Young Writers Society

Back again! Let's dive right in.

This is kind of a short one, so I don't have quite as much to say.

I believe on part 7 someone mentioned that your story, especially since it falls into horror/supernatural, would really benefit from foreshadowing. You actually did a little bit for this one in the lead up to the reveal of the illusion, so awesome job there.

I think you could have leaned way harder into it though. Foreshadowing is as much about the suspense and the feeling as it is about the trickle of information. And in the best examples, they are one and the same. You dropped hints like the suddenness of this hospital's appearance and the lack of other patients, and those are pretty big informational clues that something was wrong--but they don't necessarily convey the feeling that something isn't as it seems.

For that, it's probably a good idea to dig deeper into your setting descriptions.

Now, I'm a little intense about settings because I have a degree in architecture, so feel free to tone down every suggestion I make here. But basically, what will really help you is to think about what physical sensations and forms in the building help add to the idea that it is an illusion?

Maybe it's dead silent, or maybe it's missing details that a normal building would have (wall trimmings, for me, would be a dead giveaway- very few people think about those little wood or rubber covers at the bottoms of walls where the painters can't make clean coats and so it's covered up... anyway). Maybe the air is totally still without air conditioning, or maybe it's windy like it's outdoors. Think about the physical nature of what would make this hospital sit just a little off of real and use it to both set the tone and drop hints as we go through it.

As a side note... I feel like there's no real explanation for how any of these characters broke through the illusion? Like, why did Jessica's voices only tell her now? What does the hallway have to do with Poppy breaking free of it?

Anyhow, that's really all I had to say. Keep doing what you're doing!
-Vento

Well, hello, hello, hello.

As I was traveling through the green room with my suitcase and hat, I came across this fascinating story. I am here to review your story and, of course, get some points (evil grin).

I'll be very honest, I haven't read the other parts of your story. But just with this chapter you manage to make the reader want to go back and read from the beginning.

You have written quite a story here and the introduction totally works like a big magnet for readers like me. Had I known I would read this story, I would have saved the popcorn I just ate.

The creepy and dark corridor is the best, run through it, really run. But wait, something is not right here. The mental hospital is not a real mental hospital and turns out to be an illusion. (stares at the screen for almost an hour) Plot twist! That's a very good one, I definitely didn't see that coming.

Villain alert! Chloe is a nice name, probably a nice person. But no, she's the bad guy, or girl in this case. Jessica can see ghosts, hmm... interesting, very interesting. I'm curious how... And now I regret that I didn't read from the beginning. And then this boy Henry, he doesn't seem strange at all, maybe he has a greater purpose.

And then this line, "These years have been quite a rollercoaster and today has been no less different. I hope that Jessica is right about being able to stop Chloe, because I’m not certain of anything anymore."
Wow! You really know how to keep a reader on the edge of their seat.

Poppy Verosisca is a pretty unique name for your main character. The story is great and so is your writing style. You did a great job!

Keep on doing what you do!

-Rose

https://rosewriting12.blogspot.com/