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12+ Violence Mature Content

The adventures of Poppy Verosisca-Eight

by vampricone6783


*Part eight of my “Poppy” series. This is how to pronounce the main character’s last name: VER-OH-SIS-CA. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

I guess there’s only one thing to do when two people disappear into thin air.

Go down the scary and dark industrial hallway that manifested out of nowhere.

…………………………………………………..

I’m in the hallway. I’m not sure where it leads to, but I know that it appeared for a reason.

I see daylight.

I’m running. It feels as though I’m breaking the wind apart. I can’t explain it, but that’s what I feel.

…………………………………………………..

I’m outside. It’s morning. It must be the next day. Jessica and that boy are standing underneath a tree. Ash is with them.

“What’s going on?” I ask. I’m not really sure of things anymore.

“The mental hospital I was in wasn’t really a mental hospital. It’s an illusion. Created by someone named Chloe. The ghosts told me.” Jessica says.

Ghosts? Chloe? Illusions?

I turn around. There’s no mental hospital. It’s just a hill sprinkled with dandelions and daisies.

“They said that she was coming to your house. That she was going to take everything from you, Poppy.”

I hear her words, but I’m not really registering them.

Chloe is coming to my house? She’s going to take everything from me?

I look away from the hill and face them again. Jessica looks worried. Ash is hugging the weak boy close to him.

“Who is that?” I ask, because something has to make sense.

“His name is Henry. He needs my help.” Ash replies, hugging him closer.

“We can stop her together. Come on, there isn’t a moment to waste.” Jessica says, getting up.

The three of them get up, Ash holding onto Henry. They’re all ready to go.

“Alright. Let’s do this.” I say.

These years have been quite a rollercoaster and today has been no less different. I hope that Jessica is right about being able to stop Chloe, because I’m not certain of anything anymore.


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557 Reviews

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Wed Jun 07, 2023 8:16 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Back again! Let's dive right in.

This is kind of a short one, so I don't have quite as much to say.

I believe on part 7 someone mentioned that your story, especially since it falls into horror/supernatural, would really benefit from foreshadowing. You actually did a little bit for this one in the lead up to the reveal of the illusion, so awesome job there.

I think you could have leaned way harder into it though. Foreshadowing is as much about the suspense and the feeling as it is about the trickle of information. And in the best examples, they are one and the same. You dropped hints like the suddenness of this hospital's appearance and the lack of other patients, and those are pretty big informational clues that something was wrong--but they don't necessarily convey the feeling that something isn't as it seems.

For that, it's probably a good idea to dig deeper into your setting descriptions.

Now, I'm a little intense about settings because I have a degree in architecture, so feel free to tone down every suggestion I make here. But basically, what will really help you is to think about what physical sensations and forms in the building help add to the idea that it is an illusion?

Maybe it's dead silent, or maybe it's missing details that a normal building would have (wall trimmings, for me, would be a dead giveaway- very few people think about those little wood or rubber covers at the bottoms of walls where the painters can't make clean coats and so it's covered up... anyway). Maybe the air is totally still without air conditioning, or maybe it's windy like it's outdoors. Think about the physical nature of what would make this hospital sit just a little off of real and use it to both set the tone and drop hints as we go through it.

As a side note... I feel like there's no real explanation for how any of these characters broke through the illusion? Like, why did Jessica's voices only tell her now? What does the hallway have to do with Poppy breaking free of it?

Anyhow, that's really all I had to say. Keep doing what you're doing!
-Vento




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Sun Apr 30, 2023 5:12 pm
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Roxanne wrote a review...



Well, hello, hello, hello.

As I was traveling through the green room with my suitcase and hat, I came across this fascinating story. I am here to review your story and, of course, get some points (evil grin).

I'll be very honest, I haven't read the other parts of your story. But just with this chapter you manage to make the reader want to go back and read from the beginning.

You have written quite a story here and the introduction totally works like a big magnet for readers like me. Had I known I would read this story, I would have saved the popcorn I just ate.

The creepy and dark corridor is the best, run through it, really run. But wait, something is not right here. The mental hospital is not a real mental hospital and turns out to be an illusion. (stares at the screen for almost an hour) Plot twist! That's a very good one, I definitely didn't see that coming.

Villain alert! Chloe is a nice name, probably a nice person. But no, she's the bad guy, or girl in this case. Jessica can see ghosts, hmm... interesting, very interesting. I'm curious how... And now I regret that I didn't read from the beginning. And then this boy Henry, he doesn't seem strange at all, maybe he has a greater purpose.

And then this line, "These years have been quite a rollercoaster and today has been no less different. I hope that Jessica is right about being able to stop Chloe, because I’m not certain of anything anymore."
Wow! You really know how to keep a reader on the edge of their seat.

Poppy Verosisca is a pretty unique name for your main character. The story is great and so is your writing style. You did a great job!

Keep on doing what you do!

-Rose

https://rosewriting12.blogspot.com/




vampricone6783 says...


Thank you! In the first story up to the fourth, she is Poppy McLain, but in the fifth, she gets married and becomes Poppy Verosisca.



Roxanne says...


Good to know! You've created an amazing character. All the best with the other chapters :D



vampricone6783 says...


Thanks. :)




Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink