Young Writers Society

Hey there!

So, I just finished reading Part One of your story, "Siren's Desire," and I gotta tell you, it's pretty awesome! The whole idea of this legend about Israfel, the cursed siren haunting Moon's Beach, got me hooked right from the start.

Lorelei, the main character, is a sixteen-year-old girl who's super into the whole legend. I totally related to her because sometimes I find myself wondering if there's more to the world than what meets the eye. You did a great job of showing her internal struggle between thinking it's all too fantastical and believing that anything is possible. I was right there with her, trying to figure out what's real and what's not.

Your descriptions were on point! Seriously, I could picture Moon's Beach so clearly in my mind. The cool breeze, the waves singing a lullaby, it was like I was there with Lorelei, feeling the sand between my toes. Your writing really brought the setting to life.

And that moment when Lorelei hears Israfel's song? Wow, it was mesmerizing! You described his voice as better than honey and pure light, and I could almost hear it myself. It gave me chills, in a good way. I was totally under his spell, just like Lorelei. It was intense!

The way you built up the tension when Lorelei swims to the cave where Israfel's voice gets louder was amazing. I could feel her determination to see him, even though there were other bodies of girls around. That gave me goosebumps, for real. And when she finally comes face to face with Israfel, the way you described him with his green eyes and long silver hair, it was like a scene from a movie.

But then, things took a twist. Israfel seemed to have a moment of fear in his eyes when another girl called out to him. That got me super intrigued. And when he asked Lorelei to stay with him and pulled her into the water, I was like, "Whoa, what's gonna happen next?" I can't wait to find out!

Overall, I loved reading Part One of "Siren's Desire." It's got this magical and mysterious vibe that keeps you on the edge of your seat. I can't wait to see where the story goes from here. Keep up the great work!


Me,

Red Riddle Rose

Hey there,

I am here to leave you an review!

First of all, this is so nice! I really like the idea of the month may as the month of the Mermaids, it is so cool. I love your names once again. Especially Isadora and Lorelei. I am happy I stumbled upon your story.

In a beach town called "Moon's Beach", there was a sixteen year old girl named Lorelei, who was sitting on her bed, holding her legs to her chest.

Even though Lorelei was supposed to be sleeping, she was too busy thinking about Moon Beach’s legend.

The legend of Israfel.

It was said that Israfel was a young boy, only sixteen, who lived in the time of the 1800s. He lived in Moon's Beach, and had a girlfriend named Isadora. They were an unbreakable bond. At least, everyone thought that they were.

Isadora cursed Israfel to be a siren one moonlit night.

From then on, it was said that Israfel haunted the waters of Moon’s Beach, luring teen girls to their doom with his sweet song.

Lorelei didn’t know what to believe. On one hand, it was too fantastical to be true, but on the other hand, anything was possible.

She got out of bed and cracked open the window. A cool breeze rushed in. The waves sang a lullaby, nothing like the voice of Israfel, which was said to sound like honey.

When Lorelei jumped out, she felt the soft sand under her feet. She liked living next to the beach.

Then she heard it. It was so beautiful, it couldn’t be anything else.

It was Israfel’s song.

…………………………………………………..

His voice sounded better than honey. It sounded like pure light, like the trip to Heaven.

At first, she could only hear a gentle hum, but then she heard words:

“My love and I, we sang at sea

Under the moonlight, she and me

Isadora was her name, she was a lovely dame

But her eyes grew cold, our love had no hold

She changed me to a monster, made me a demon

Her flesh was the first to be eaten

To young girls who think I can be saved, know now that your body will lie in my cave”

Lorelei was entranced like never before in her life. She was swimming perfectly, pulled by an invisible force.

Some time later, she saw a dark, gaping cavern.

…………………………………………………..

Lorelei swam to the cave, where his voice only got louder. There were bodies of other young girls, but she swam past them.

She had to get to Israfel. She had to see him. If she didn’t, then how would she go on with life?

Something came up behind her and held her by the waist. She was turned around…

And face to face with Israfel.

She knew it was Israfel from his endless green eyes, his long silver hair that almost completely hid his pale face.

The song told her that it was Israfel holding her. She could feel it.

“You look just like Isadora, love.” He said. Even when he spoke, it sounded like he was singing.

Israfel brought Lorelei closer, so that they were only inches from each other.

“I wonder if I should release you…”

He was lovely to look at and his voice was the best she ever heard, but the bodies surrounding them and the claws on her waist reminded Lorelei that he wasn’t a boy. That he could tear her apart and leave her to drown.

That she was under a spell.

“Young lady fair, I free you from love’s grip and back into the light of life.”

Just like that, Lorelei could think again. She could breathe again. She could be again.

She wanted to swim away, but at the same time, he was so…fascinating. He was real. He was magical.

“Israfel…Israfel!” A girl called out.

Israfel’s eyes seemed to have a hint of fright, before they extinguished into nothingness.

“Stay with me.” Israfel said, pulling her into the water.

“Stay with me.”

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a neat little tale and I think you've got yourself a solid little start as usual. Maybe a touch fast paced on that transition from the story and the setup to things actually falling apart but for the most part it was quite nicely done and I think you ended that on a great note.

Anyway let's get right to it,

In a beach town called "Moon's Beach", there was a sixteen year old girl named Lorelei, who was sitting on her bed, holding her legs to her chest.

Even though Lorelei was supposed to be sleeping, she was too busy thinking about Moon Beach’s legend.

The legend of Israfel.

It was said that Israfel was a young boy, only sixteen, who lived in the time of the 1800s. He lived in Moon's Beach, and had a girlfriend named Isadora. They were an unbreakable bond. At least, everyone thought that they were.

Isadora cursed Israfel to be a siren one moonlit night.

From then on, it was said that Israfel haunted the waters of Moon’s Beach, luring teen girls to their doom with his sweet song.

Lorelei didn’t know what to believe. On one hand, it was too fantastical to be true, but on the other hand, anything was possible.

She got out of bed and cracked open the window. A cool breeze rushed in. The waves sang a lullaby, nothing like the voice of Israfel, which was said to sound like honey.

When Lorelei jumped out, she felt the soft sand under her feet. She liked living next to the beach.

Then she heard it. It was so beautiful, it couldn’t be anything else.

It was Israfel’s song.

His voice sounded better than honey. It sounded like pure light, like the trip to Heaven.

At first, she could only hear a gentle hum, but then she heard words:

“My love and I, we sang at sea

Under the moonlight, she and me

Isadora was her name, she was a lovely dame

But her eyes grew cold, our love had no hold

She changed me to a monster, made me a demon

Her flesh was the first to be eaten

To young girls who think I can be saved, know now that your body will lie in my cave”

Lorelei was entranced like never before in her life. She was swimming perfectly, pulled by an invisible force.

Some time later, she saw a dark, gaping cavern.

Lorelei swam to the cave, where his voice only got louder. There were bodies of other young girls, but she swam past them.

She had to get to Israfel. She had to see him. If she didn’t, then how would she go on with life?

Something came up behind her and held her by the waist. She was turned around…

And face to face with Israfel.

She knew it was Israfel from his endless green eyes, his long silver hair that almost completely hid his pale face.

The song told her that it was Israfel holding her. She could feel it.

“You look just like Isadora, love.” He said. Even when he spoke, it sounded like he was singing.

Israfel brought Lorelei closer, so that they were only inches from each other.

“I wonder if I should release you…”

He was lovely to look at and his voice was the best she ever heard, but the bodies surrounding them and the claws on her waist reminded Lorelei that he wasn’t a boy. That he could tear her apart and leave her to drown.

That she was under a spell.

“Young lady fair, I free you from love’s grip and back into the light of life.”

Just like that, Lorelei could think again. She could breathe again. She could be again.

She wanted to swim away, but at the same time, he was so…fascinating. He was real. He was magical.

“Israfel…Israfel!” A girl called out.

Israfel’s eyes seemed to have a hint of fright, before they extinguished into nothingness.

“Stay with me.” Israfel said, pulling her into the water.