Wow that was really good
and I love how you add harry potter into it
you must be a fan
there is one spelling mistake though
He looked remarkably like Daniel Radcliffe, a major bonus; of COUSE she didn't dare tell him that.
z
“For once, mom, will you just listen to me?” Evelyn shouted at her mother.
“I always listen!”
“But you don’t hear me!”
“Evelyn," her mother said sternly, "you know I hear you!"
“Then what’s this argument about?” Evelyn crossed her arms and leaned back as her mother struggled to remember, after a good amount of time she shouted, “Exactly! This is kind of stuff I’m talking about!” Eve turned around and marched up the stairs.
“Don’t you walk away from me! Listen to me little girl-”
Eve stopped dead in her tracks, little? Oh no that was too far for her mom to go. She turned around and glared down at her, “little?! Mom I’m not little anymore! I’m going to the prom in two months! Even if you decide to not let me go! News flash mom, I’m not a 'little girl' anymore.”
“You think I don't know that?"
"Mom! I know you don't know that! You missed the last fifteen years of my life! How can you expect to know me?”
Her mom looked down shamefully.
“Yeah and mom, I don’t care what you think about my life with dad! You chose to walk out on us! What did you expect when you returned, a giant hug and tears? Why did you come back to begin with? Never mind I don't care! Go back to your boyfriend mom.”
Eve turned away from her mom and stormed upstairs; she slammed the door loudly behind her and flopped down on the bed. She didn’t know how long her mom would stay after that confrontation.
She must’ve fallen asleep because she was soon awakened by the vibration of her cell phone and the small ting of pebbles on her window.
The text message read, “Go to window.” She grinned and scurried over to the window. With the window open as far as it could go she stuck her top half out and waved at Jack.
“Hi!” she whispered to the black haired boy below. He looked remarkably like Daniel Radcliffe, a major bonus; of couse she didn't dare tell him that.
“Come on! Hurry up or we’ll be caught!” Jack smiled up at the red haired girl leaning out the window, she looked like Bonnie Wright, Ginny from the Harry Potter movies, of course he didn't dare tell her that.
She went to her door and locked it before returning to the window and climbing down. The porch made it much easier to get out, but the rails were still slippery from the rain that had fallen earlier.
Her foot slipped and so did her grip. Luckily Jack was waiting for her just below and broke her fall. Muffling their laughs they got back onto their feet. It took a while to push the motorcycle around the other side of the block, if they made too much noise it would wake up her parents.
"So how hard was it for you to sneak out?" she asked.
"Not that hard, mom and dad got back from a party and passed out in their room, they won't be awake until tomorrow when they have massive head aches."
"Did they ever think about taking one of those pills? The ones that don't get you hung over?"
"No they need the hangover to remember why they don't go out a lot."
"Oh right!"
They arrived at the night club. After they got the word “loser” stamped on their hands they went in. Immediately they were shoved onto the dance floor, which didn’t bother them at all, that’s what they went there for. They danced until their feet ached, and then went to get something to drink.
When Jack kissed her, she kissed back–forgetting that they were in a very public place. When they parted they were both breathless, which provided an awkward pause.
“Eve,” he said, “I love you.”
Shock filled her; she didn’t know what to say.
“Eve?” he asked, “Did you hear me.”
She nodded, “yeah I heard you.”
“Well,” he shrugged, “I just said ‘I love you’, do you have anything to say?”
“Thank-you?”
“That’s it?”
She nodded shamefully, “I’m sorry but… I don’t know what love feels like, I don’t think.” The pain in his eyes was unbearable to see.
“I think I should take you home now.” After he dropped her off in front of her house he drove away.
Weeks went by and they didn’t say a word to each other, and each day without voice was like pins in her arm, making her slowly bleed to death. She realized that she did love him, but doubted that he would listen to her.
So she wrote him a letter, a long letter expressing everything she felt for him. After class she slipped it into his bag.
When he was going through his bag looking for his homework he found a brightly colored pink envelope, sealed with a kiss. On the inside he found a letter.
Dear Jack,
I know you were being serious in the club the other week, and I’ve hated myself every night since. The truth is: I do love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you more than I love books, and you know how much I love books. I didn’t think you’d stick around to listen to me, so I decided to tell you via letter.
Now I have one thing to ask of you: will you go to the prom with me?
With my love,
Evelyn.
Jack read the letter over and over again, letting the words sink in. Three days to the prom, could he pull it off? He picked up the phone and dialed her number.
“Hello?” she said. And as her voice reached his ears, a realization dawned on him, three days to the prom was too long to wait.
“Hello Eve.”
“Jack? I didn’t think you’d ever want to talk to me again.”
“Honey, I could talk to you forever. So... did your mom leave yet?”
"She left last week."
He loved hearing her voice, it was like chocolate, and he couldn't get enough.
End.
Wow that was really good
and I love how you add harry potter into it
you must be a fan
there is one spelling mistake though
He looked remarkably like Daniel Radcliffe, a major bonus; of COUSE she didn't dare tell him that.
WOW! I really like this! It was amazing! And im a guy.. so thats saying a lot. And you know im not gay!
Im not really one for critiqueing, wich is good, because i couldnt really find much wrong with this story exept for what everyone else has been saying... just a little fix needed for the wordchoice, but other that that, it was awsome! Now im off to read part two!
wow, I really liked this ^_^ Pt. 2 perhaps?
If you do have a part 2 I'll be really happy. I'd be really happy if you made this into a book. It would defantly be a book I would love to read. I just adore love stories. This one so far is very likeable. I felt connected with the characters. Eve is somewhat like me. When a guy said 'I love you' I didn't talk to him for awhile. In was scared- just like Eve. *Sigh*
Anyhow- there was nothing wrong with this. I give you a 9.5/10 ^_^ I hope you make a bigger story about Eve and Jack. I think that would be kick ass. *_*
-best of luck for writing.
-Maki-Chan ^_^
Hi Alice! You requested this back in March, so my apologies for taking so long to get to it. It looks like you've already gotten lots of lovely feedback, and multiple line-by-line critiques (I'm totally jealous! They're amazing!), so I'll stick to my two main gripes: character and dialogue.
(I'm going to steal Sam's format for a sec here, because it makes me happy.)
SIMBA, REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE
Who are these people, exactly? I feel like they're built on cliches. Their actions and reactions could be anyone's reactions, but not in the sense that, "Hey, cool, they're so relatable!" More like they don't feel like real people at all. To me, that's one of the key ingredients to great fiction: characters who become real people in the minds of readers.
So I'm not asking for their life stories or anything, but throw in some things to tell us more about their lives, and, more importantly, about who they are.
For instance: specific speech patterns, strange habits, defining characteristics, a certain phrase or type of phrasing that they tend to use repeatedly. I read the piece, started this critique, then went to grab a bite and came back. Fact is, in that short period of time, I managed to forget both characters' names. I'm not telling you to use their names over and over and over (because your reader will feel like slamming his head into a wall over and over and over if you do), but this tells me that your characters weren't memorable enough for me to recall their names within fifteen minutes of having met them. That may sound harsh, but trust me, this is a totally fixable problem. And while the characters' names are no where near as important as the characters themselves, recognition is certainly a step in the right direction.
I agree with all those who have said to nix the use of the Harry Potter physical descriptions. I'm a huge fan of the books (I waited in line at midnight to get books 5, 6, and 7), but I still groaned when I saw the comparisons. Actually, by doing that, my brain somehow decided that the characters' names were Daniel and Bonnie... which they aren't. Describe them in your own way. Comparisons aren't a bad thing, but here it was just too much. Too much tell, and not enough show - which brings me to the second issue:
TALK TO THE HAND
Your best dialogue came in unexpected places. But I felt like it was slipped in and glazed over and I was left thinking, "Wait! That was good! Go back to that."
For instance:
"Not that hard, mom and dad got back from a party and passed out in their room, they won't be awake until tomorrow when they have massive head aches."
"Did they ever think about taking one of those pills? The ones that don't get you hung over?"
"No they need the hangover to remember why they don't go out a lot."
"Oh right!"
I think it was really sweet, but it could probably use a little more description.
I completely get the thing with the mom, my mom is the same. When we're talking she listens but doesn't hear, she hears what she wants to hear, it's so annoying.
This really reminded me of Gilmor Girls, with Rory and Dean. Is that where you got your inspiration from?
Kadie x
The part at the beginning with Evelyn's mother seemed rather irrelevant. I see the comparison between the mother's relationship issues and Eve's later reaction, but I feel like the beginning part could have been summed up in less time so that the story could progress to Eve and her situation more quickly
The text message read, “Go to window.” She grinned and scurried over to the window. With the window open as far as it could go she stuck her top half out and waved at Jack.
“Hi!” she whispered to the black haired boy below. He looked remarkably like Daniel Radcliffe, a major bonus; of couse she didn't dare tell him that.
“Come on! Hurry up or we’ll be caught!” Jack smiled up at the red haired girl leaning out the window, she looked like Bonnie Wright, Ginny from the Harry Potter movies, of course he didn't dare tell her that.
“Honey, I could talk to you forever. So... did your mom leave yet?”
“For once, mom, will you just listen to me?” Evelyn shouted at her mother.
“I always listen!”
“But you don’t hear me!”
“Evelyn," her mother said sternly, "you know I hear you!"
“Then what’s this argument about?” Evelyn crossed her arms and leaned back as her mother struggled to remember[s],[/s] . After a good amount of time she shouted, “Exactly! This is kind of stuff I’m talking about!” Eve turned around and marched up the stairs.
“Don’t you walk away from me! Listen to me little girl-”
Eve stopped dead in her tracks[s],[/s] . Little? Oh no that was too far for her mom to go. She turned around and glared down at her, “Little?! Mom I’m not little anymore! I’m going to the prom in two months! Even if you decide to not let me go! News flash mom, I’m not a 'little girl' anymore.”
“You think I don't know that?"
"Mom! I know you don't know that! You missed the last fifteen years of my life! How can you expect to know me?”
Her mom looked down shamefully.
“Yeah and mom, I don’t care what you think about my life with dad! You chose to walk out on us! What did you expect when you returned, a giant hug and tears? Why did you come back to begin with? Never mind I don't care! Go back to your boyfriend, mom.”
Eve turned away from her mom and stormed upstairs; she slammed the door loudly behind her and flopped down on the bed. She didn’t know how long her mom would stay after that confrontation.
She must’ve fallen asleep because she was soon awakened by the vibration of her cell phone and the small ting of pebbles on her window.
The text message read, “Go to window.” She grinned and scurried over to the window. With the window open as far as it could go she stuck her top half out and waved at Jack.
“Hi!” she whispered to the black haired boy below. He looked remarkably like Daniel Radcliffe, a major bonus; of course she didn't dare tell him that.
“Come on! Hurry up or we’ll be caught!” Jack smiled up at the red haired girl leaning out the window, she looked like Bonnie Wright, Ginny from the Harry Potter movies, of course he didn't dare tell her that.
She went to her door and locked it before returning to the window and climbing down. The porch made it much easier to get out, but the rails were still slippery from the rain that had fallen earlier.
Her foot slipped and so did her grip. Luckily Jack was waiting for her just below and broke her fall. Muffling their laughs they got back onto their feet. It took a while to push the motorcycle around the other side of the block[s],[/s]. If they made too much noise it would wake up her parents.
"So how hard was it for you to sneak out?" she asked.
"Not that hard, mom and dad got back from a party and passed out in their room, they won't be awake until tomorrow when they have massive head aches."
"Did they ever think about taking one of those pills? The ones that don't get you hung over?"
"No they need the hangover to remember why they don't go out a lot."
"Oh right!"
They arrived at the night club. After they got the word “loser” stamped on their hands they went in. Immediately they were shoved onto the dance floor, which didn’t bother them at all, that’s what they went there for. They danced until their feet ached, and then went to get something to drink.
When Jack kissed her, she kissed back–forgetting that they were in a very public place. When they parted they were both breathless, which provided an awkward pause.
“Eve,” he said, “I love you.”
Shock filled her; she didn’t know what to say.
“Eve?” he asked, “Did you hear me.”
She nodded, “yeah I heard you.”
“Well,” he shrugged, “I just said ‘I love you’, do you have anything to say?”
“Thank-you?”
“That’s it?”
She nodded shamefully, “I’m sorry but… I don’t know what love feels like, I don’t think.” The pain in his eyes was unbearable to see.
“I think I should take you home now.” After he dropped her off in front of her house he drove away.
Weeks went by and they didn’t say a word to each other, and each day without his voice was like pins in her arm, making her slowly bleed to death. She realized that she did love him, but doubted that he would listen to her.
So she wrote him a letter, a long letter expressing everything she felt for him. After class she slipped it into his bag.
When he was going through his bag looking for his homework he found a brightly colored pink envelope, sealed with a kiss. On the inside he found a letter.
Dear Jack,
I know you were being serious in the club the other week, and I’ve hated myself every night since. The truth is: I do love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you more than I love books, and you know how much I love books. I didn’t think you’d stick around to listen to me, so I decided to tell you via letter.
Now I have one thing to ask of you: will you go to the prom with me?
With my love,
Evelyn.
Jack read the letter over and over again, letting the words sink in. Three days to the prom, could he pull it off? He picked up the phone and dialed her number.
“Hello?” she said. And as her voice reached his ears, a realization dawned on him, three days to the prom was too long to wait.
“Hello Eve.”
“Jack? I didn’t think you’d ever want to talk to me again.”
“Honey, I could talk to you forever. So... did your mom leave yet?”
"She left last week."
He loved hearing her voice, it was like chocolate, and he couldn't get enough.
End.
Evelyn crossed her arms and leaned back as her mother struggled to remember, after a good amount of time she shouted, up the stairs.
“Don’t you walk away from me! Listen to me little girl-”
"Mom! I know you don't know that! You missed the last fifteen years of my life! How can you expect to know me?”
Eve stopped dead in her tracks, little? Oh no that was too far for her mom to go. She turned around and glared down at her, “little?! Mom I’m not little anymore! I’m going to the prom in two months! Even if you decide to not let me go! News flash mom, I’m not a 'little girl' anymore.”
she slammed the door loudly behind her and flopped down on the bed.
She went to her door and locked it before returning to the window and climbing down. The porch made it much easier to get out, but the rails were still slippery from the rain that had fallen earlier.
Her foot slipped and so did her grip. Luckily Jack was waiting for her just below and broke her fall. Muffling their laughs they got back onto their feet. It took a while to push the motorcycle around the other side of the block, if they made too much noise it would wake up her parent
She nodded shamefully, “I’m sorry but… I don’t know what love feels like, I don’t think.” The pain in his eyes was unbearable to see.
“Hello?” she said. And as her voice reached his ears, a realization dawned on him, three days to the prom was too long to wait.
He loved hearing her voice, it was like chocolate, and he couldn't get enough.
AHH! I am very mad, I read part three and then read part one *sniffs*
Anywho, great job! I love this.
Going to read part two!
-- M.B.Author
I love this story and your sequil.
I love your word choice.
Please review some of my writing im new.
Hmmm... I should probably crit your work, since I am your friend. :D:D:D
Sorry it took so long :(:(:(:(
“For once, mom, will you just listen to me?” Evelyn shouted at her mother.
“I always listen!”
“But you don’t hear me!”
“Evelyn," her mother said sternly, "you know I hear you!"
“Then what’s this argument about?” Evelyn crossed her arms and leaned back as her mother struggled to remember, after a good amount of time she shouted, “Exactly! This is kind of stuff I’m talking about!” Eve turned around and marched up the stairs.
As Black Ghost said, this sounds off. I suggest you read this out loud to yourself. Also, there's a lack of emotion. Is her mother surprised at this outburst? Is she used to it?
Why can't Evelyn's mother remember the argument? Give us some thought bubbles, and reveal more about Evelyn.
“Don’t you walk away from me! Listen to me little girl-”
Hm. Again, this sounds rather undignified for a mother.
Eve stopped dead in her tracks, little? Oh no that was too far for her mom to go. She turned around and glared down at her, “little?! Mom I’m not little anymore! I’m going to the prom in two months! Even if you decide to not let me go! News flash mom, I’m not a 'little girl' anymore.”
What does prom have to do with not being little? You can make this paragraph much more relevant. Why a mother letting herself be brow-beaten by her daughter?
"Mom! I know you don't know that! You missed the last fifteen years of my life! How can you expect to know me?”
If this is the case, why is she calling her 'mom?' This woman is no mother to her.
“Yeah and mom, I don’t care what you think about my life with dad! You chose to walk out on us! What did you expect when you returned, a giant hug and tears? Why did you come back to begin with? Never mind I don't care! Go back to your boyfriend mom.”
You can cut back on the dialogue here. Add some thoughts, i.e. "After all this time, she expecte me to just...." etc. etc.
She must’ve fallen asleep because she was soon awakened by the vibration of her cell phone and the small ting of pebbles on her window.
The text message read, “Go to window.” She grinned and scurried over to the window. With the window open as far as it could go she stuck her top half out and waved at Jack
Either the pebbles or the cell. Both is a little much.
“Hi!” she whispered to the black haired boy below. He looked remarkably like Daniel Radcliffe, a major bonus; of couse she didn't dare tell him that.
I suggest you either take this out or say something different. Why to take it out: it will date your work, and people will say, "Oh, this is such an old book...." if you want to keep it, I suggest you have her say something about a memory i.e. "She smiled when she remembered telling him that, and how he laughed at that." etc etc. or to that extent.
“Come on! Hurry up or we’ll be caught!” Jack smiled up at the red haired girl leaning out the window, she looked like Bonnie Wright, Ginny from the Harry Potter movies, of course he didn't dare tell her that.
Here you switched characters on us. I suggest you take it out. Also, nix the bit about Ginny/Harry Potter movies. Again, this dates your work, and you want your work to be timeless. +:)=:D This description also makes things too obvious. I mean, we all KNOW that Harry and Ginny get together. Having your characters look like them, AND like eachother ruins your element of surprise. It makes your story too obvious.
She went to her door and locked it before returning to the window and climbing down. The porch made it much easier to get out, but the rails were still slippery from the rain that had fallen earlier.
Hmmm.... I think you can do better with this. Locking her door... being out all night... wouldn't her parents try to find her?
When Jack kissed her, she kissed back–forgetting that they were in a very public place. When they parted they were both breathless, which provided an awkward pause.
“Eve,” he said, “I love you.”
Shock filled her; she didn’t know what to say.
People at a club probably wouldn't care. Uh, why is this so shocking to her? He just kissed her. Usually that means "I love you." or "I really really REALLY like you, and I THINK I love you." I suggest you either take out the kiss, or him saying 'I love you.' Think of what you want to portray here.
Also, we need more thought bubbles!!!!! Seriously. We have NO idea what Eve is thinking. 'Shock'... what does she do when she's shocked? Does she start laughing, crying, shaking, drooling...? We need to know these things. Also, what is Jack doing? What does she think he's doing?
She nodded shamefully, “I’m sorry but… I don’t know what love feels like, I don’t think.” The pain in his eyes was unbearable to see.
I expected something different from this. I mean, Eve saying "I don't know what to say" would make more sense. Also, Jacks reaction seems a bit off. I mean, Eve was obviously surprised by the kiss/I love you, so it seems he wouldn't get too worked up about it.
“I think I should take you home now.” After he dropped her off in front of her house he drove away.
Especially since they are this old^^^^^, I suggest you change their reaction, or their age. They don't sound this old to me.
Weeks went by and they didn’t say a word to each other, and each day without voice was like pins in her arm, making her slowly bleed to death. She realized that she did love him, but doubted that he would listen to her
WHY?? We need a reason for them not able to talk to eachother. Did he go on vacation?? Did she? Details please.
When he was going through his bag looking for his homework he found a brightly colored pink envelope, sealed with a kiss. On the inside he found a letter.
Dear Jack,
I know you were being serious in the club the other week, and I’ve hated myself every night since. The truth is: I do love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you more than I love books, and you know how much I love books. I didn’t think you’d stick around to listen to me, so I decided to tell you via letter.
Now I have one thing to ask of you: will you go to the prom with me?
With my love,
Evelyn.
Jack read the letter over and over again, letting the words sink in. Three days to the prom, could he pull it off? He picked up the phone and dialed her number.
Again, you switched characters on us. Please make it more obvious when you're changing scenes.
Hmmm... Her letter sounds... I don't know, almost childish. I mean, it sounds like she's saying "you're hot. Let's go to prom." This relationship has to be built on something. At the moment, it sounds like they don't really love eachother. They like to kiss, and dance, and they way eachother looks... what do they LOVE about eachother? What is their reason? Give us flashbacks or something...
“Hello?” she said. And as her voice reached his ears, a realization dawned on him, three days to the prom was too long to wait.
“Hello Eve.”
“Jack? I didn’t think you’d ever want to talk to me again.”
“Honey, I could talk to you forever. So... did your mom leave yet?”
"She left last week."
He loved hearing her voice, it was like chocolate, and he couldn't get enough
This is a rather cut off ending. I think you could do better with that
Overall, I think you can do a lot better with this piece. We need to see some real emotion here. I mean, how did these two meet? Why do they like eachother so much?
We need to know these things. It's really hard to connect with your character because we know nothing about her. Her whole life, from our perspective, is about a boy and prom. Does she have any friends? Seriously, thought bubbles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We need them, and we need more background, and scenery.
If you have any questions, please PM me. :D:D:D I'm more than willing to help. :D:D:D:D
I liked this and I like the 'I could talk to you forever' pun.
But, to be honest, in my eyes it's not that great. It gets boring and tedious to read when you reach the middle and I think you have over dramatised the mother and daughter situation.
Also, punctuation and grammar along with capital letters and such need to be looked over in my eyes. Other than that, I kinda liked the plotline and think that with more work and maybe a continuation it will be better.
It was very sweet, very emotional. It is a bit messy, but nothing but a bit of work could fix it.
Red things are either comments, something I've changed, or something I've added.
“Then what’s this argument about?” Evelyn crossed her arms and leaned back as her mother struggled to remember. After a good amount of time she shouted, “Exactly! This is the kind of stuff I’m talking about!” Eve turned around and marched up the stairs.
This should be two separate sentences.It took a while to push the motorcycle around the other side of the block, if they made too much noise it would wake up her parents.
Nice! I liked it! I have a few suggestions.
"she looked like Bonnie Wright, Ginny from the Harry Potter movies, of course he didn't dare tell her that." I really didn't like this part, the comparisons of Harry Potter and Ginny. I myself am a devoted Potter fan, but this comparison really was not original. I'd rather you described it with metaphores, like "Her ruby hair dripped in the breeze, as she bent over the window sill..." etc. etc.
"No : they need the hangover to remember why they don't go out a lot."
“yeah I heard you.”
“I think I should take you home now.” After he dropped her off in front of her house he drove away.
The transition between what he said and the action is way too fast. Maybe add in between, The car ride there was embarassing, and the silence only added to the strangeness....
The ending was too cheesy. I read the story looking forward for some kind of surprising element, an emotion, something to make me go "Aw! Oh my! Wow!" But nothing happened. Here are my suggestions, in order of preference:
1. She shouldn't fall in love that fast. Make her wait, make her feel hate, then watch him in class, then lust, then love.
2. Make her write a letter of hate to hide her real feelings, and then find some other way to connect them.
3. Make him refuse her love.
Otherwise, well-written and very romantic! Liked it!
I liked the flow of this story. It was simple and easy to understand. The ideas in this story were similar to some of the asian soaps that I've watched. It changed when the boy appeared in front of the MC's window.
There's a lack of description in this piece. I hoped you could had added some into the piece to give me a better view of the story.
I also notice that the dialogue seems a bit...strange for some reason. Here's an example:
“Don’t you walk away from me! Listen to me little girl-”
This could work if the MC was at a certain age, but since you lacked description, I could not tell.
That's all I have to say. Overall, it was an interesting read.
Yeah, Alice, I was going through rereading this, and I made a few small notes. Some of it's a little confusing, like you could put a bit more detail. I think it could use a dab more about what happened with the mom and all, and why she was even there to begin with, considering that she walked out and all. That's all i got right now, but I'll surely have more. Good luck with Reader's Digest!!!
~Bells~
author13 wrote:“For once, mom, will you just listen to me?” Evelyn shouted at her mother.
“I always listen!”
“But you don’t hear me!”
“Evelyn," her mother said sternly, "you know I hear you!"
“Then what’s this argument about?” Evelyn crossed her arms and leaned back as her mother struggled to remember, after a good amount of time she shouted, “Exactly! This is kind of stuff I’m talking about!” Eve turned around and marched up the stairs.
“Don’t you walk away from me! Listen to me little girl-”
Eve stopped dead in her tracks, little? Oh no, that was too far for her mom to go. She turned around and glared down at her, “little?! Mom I’m not little anymore! I’m going to the prom in two months! Even if you decide to not let me go! News flash mom, I’m not a 'little girl' anymore.”
“You think I don't know that?"
"Mom! I know you don't know that! You missed the last fifteen years of my life! How can you expect to know me?”
Her mom looked down shamefully.
“Yeah and mom, I don’t care what you think about my life with dad! You chose to walk out on us! What did you expect when you returned, a giant hug and tears? No, go back to your boyfriend, mom.”
Eve turned away from her mom and stormed upstairs; she slammed the door loudly behind her and flopped down on the bed. She didn’t know how long her mom would stay after that confrontation, and even though she hated herself for it, she felt a little sorry for telling her mom to go back to her pimp.
She must’ve fallen asleep because she was soon awakened by the vibration of her cell phone and the small ting of pebbles on her window.
The text message read, “Go to window.” She grinned and scurried over to the window. With the window open as far as it could go she stuck her top half out and waved at Jack.
“Hi!” she whispered.
“Come on! Hurry up or we’ll be late and get crappy seats!”
She went to her door and locked it before returning to the window and climbing down. The porch made it much easier to get out, but the rails were still slippery from the rain that had fallen earlier.
Her foot slipped and so did her grip. Luckily Jack was waiting for her just below and broke her fall. Muffling their laughs they got back onto their feet. It took a while to push the motorcycle around the other side of the block. But once they did they managed to get the engine going pretty well. It took another half hour before they reached the night club.
author13 wrote:After they got the word “loser” stamped on their hands they went in. Immediately they were shoved onto the dance floor, which didn’t bother them at all, that’s what they went there for. They danced until their feet ached, and then went to get something to drink.
When Jack kissed her, she kissed back–forgetting that they were in a very Italics public place. When they parted they were both breathless, which provided an awkward pause.
“Eve,” he said, “I love you.”
Shock filled her; she didn’t know what to say.
“Eve?” he asked, “Did you hear me.”
She nodded, “yeah I heard you.”
“Well,” he shrugged, “I just said ‘I love you’, do you have anything to say?”
“Thank-you?”
“That’s it?”
She nodded shamefully, “I’m sorry but… I don’t know what love feels like, I don’t think.” The pain in his eyes was unbearable to see.
“I think I should take you home now.” After he dropped her off in front of her house he drove away.
Weeks went by and they didn’t say a word to each other, and each day without voice was like pins in her arm, making her slowly bleed to death. She realized that she did love him, but doubted that he would listen to her.
So she wrote him a letter, a long letter expressing everything she felt for him. After class she slipped it into his bag.
When he was going through his bag looking for his homework he found a brightly colored pink envelope, sealed with a kiss. On the inside he found a letter.
Dear Jack,
I know you were being serious in the club the other week, and I’ve hated myself every night since. The truth is: I do love you. With every fiber of my being, I love you more than I love books, and you know how much I love books. I didn’t think you’d stick around to listen to me, so I decided to tell you via letter.
Now I have one thing to ask of you: will you go to the prom with me?
With my love,
Evelyn.
Jack read the letter over and over again, letting the words sink in. Three days to the prom, could he pull it off? He picked up the phone and dialed her number.
“Hello?” she said. And as her voice reached his ears, a realization dawned on him, three days to the prom was too long to wait.
“Hello Eve.”
“Jack? I didn’t think you’d ever want to talk to me again.”
“Honey, I could talk to you forever. So... did your mom leave yet?”
"She left last week."
He loved hearing her voice, it was like chocolate, and he couldn't get enough.
End.
Thanks for the help so far, I'm trying to find a way to get this published in Readers Digest! Wouldn't that be awesome? MM I hope I did a little better with the dialoge now, I changed it a bit.
I like it...it fits you. I did that to my boyfriend the first time he said "i love you"...but we still talked after words...he didn't spazz out...we'd only been goign out for a week anyway. lol. NICE JOB ALICE!!!
Hey, author13. Your pieces are always very interesting, and I like how you attempt to tackle drama in a refreshing way. But, there are still parts you can improve on. In this piece, the biggest problem is dialogue.
This is especially true when the mother and daugher are talking at the beginning. Frankly, the mother's dialogue just sounds unrealistic as far as I'm concerned. Let me show you why:
“I do to!”
“Don’t you walk away from me little girl!”
Thats all there is, its a short story, a very short story at that, but thats all there is.
I loved it... thats all I can say... because i'm breathless I want to read the next part!!!!
Points: 890
Reviews: 6
Donate