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Siren’s Desire-Part Five

by vampricone6783


*Part Five of my “Siren’s Desire” series. You can find the rest of the stories underneath my folder “Siren’s Desire”.  Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*



Lorelei screamed as the waves pushed her further and further. Her body flailed helplessly underneath the pressure. She couldn’t move against the current, couldn’t swim back to Israfel.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the ocean dropped her off at a deserted island, the sand scalding hot on her skin, the sky shining brightly blue.

Lorelei shivered in her nightgown, her green eyes looking hopelessly at the water beyond. Why did she follow Israfel’s call? Why didn’t she stay in bed? If she covered her ears, she would have never been in such a mess.

Focus, Lorelei. Take deep breaths. Worrying isn’t going to help you.

Lorelei closed her eyes and took deep breaths, letting her mind clear away, all negativity swim into darkness, and…

Something was coming up in her brain. Something that wasn’t hers.

A girl with frizzed blond hair, sprayed a billion times or more, at a beach, all alone. She wore a pink bikini and a pearl ankle bracelet on her right ankle. Her green eyes shone with enthusiasm, a wide smile spread across her face. Perhaps she was thrilled to be alone.

A voice sang out from the ocean. An unbelievably calm, lulling boy’s voice sang sweetly.

The girl’s smile faded, replaced with robotic obedience. She walked slowly into the water, following the singing voice.

The girl was getting closer and closer to a dark cave, where bodies of those lost floated lifelessly.

Her green eyes became filled with fear and tears. She didn’t know where she was. She didn’t know how she got there. She didn’t even remember ever leaving the shore.

A pale creature with long, silver hair that shone like the moon lunged at her from behind, sinking its teeth greedily into her neck, drinking her blood, her vitality.

It lifted itself from her neck after a while and brought her face to its mouth. With utter eagerness, it gorged on her face, flesh pieces dripping out of its deathly white lips and staining the water below.

When it was finished, it threw the girl’s body far away, as though she meant nothing at all.

Lorelei shocked herself out of her thoughts. Names were coming up, a story to what she saw was coming up.

The girl’s name was Brandy Winston. The monster was Israfel. He threw her into the ocean after eating her. Her body swam away.

She’s in this island!

Lorelei, filled with a new purpose, ran towards where she felt Brandy the most. To where she felt her pain, her terror.

I can sense her.

She kept running, not caring for how the sand felt at the bottom of her feet. She needed to find her. She had to find her.

There. She felt it. A blooming, burning fright at the bottom of her feet, hotter than the rest of the sand around her. So hot it felt as though the skin on her toes would melt off.

Lorelei crouched down, making sure not to sit on the sand, digging feverishly, desperately.

She has to be here. Let her be here. Let me find her.

Lorelei sighed in relief. Lying in the ground, with skin still hanging on her skeleton, her hair stringy and veiny, the pink colors faded on her bikini to a dull shade, was Brandy Winston.

Lorelei took Brandy in her arms and walked to the water. She couldn’t swim, but she would try.

For Brandy. For Israfel. For herself. For the world.

……………………………………………………

Lorelei pushed through the current, holding Brandy in one arm, swimming with the other.

It’d be a lot easier if Israfel helped me.

Just as she thought that, the waves took a stronger grip on her. She couldn’t move, only hold onto Brandy and hope for the best.

……………………………………………………

“Lorelei!” Israfel cried out happily. Lorelei blinked the water out of her eyes, so that she could see clearer.

Right in front of her was Israfel. Behind him was a forgotten island, where Eunice and Magdalena lay.

“I was so worried about you! I thought that you were badly injured, so I called for you and…and you’re here! You’re alive! You’re okay!”

His eyes became tinged with sorrow when he noticed Brandy.

“Oh. You found Brandy. That’s good. Here, give her to me.” Israfel said.

Lorelei gave Brandy to Israfel and watched as he gently placed her next to the other girls.

How funny that he was vicious to them in life and is kind to them in death.

Israfel turned to face Lorelei, the three girls lying indifferently behind him.

“Such a young thing, how pretty is she.” Israfel said, placing a claw on her cheek.

“How I haven’t eaten in so long, surely, a piece of flesh for me?”

Israfel opened his mouth to reveal the starving, sharpened demon teeth within. Lorelei didn’t flinch. He wouldn’t eat her. He wouldn’t. He would snap right back into reality, like he always did.

Right? Right?

She could feel his hot breath on her face, like that of a dog. Deep within him was a guttural, bestial pant of a being that wanted to eat.

A soft, childlike sound of a music box closed his mouth. His face shot up, dark green eyes filled with surprise.

Lorelei too turned to the sound of the song.


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Fri Mar 29, 2024 10:09 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



Howdy, I hope you're having a good day or night thus far!

Diving straight into this, you've gotten real good at describing some disturbing imagery, which works perfectly for the horror vibe you're angling for:

sinking its teeth greedily into her neck, drinking her blood, her vitality.

It lifted itself from her neck after a while and brought her face to its mouth. With utter eagerness, it gorged on her face, flesh pieces dripping out of its deathly white lips and staining the water below.


Words like "gorged" invoke a powerful feeling of disgust, which left me recoiling in my seat. Israfel is a frightening figure, and I'm impressed by how well you're able to convey that.

I am frustrated, however, by Lorelei's complete trust in him- especially since she is 'witnessing' the deaths of these girls (who are very much like her) firsthand. From what I've read, she doesn't have even a moment of sympathy for these kids who are in the exact same situation she's in. This makes it more difficult for the reader to root for her.

This story feels like it's meant to be an allegory for an abusive relationship. Lines from Lorelei like

Israfel opened his mouth to reveal the starving, sharpened demon teeth within. Lorelei didn’t flinch. He wouldn’t eat her. He wouldn’t. He would snap right back into reality, like he always did.


are reminiscent of someone trying to justify why they are with an awful person. She's fooled herself into thinking that she is the exception to his nonsense, even as she is aware of the people he's harmed before.

If this is the intended message, I think it's important you flesh Lorelei out some more, and give her a more justifiable reason to why she isn't more fearful of Israfel.

With all this said, I look forward to sailing off to the next chapter!




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Sat Mar 02, 2024 8:14 pm
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NadyaStatham wrote a review...



Salutations, curious mind!



Amaya is back here and ready to review 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨

All in all

This story has quite the shocking end, I must say. I actually thought he loved her, but in the end she was just another one of his victims. I feel bad for her because she actually cared for him like all the others before her and still she died. I should have seen it coming, but I wanted to give him a chance to redeem himself. But in the end, Lorelei also died.

I have to say the flashback of Brandy Winston was just amazing. It fits perfectly within the story and I love the fact that Lorlei actually thought she could save her. But nope.

The fact that Israfel is sorting his kills is eerie, but a clever detail.

I know the tale of Mermaids (women) luring Men, Sailors and ships into sinking and killing them off, but this time it’s different. Israfel lures young women aka girls into falling in love with him and then he kills them. I love the switch of roles to be honest.

You could work on:✒️

I love the ending and I get that she also gets killed by Israfel, but I think you could clarify it a little more.

Maybe add something like: “Israfel’s teeth pierced through her milky white skin and blood began to pour out."

Lorelei too turned to the sound of the song.


Nailed It!💐

The title of this novel is super fitting with the theme and concept. I love the fact that it kind of summarises the entire story in two words. Very creative thinking there! Israfel’s desire is more than just pretty lies and fake love, it’s the killing that he needs. You have an amazing concept!

Siren’s Desire


Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Amaya
– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉




vampricone6783 says...


There's a sixth part to this. It's in my folder titled "Siren's Desire".




"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites