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16+ Mature Content

Siren’s Desire-Part One

by vampricone6783


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

*May is mermaid month. It’s called “Mermay” and is celebrated on Social Media through people drawing a different kind of mermaid every day on May, but instead of drawing, I decided to write this series. I hope that you enjoy. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall.*



In a beach town called "Moon's Beach", there was a sixteen year old girl named Lorelei Winston, who was sitting on her bed, hugging her legs up to her chest.

Even though Lorelei was supposed to be sleeping, she was too busy thinking about Moon Beach’s legend.

The legend of Israfel.

It was said that Israfel was a young boy, only sixteen, who lived in the time of the 1800s. He lived in Moon's Beach, and had a girlfriend named Isadora. They were an unbreakable bond. At least, everyone thought that they were.

Isadora cursed Israfel to be a siren one moonlit night.

From then on, it was said that Israfel haunted the waters of Moon’s Beach, luring teen girls to their doom with his sweet song.

Lorelei didn’t know what to believe. On one hand, it was too fantastical to be true, but on the other hand, anything was possible.

She got out of bed and cracked open the window. A cool breeze rushed in. The waves sang a lullaby, nothing like the voice of Israfel, which was said to sound like honey.

When Lorelei jumped out, she felt the soft sand under her feet. She liked living next to the beach.

Then she heard it. It was so beautiful, it couldn’t be anything else.

It was Israfel’s song.

…………………………………………………..

His voice sounded better than honey. It sounded like pure light, like the trip to Heaven.

At first, she could only hear a gentle hum, but then she heard words:

“My love and I, we sang at sea

Under the moonlight, she and me

Isadora was her name, she was a lovely dame

But her eyes grew cold, our love had no hold

She changed me to a monster, made me a demon

Her flesh was the first to be eaten

To young girls who think I can be saved, know now that your body will lie in my cave”

Lorelei was entranced like never before in her life. She was swimming perfectly, pulled by an invisible force.

Some time later, she saw a dark, gaping cavern.

…………………………………………………..

Lorelei swam to the cave, where his voice only got louder. There were bodies of other young girls, but she swam past them.

She had to get to Israfel. She had to see him. If she didn’t, then how would she go on with life?

Something came up behind her and held her by the waist. She was turned around…

And face to face with Israfel.

She knew it was Israfel from his endless green eyes, his long silver hair that almost completely hid his pale face.

The song told her that it was Israfel holding her. She could feel it.

“You look just like Isadora, love.” He said. Even when he spoke, it sounded like he was singing.

Israfel brought Lorelei closer, so that they were only inches from each other.

“I wonder if I should release you…”

He was lovely to look at and his voice was the best she ever heard, but the bodies surrounding them and the claws on her waist reminded Lorelei that he wasn’t a boy. That he could tear her apart and leave her to drown.

That she was under a spell.

“Young lady fair, I free you from love’s grip and back into the light of life.”

Just like that, Lorelei could think again. She could breathe again. She could be again.

She wanted to swim away, but at the same time, he was so…fascinating. He was real. He was magical.

“Israfel…Israfel!” A girl called out.

Israfel’s eyes seemed to have a hint of fright, before they extinguished into nothingness.

“Stay with me.” Israfel said, pulling her into the water.


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Mon May 29, 2023 4:42 pm
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Roxanne wrote a review...



Hey there!

So, I just finished reading Part One of your story, "Siren's Desire," and I gotta tell you, it's pretty awesome! The whole idea of this legend about Israfel, the cursed siren haunting Moon's Beach, got me hooked right from the start.

Lorelei, the main character, is a sixteen-year-old girl who's super into the whole legend. I totally related to her because sometimes I find myself wondering if there's more to the world than what meets the eye. You did a great job of showing her internal struggle between thinking it's all too fantastical and believing that anything is possible. I was right there with her, trying to figure out what's real and what's not.

Your descriptions were on point! Seriously, I could picture Moon's Beach so clearly in my mind. The cool breeze, the waves singing a lullaby, it was like I was there with Lorelei, feeling the sand between my toes. Your writing really brought the setting to life.

And that moment when Lorelei hears Israfel's song? Wow, it was mesmerizing! You described his voice as better than honey and pure light, and I could almost hear it myself. It gave me chills, in a good way. I was totally under his spell, just like Lorelei. It was intense!

The way you built up the tension when Lorelei swims to the cave where Israfel's voice gets louder was amazing. I could feel her determination to see him, even though there were other bodies of girls around. That gave me goosebumps, for real. And when she finally comes face to face with Israfel, the way you described him with his green eyes and long silver hair, it was like a scene from a movie.

But then, things took a twist. Israfel seemed to have a moment of fear in his eyes when another girl called out to him. That got me super intrigued. And when he asked Lorelei to stay with him and pulled her into the water, I was like, "Whoa, what's gonna happen next?" I can't wait to find out!

Overall, I loved reading Part One of "Siren's Desire." It's got this magical and mysterious vibe that keeps you on the edge of your seat. I can't wait to see where the story goes from here. Keep up the great work!


Me,

Red Riddle Rose




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Tue May 23, 2023 3:10 pm
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AmayaStatham wrote a review...



Hey there,

I am here to leave you an review!

First of all, this is so nice! I really like the idea of the month may as the month of the Mermaids, it is so cool. I love your names once again. Especially Isadora and Lorelei. I am happy I stumbled upon your story.

In a beach town called "Moon's Beach", there was a sixteen year old girl named Lorelei, who was sitting on her bed, holding her legs to her chest.

Even though Lorelei was supposed to be sleeping, she was too busy thinking about Moon Beach’s legend.

The legend of Israfel.

It was said that Israfel was a young boy, only sixteen, who lived in the time of the 1800s. He lived in Moon's Beach, and had a girlfriend named Isadora. They were an unbreakable bond. At least, everyone thought that they were.

Isadora cursed Israfel to be a siren one moonlit night.

From then on, it was said that Israfel haunted the waters of Moon’s Beach, luring teen girls to their doom with his sweet song.

Lorelei didn’t know what to believe. On one hand, it was too fantastical to be true, but on the other hand, anything was possible.

She got out of bed and cracked open the window. A cool breeze rushed in. The waves sang a lullaby, nothing like the voice of Israfel, which was said to sound like honey.

When Lorelei jumped out, she felt the soft sand under her feet. She liked living next to the beach.

Then she heard it. It was so beautiful, it couldn’t be anything else.

It was Israfel’s song.

…………………………………………………..


I like the build up over here, the way you just go from Lorelei to the whole backstory of Israfel. I love the fact that not the girl is cursed in this story as always, cliche now. But that the boy, Israfel, is cursed, it gives the story an whole of the perspective and makes it even more great.

I like the whole idea behind the mermaid/ siren thing. And you also did a great job on making the introduction not to long, but engaging right away. I got hooked immedeatly and I am glad it went that way.

The fact that you made Lorelei get hypnotised in Israfel his song is great. It was the kinda pace that I had expected the story to take, so you got that part very on point!

<3333

His voice sounded better than honey. It sounded like pure light, like the trip to Heaven.

At first, she could only hear a gentle hum, but then she heard words:

“My love and I, we sang at sea

Under the moonlight, she and me

Isadora was her name, she was a lovely dame

But her eyes grew cold, our love had no hold

She changed me to a monster, made me a demon

Her flesh was the first to be eaten

To young girls who think I can be saved, know now that your body will lie in my cave”

Lorelei was entranced like never before in her life. She was swimming perfectly, pulled by an invisible force.

Some time later, she saw a dark, gaping cavern.

…………………………………………………..


Oh god. Did she just jump in the water? Wait, she did. Eeeppyy Creeppyy here...
I really really hope she doesnt die.

The song is just amazing. Question: Did you made that up too?
It's awesome and it fits nicely with the story itself too. I really like it <333.

Your descriptions fit nicely with the scenes. I can really create an image for myself. Like this e.g. "She was swimming perfectly, pulled by an invisible force."

Lorelei swam to the cave, where his voice only got louder. There were bodies of other young girls, but she swam past them.

She had to get to Israfel. She had to see him. If she didn’t, then how would she go on with life?

Something came up behind her and held her by the waist. She was turned around…

And face to face with Israfel.

She knew it was Israfel from his endless green eyes, his long silver hair that almost completely hid his pale face.

The song told her that it was Israfel holding her. She could feel it.

“You look just like Isadora, love.” He said. Even when he spoke, it sounded like he was singing.

Israfel brought Lorelei closer, so that they were only inches from each other.

“I wonder if I should release you…”


Oh nooooo. He caught her. Wait, did you just mention bodies of girl drifting in the water??? You did. This is totally not getting scary.

OFC she has to look like his first love.
RUN GIRL!!! DONT YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS ALREADY???

But guess what. She is freakin' hynotised! So ofc she wont be able to run away.

He was lovely to look at and his voice was the best she ever heard, but the bodies surrounding them and the claws on her waist reminded Lorelei that he wasn’t a boy. That he could tear her apart and leave her to drown.

That she was under a spell.

“Young lady fair, I free you from love’s grip and back into the light of life.”

Just like that, Lorelei could think again. She could breathe again. She could be again.

She wanted to swim away, but at the same time, he was so…fascinating. He was real. He was magical.

“Israfel…Israfel!” A girl called out.

Israfel’s eyes seemed to have a hint of fright, before they extinguished into nothingness.

“Stay with me.” Israfel said, pulling her into the water.


Thank god! He released her. But why??? I wonder. Did he see something in her that he didnt see in Isadora?? Is she special or just different?

“Stay with me.”
Wait, why is he pulling her in the water? Does he wants to kill her? Please no.

You did an amazing job once again. I really liked this story and I hope to read some sequels or origins soon. Pls tag me if you do post more of this story ;) Have a nice day or night! Keep writing! You are doin' amazin'!

Magically yours,
Rinisha




vampricone6783 says...


I will tag you when I continue this story.

Yes, I made the song myself.

I am glad you like it.



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Tue May 23, 2023 12:44 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a neat little tale and I think you've got yourself a solid little start as usual. Maybe a touch fast paced on that transition from the story and the setup to things actually falling apart but for the most part it was quite nicely done and I think you ended that on a great note.

Anyway let's get right to it,

In a beach town called "Moon's Beach", there was a sixteen year old girl named Lorelei, who was sitting on her bed, holding her legs to her chest.

Even though Lorelei was supposed to be sleeping, she was too busy thinking about Moon Beach’s legend.

The legend of Israfel.

It was said that Israfel was a young boy, only sixteen, who lived in the time of the 1800s. He lived in Moon's Beach, and had a girlfriend named Isadora. They were an unbreakable bond. At least, everyone thought that they were.

Isadora cursed Israfel to be a siren one moonlit night.


Well this is quite the start here. We've got ourselves a simple enough little setting there in terms of the way that you've gone about setting up that description. It sets the scene really well for the opening to the story to follow. I think its a great combination of ever so slightly scary and mysterious to really get your attention quite quickly.

From then on, it was said that Israfel haunted the waters of Moon’s Beach, luring teen girls to their doom with his sweet song.

Lorelei didn’t know what to believe. On one hand, it was too fantastical to be true, but on the other hand, anything was possible.

She got out of bed and cracked open the window. A cool breeze rushed in. The waves sang a lullaby, nothing like the voice of Israfel, which was said to sound like honey.

When Lorelei jumped out, she felt the soft sand under her feet. She liked living next to the beach.

Then she heard it. It was so beautiful, it couldn’t be anything else.

It was Israfel’s song.


Ooooh well it looks like this legend is in fact going to immediately come into play here. I was expecting things to take a tiny bit longer than that but it seems that we're going to in fact just be diving straight in here. I can't wait to see what more will end up coming of this.

His voice sounded better than honey. It sounded like pure light, like the trip to Heaven.

At first, she could only hear a gentle hum, but then she heard words:

“My love and I, we sang at sea

Under the moonlight, she and me

Isadora was her name, she was a lovely dame

But her eyes grew cold, our love had no hold

She changed me to a monster, made me a demon

Her flesh was the first to be eaten

To young girls who think I can be saved, know now that your body will lie in my cave”


Well that's quite the song. Its a nice way to introduce a possible backstory here for our evil siren situation here. That definitely seems like a pretty tragic background even though it seems you can't quite forgive this siren just yet either, certainly not without more background on exactly what that might all mean.

Lorelei was entranced like never before in her life. She was swimming perfectly, pulled by an invisible force.

Some time later, she saw a dark, gaping cavern.


Ooooh well that looks like perfect spot for there to be a bit of a death trap. Let's see what horrors we might end up seeing bursting forth from that particular one. It definitely seems set up for quite a few horrors to actually burst out here. Lorelei is either fully entranced or just incredibly curious and well it does seem set to end well.

Lorelei swam to the cave, where his voice only got louder. There were bodies of other young girls, but she swam past them.

She had to get to Israfel. She had to see him. If she didn’t, then how would she go on with life?

Something came up behind her and held her by the waist. She was turned around…

And face to face with Israfel.

She knew it was Israfel from his endless green eyes, his long silver hair that almost completely hid his pale face.

The song told her that it was Israfel holding her. She could feel it.

“You look just like Isadora, love.” He said. Even when he spoke, it sounded like he was singing.


Oh dear...well looks like our not so legendary monster has managed to capture our poor main character here although that remark there at the start is suggesting that there's a little bit more to that than what initially meets the eye. I wonder what we're going to have in store for us from the rest of this. This being a part one is currently suggesting this won't just be a simple case of murder here.

Israfel brought Lorelei closer, so that they were only inches from each other.

“I wonder if I should release you…”

He was lovely to look at and his voice was the best she ever heard, but the bodies surrounding them and the claws on her waist reminded Lorelei that he wasn’t a boy. That he could tear her apart and leave her to drown.

That she was under a spell.

“Young lady fair, I free you from love’s grip and back into the light of life.”

Just like that, Lorelei could think again. She could breathe again. She could be again.


Ooooh so it seems that comment did serve its purpose after all and its going to lead to Lorelai actually being released from that whole magical trance situation. Now of course the question is what exactly is going to happen next because I have a feeling we're about to witness some interesting decisions here.

She wanted to swim away, but at the same time, he was so…fascinating. He was real. He was magical.

“Israfel…Israfel!” A girl called out.

Israfel’s eyes seemed to have a hint of fright, before they extinguished into nothingness.

“Stay with me.” Israfel said, pulling her into the water.


Well...that sounds ever so slightly ominous there in the end. Oh dear. I thought we were going to see Lorelai perhaps doing the pursuing out of curiosity but it seems instead she's just getting invited there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a powerful piece I'd say in terms of just the backstory that we've managed to extract despite being such a small piece here and I'm loving that twist and the tiny bit of a cliffhanger towards. I do find myself wanting to know what happens next here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate





Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman