a black robe on maybe a black robed hooded figure. Oh and the idea is a tad cliche.

Pikara stopped. A sudden chill coursed through her body, similar to the night she treaded in the master bedroom of a deserted mansion. It had only been two weeks since she turned the golden handle of the door and stepped into the darkness of the void in search of new answers for the Final Trial.

She had 'had' needn't be here. remembered it well. The room was dimly lit when she shot a spell at a lamp standing on the study table, surrounded by books, research notes and vials containing various types of fluids. In the darkest corner of her room, the grandfather clock ticked away the seconds at the absence of the mistress, accompanied by the howling of the wind. Towering stone pillars stood at regular interviews to support a ceiling lost in darkness. A grand bookcase occupied a wall of the master bedroom. Its shelves were stacked with a wide assortment of books.

Her heart pulsated intensely. The large portrait hung amongst the unlit torches in the room. It stared, gesturing anyone that had drawn eyes to him with a skeletal hand. It stood in front of a black backdrop, hidden slightly by a dark fog.

The girl extended her hand out and the stranger did the same.

Pikara walked up. The air around her was hot, yet there was this eeriness as she took a deep breath. The wrinkled hands of the figure held those of the girl. The figure withdrew another hand, hidden in the sleeve of the robe. It threw its free arm around the girl and drew her closer. Her friends edged forwards, eyes fixed on the couple and with wide smiles painted on their faces.

The girl closed her eyes. Her wish shall be granted at last. Seduced by the fear of isolation, and the force that governed over the humans, her soul shall be proven as weak as the many that followed the path of love at an early age. What's this? Should it be italics or something?

Pikara’s logic coincided with her emotions.

What was a person dressed in thick leathery robes doing on a hot summer’s day like this? What was a person doing in a long black robe...anywhere? How did he appear from nowhere like that? How does she know it's a he? Teleportation was a possibility, but there was no sudden flash of light.

They kissed. Her friends laughed and cheered. The fun of losing your first kiss to the person they thought was the right one for her. Awk...ward. lol, though very interesting.

“Eww, cooties,” said Pikara as she placed her face in the palm of her hand, hiding her eyes at the disgusting sight. You use the phrase, 'palm of her hand' a lot.

She looked back up and saw that the hooded figure was gone. Instead, the girl was talking with her friends, casually striding down the water’s edge. Pikara rubbed her eyes, making sure that she wasn’t hallucinating this time. The heat had gotten to her. Wiping the sweat off her nose with the sleeve of his blouse, Pikara decided to stop watching into people’s business for the sake of not hallucinating. Hallucinating is one of those words that you don't repeat so quickly. Try 'seeing things' or something of that nature.

With her arms swinging side to side, she ran on, avoiding the cars though two round about leading to the mall. I didn't undertand the end of that sentence. Bushes and flower beds surrounded its perimeter and planted in a small circular garden at the centre of the parking lot. White stripes marked the parking spaces. The paint was peeling and chewed bubble gum stuck on the asphalt. The tall, golden gates at the entrance of the car park was open and gave way to the cars that drove up the steep drive way. Beside the mall was a parking lot, almost empty of cars.

“Now, I need to find that photo shop,” she said, her fists clutched and rose to her chest. They rose to her chest or she clutched a rose to her chest? That was confusing.
Sunlight shone through the glass house which was the entrance way of the mall. The automatic doors opened as she got approached the photo shop and walked in. She experienced a slight headache from sniffing in the chemicals coming from the machinery that produced the photos. It was a small shop, not for those who wanted fancy photos produced but for those who wanted them done quickly and with minimal cost. Sitting on the shelves were various film products: Photo paper, film canisters, camera parts and photo editing soft wares.

“Hello, anyone here?”

No one came to serve her. To her, it felt like they were too busy minding their own business instead of worrying about the customers. They were going to miss out today. The slightest amount of profit made could really benefit the store.

“Ooo, maybe I should press this,” she said, studying the bell sitting on the counter.
In front of it was a note. Written in a black marker, it says:

Press the bell for service. Lol

She pressed the bell and its chime echoed around the room. A few seconds had passed and there was still a slight hum of vibrating metal. There was silence.

“Hello?” she called out again and pressed the bell. At the end of the hum, she hoped that the door would open, and that she’ll she'd get served. It did not. Eh, maybe, 'but the door remained closed'?

“Hello? Oh anyone there? Don’t be shy now, I won’t bite.” A succession of dings echoed around the room as she kept pressing the bell on the table. She pressed the bell harder, the remedy to get her point across: That she’ll not be ignored.

The automatic doors opened behind her. Pikara felt someone place their hand on her shoulder.

“You know, a bell isn’t a toy, Pinkie.”

In her other hand was a small pouch, given to her by the hooded figure. The metal inside the bell still vibrated seconds after Pikara stopped pressing the button. Pikara spoke, her back facing the girl.

“You’re late, you lazy bum,” tapping her nails on the counter. 'she said, tapping her nails on the counter.'

“Yeah sorry Pink, I was at the beach with my friends.”

As she walked to the back of the counter, she tightened the towel which was wrapped around her.

“Nice outfit girl. The white really does standout with your hair.” Pikara blushed. Girls don't usually blush to the comments of other girl's. And blushing doesn't seem like a Pikara thing to do with what I've seen of her.

“Don’t know why you’re not in your bikini girl, the water’s warm today. A cutie like you deserves to show herself off in front of the body guards. You can get free ice…” She paused, running her finger on her lips. Why'd she stop...and does she like girls because I'm under the impression that she does at the moment.“Hmmm, do you like sweets? Tell me the truth Pinkie.” Raaandom question.

“Who doesn’t!” she bellowed out, “It tastes sooooooooooo good! Chocolate melting in your mouth! Jelly drops giving off this fruity taste that lasts for a few days after you eat the last one in the bag! Gah! There’s so many to choose from.” She was jumping up and down on the spot; her eyes squelched shut, beaming a bright smile. The girl rolled her eyes. Lol, the way Pikara described the candy didn't seem like actual dialog. When speaking of candy you don't go into extreme detail...especially when you're as hyper as she is.

“And –and, after you eat so many, you go weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…” Dude, she has a worse sugar problem than me. lol, this sentence goes up into the paragraph above it because it's the same person talking. And three or four repeating letters: 'weeee' or soooo" does the job. lol

“Ok! Ok! I see you like your sweets now,” wrapping her hand around Pikara’s wrists. A few seconds later, Pikara was listening again. The girl let out a sigh of relief.

“Haha. Well, you seem to like a lot of sweets, but do you like ice-cream?” Ice-cream is a sweet though...so it counts.

“Oh yes, that too!”

“Well, there’s going to be a festival tonight at the beach. I’ve been asking people to take part in the contest that I’m running. I hope you’ll come, it’ll be fun!”

“If it is that fun, I’ll come along then,” said Pikara. What does "that" fun mean? She didn't even describe it to her.

“Great, hope to see you there, but I need to get dressed so that me and my girls can spread the word around town. So I better help you out now Pinkie.”

The mage detective reached into her breast pocket for a small dark sphere.

“Here,” placing the sphere on the counter.Again "she said, placing the sphere on the counter. The girl picked it up with her fingers, twirling it around like a toddler with a new toy. I've never seen a toddler "twirl" a new toy.

“I was wondering if you could extract the pictures from the photo sphere and produce them as photos.” Don't call it a photo sphere, just call it a sphere because you use photos two times in one sentence and it sounds awkward.

The girl continued examining the object.

“Well?”

An awkward silence followed. The girl wondered how she got her hand on this. It looked exactly like the sphere that was sitting on her study table which she left behind. Did the girl managed to retrieve it from her mansion.

“Hey, I know it’s pretty, but do you mind answering back?” said Pikara assertively. At last, the girl replied.

“I-It will cost you,” She said deciding that it would not be important to her anyways, and would be better off being sold for morbles. Okay, so she doesn't care about keeping the photo sphere but doesn't she wonder how this girl got into her mansion and what else she could have took?

“Do you accept guild cards?” she asked.

“Yes, won’t want your pouch breaking from containing too many morbles now do we?”

Pikara reached into her breast pocket again, this time for her guild card and showed it to her. Below the ID photo were the words “Pre- Mage Detective” It had caught her interest.

“You’re going to be a mage detective soon?” said the girl, looking at her with concern.

“Yes…” said Pikara, confused, “why do you ask?”

Yeah, you're back!

In the early hours of a winter morning long ago, when fog blanketed the town, the road was illuminated by these lamps.The few mage detectives who had visited this town sought sanctuary under the lamps, waiting patiently for their client as they lean on the posts.