the big, the bad, and the ugly

ever since i was young,
i was taught to view the idea of big
as bad.
__
big faces,
big hands,
large legs,
large arms,
voluminous curls,
big and bad.
___
i vaguely remember
the first time my dad
commented on a person's size.
i don't remember the
words he used,
or in which language he said it.
i only remember he planted a seed in me that day
____
of judgement.
that was the day
he indirectly told me,
'in our culture,
it's perfectly okay
to comment on
somebody's size.'
__
and i later realized,
oh wait,
that is what they do in my parents' culture,
which i share.
after reuniting with somebody,
eventually, the either
'you've grown fatter!'
or, 'you've lost weight!'
will come,
as part of the conversation.
___
so i realize, my parents lived
in a culture
where this was normalized,
that is why they take no offense
when said to them, they laugh it off,
and they think it is okay to do it themselves...
but still, how could they possibly believe that!?!
that it's the norm, it's okay?
__
and yet here i am in the United States,
where i am growing up,
the media is almost always screaming
small small small!
___
small belly,
snatched jawline,
tiny nose,
sleek, straight hair,
oftentimes small.
___
and then some things big,
big eyes,
plump lips,
being muscular,
you get the idea:
____
there is a mold
to be fit in.
__
and now i hate myself,
because the 1st thing i judge, or at least notice
about a person
is their looks.
____
my mind has developed
a computerized system
to objectify and evaluate each part,
and i know that makes me sound like a monster,
and i hate it
so, so, so , so much.
____
so i try to shut down the system,
with prayer and affirmations,
and constantly, silently reprimanding myself...
____
and it seems i've made, maybe the slightest bit
of progress,
but i doubt it'll ever completely shut down;
i hope it isn't but i fear it is
a consequence of sin i shall have to live
with at least the remnants of.
___
and the only way i survive not facing
how low my own system would evaluate my looks,
is by standing an inch from the mirror,
every day,
at least a minute or two,
maybe ten,
consciously and unconsciously
building an ego so massive
[i whisper, this is the kind of big that is bad]
____
so now i'm a bit older,
i know that curls are unique,
big bodies can be strong ones,
i still struggle not to judge...

but i try to keep in mind that people are far, far more
than looks,
a whirlwind of emotions, hopes, dreams, experiences, trauma,
o what beautiful, bittersweet
creations of God they are.
__
and so after i read Song of Songs one day,
i find my favorite verse,
which i will internally whisper to myself
and each person i pass by on the street,
"behold, you are beautiful, my beloved,
behold you are beautiful,
your eyes are doves."
[- Song of Songs 1:15]
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