Young Writers Society

Hi,

I'm very happy to leave you a review.

This story is a quick and easy-read, with short chapters that capture different moments of Hayley's day. While the plot is straightforward, it effectively conveys Hayley's personality and interests.

You also use very descriptive language to create a vivid picture for the readers, such as the flowers in the front of the house and the soft pink light that Hayley encounters. That's nice! I like it very much!

overall: this story is a good read for someone who enjoys simple and whimsical narratives. You successfully capture the feelings of a teenage girl and create a sense of wonder through Hayley's encounter with a fairy.

I really liked it!

- Rinisha

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a lovely little piece here. I was not expecting an answer that was quite this simple and whimsical, but I loved it. Its a good changeup from the kind of stories I normally run into from you and you really capture that vibe quite well.

Anyway let's get right to it,

What you’re about to read are slices of a sixteen year old girl’s life. This girl is called “Hayley Blackrose” and she believes in magic.

Not all magic.

These pieces of her life will explain how she has such a belief.

So read on if you’d like to know more.

The morning light glimmers into my room.

Another day of joy!

Woohoo! I’m excited!

I brush my hair in front of my vanity. I want to look nice!

The best thing about today is that it’s the start of summer vacation.

And I want to have all the summer fun that I can!

I just ate breakfast and now my parents left to go out. They want me to watch over Ryan, my younger thirteen year old brother.

I forgot to mention that we only have summer fun when we go on vacation. Other than that, it’s my parents going out and leaving me with Ryan.

I’m a little annoyed, but no matter. I’ll find something to do. I always do.

“Hey! Want to play a board game?” I ask Ryan. I honestly just want to get this over with.

He doesn’t pay attention to me. He’s too busy playing video games.

I’ll just leave then.

I walk outside the house, admiring the flowers that are growing. From roses to poppies to zinnias, so many flowers decorate the front of the house.

I wish the expanse of grass was just an entire field of flowers instead.

You can’t really get that in suburbia.

Just when I’m about to head inside, I see something.

A soft, pink light hovering in the flowers.

I stick my hand out to the light. The light transforms into a small woman with delicate wings.

It’s a fairy.

I have a fairy in my hand.

The fairy just grins at me, as if this were completely normal.

I let her go after awhile, watching her take flight and then disappear.

How wonderful…

Hello, and Happy Review Day!

Something about this short was very whimsical. I loved the description of the garden, and how Hayley wished it reached out all across the lawn. Even before the fairy was introduced, this story had a very magical feel to it! I also like how the latter, more fantastical half, was juxtaposed against its more run of the mill introduction.

A couple things to note, the frequency of chapter headings might jar a reader out of the story. A lot of the segments flow right into each other, and don't need to be divided into chunks.

This is a minor nitpick, but occasionally you'll break a paragraph when you really don't need to- for example, these lines-

The best thing about today is that it’s the start of summer vacation.

And I want to have all the summer fun that I can!

The Title - "Hayley and magic"
I may be reading in too deep about this, but maybe the capitalization of the "H" in Hayley signifies the self-value/self-worth as well as belief in oneself this person has in themselves while the lowercase "m" in magic represents the uncertain belief but it's still there. Perhaps this Hayley person believes in this "magic" but it's an unchartered territory that she needs to explore more. The lowercase of the "m" in magic may symbolize a whisper as if she is saying "I believe in...magic" as if the word is something to be careful about saying since it's so fragile in some way or another. Whereas, the capitalization of the "H" in Hayley may symbolize the authenticity and realness of who/what she is. She is a real human being while seeing magic may be just a myth.

Interpretations/Commentaries:
Introduction - I like the brief explanation and the succinctness of it since it directly informs you of what you'll be reading as well as it draws you in without so many words being said. Also, I like how you used the word "slice." It satisfies my brain somehow.
Chapter One - According to Google, glimmers means "shine faintly with a wavering light" and similarly "a faint or wavering light." If we replace the word itself with the definition I know it makes sense together, but maybe use a synonym of that word because - to me, of course - it doesn't sound quite right when I read it out loud to myself, nor does it click within my head, despite knowing that it should make sense. I think simplicity will get your point across enough. And what sixteen year old implements the word "glimmers" into their everyday life? Certainly, this character, Hayley, if you created her like that. But normally, sixteen-year-olds wouldn't wake up and happily say "The morning light glimmers into my room." I think it's over-romanticizing "the morning light." There are other beautiful describing words that you might use but that have the same effect as "glimmers." It just sounds too overdone. But other than that one nitpick, overall, it's pretty solid and there's nothing much to say.
Chapter Two - I think the period at the end of "And I want to have all the summer fun that I can" has a dull effect and gives mixed signals to the reader. I think this statement should sound or at least look excited with anticipation and uplifting spirit, so putting an exclamation point would make sense because this character is emphasizing how much hope and excitement she has for her summer to be fun. With the period at the end, it just sounds sort of deadpanned and not at all sincere. If I read this out loud, it wouldn't sound like the intention of what the statement is conveying. Other than that, overall, it's easily understandable and digestible.
Chapter Three - Maybe it's just me and my barely any brain cells, but I'm a bit confused about the following of what Hayley says: "I forgot to mention that we only have summer fun when we go on vacation. Other than that, it’s my parents going out and leaving me with Ryan. Great parenting, am I right?" It's the second sentence within this excerpt that confuses me the most. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with it and it makes sense to others, but maybe reword it to make a little bit more sense.
Chapter Four - Maybe it would make better sense to drop the because, put a period after "I ask Ryan," and make " I honestly just want to get this over with" its own sentence.
Chapter Five - I've never heard a teenager in my life say "the expanse of grass," but I digress if you have and it makes sense to put that wording in alongside the simplistic wording of the other chapters with easily digestible/understandable vocabulary. Maybe she's just dropping her "higher level" skills of vocabulary she knows as a teenager because she reads a lot or something like that. Or I'm just reading too much into it and just myself cannot comprehend or wrap my head around the wording of it. Anyway, I like the overall description and the attention-grabbing turn of events. It's sort of like a checkpoint to see if you're actually paying attention to the reading.
Chapter Six - Whoa now. That's a rapid assumption of what this creature is. Just from the description of "a small woman with delicate wings."
Chapter Seven - Intriguing and enthralling ending to that short story.

Review:
I really liked reading this short story. Usually, I'm not a major fan of fantasy and supernatural stories in general, but I enjoyed reading this one. It was exactly as you described it in the introduction - slices of a sixteen-year-old's life. It was sweet to read. Although there were some questionable word choices that I understood and probably made sense but didn't to me, it was a pleasant short story. Nice writing and captivating content.

- LiL, aka HalfheartedAmateur