• Home

Young Writers Society

12+ Violence Mature Content

Chloe’s story-The adventures of Poppy McLain

by vampricone6783

*The origin of a character from my “Poppy McLain” stories (It changes to “Poppy Verosisca” after Poppy gets married later on). Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*

In the 1800s, there was a village called Cord Arboretum, named after how the plants grew like a cord reaching for anyone to touch.

A young, sixteen year old girl named Chloe Thayer was the Queen of it all, keeping the village fresh and beautiful.

But she was trapped in her own self, hiding a secret deep within her.


At the moment, Chloe was lying in bed, waiting for the arrival of Derek. She was bored, staring at the astronomy tapestry on her ceiling. He was the only one who knew, besides her servant, Agnes.

Chloe was a witch.

Well, she wasn’t always a witch. But she heard that Agnes was a witch from the villagers. With not a single moment of amusement to fill her days, Chloe snuck into the servant’s quarters and read Agnes’ witch books.

Derek was a close childhood friend of Chloe’s. He was a noble, they saw each other regularly at social gatherings. He was trusted with her secret.

Agnes knew as well, but she didn’t care to tell anyone, which irked Chloe. Becoming a witch was momentous, exhilarating, different, yet Agnes didn’t care.

A knock came on the window.

Chloe sat up from her bed.

Derek waved at her from the window. Her room wasn’t that high, he could easily climb on the stone walls.

Finally, finally he had arrived! A friend! Someone who appreciated her, unlike Agnes.

“Derek! You’re here!” Chloe exclaimed, heart fluttering with innocence.

He couldn’t hear her, but he would once she opened the door.


“So why did you write to me?” Derek asked.

Chloe had sent him a letter three days earlier, requesting that he take a walk with her in the woods.

She thought of his kindness, how he still cared for her even though she was a witch.

Everyone in Cord Arboretum thought that witchcraft was evil, but it could be used for good. Just like humanity, witchcraft had a middle ground.

He didn’t fear the unknown. He still saw Chloe for herself.

Perhaps she was more than a friend to him. Chloe wouldn’t mind. He was the light of her life, the dawn to her dusk.

“I need to ask you something.” Chloe said.

“Yes? What is it?”

Chloe took a deep breath. His brown eyes were full of patience.

“Do you want to be with me? Do you want to be together?”

Derek pursued his lips, but there was no turning back. All unsaid feelings came crawling out of her.

“I love you, Derek. I always have. It’s been the two of us for all these years. You and I, we complete each other. I’m certain of it.”

“Do you want to be with me?” Chloe repeated, looking him directly in his hands.

Derek rubbed the back of his neck and sighed.

“Chloe…you’re my friend. A sister to me. I apologize that I am unable to share your affections, but tis’ the truth.”

No? He didn’t love her?

But then, who would? If her family knew, they would banish her away. If another boy knew, he would have her executed.

She…she had to spend the rest of her life with him. He was the only one for her, the only one…he would find someone else…someone who wasn’t like her. Was he afraid of her? Was he lying to her? Did she only have…Agnes?

The thought of the servant being the only one left with her secret sickened Chloe to her core. No, Derek had to stay.

If she couldn’t be with him, then why let him run off to find another?

“Chloe? Are you alright?”

Chloe looked at him with deep, sunken eyes. She felt the power of the deceased channeling in her veins, all things cold and grim.

She pictured him pale and lifeless, all manner of sweet things seeping out of him.

Derek’s brown eyes went white with froth, poison froth that was supposed to come from the mouth, but spilled from the eyes. He tried to speak, but his words were convoluted and contorted.

Who was he to leave her behind?

His body twitched unearthly, a high, lost laugh escaped from Chloe’s lips.

Just a friend? He’d leave her in the end.

He was twitching on the ground, reaching towards the sky, grasping for light.

“W…why?” He croaked.

Tears seeped from Chloe’s eyes. Why? Why?

“Because I’m a monster and you’re my humanity. I need you.”

He didn’t move. He simply lay, staring up at the sky with no meaning in his blank white eyes.

What…what had she done? She…she killed him! Her only friend! She wasn’t a monster, she just needed help. 

She needed Agnes.


Chloe placed Derek on her bed. She carried him back to her castle and wanted him to lie somewhere soft, somewhere peaceful.

She read something in one of Agnes’ books. A spell that could bring the dead back to life. It was called “Vampirism”. The said person would come back to life as a vampire and suck the blood of the living, but what difference did it make?

She was a witch, she still had a heart. Which meant that Derek would be just the same, right?

There was a potion for vampirism, something that Chloe was certain Agnes had. Why wouldn’t she have it? She was a witch, she had everything.

Chloe pushed back any uncertainties, walking with regality.

No one would suspect a thing.


After much walking, Chloe wasn’t hiding her urgency anymore. She was downstairs, headed to the servant’s quarters.

She pushed open the servant’s door. As expected, Agnes was reciting spells from her spell book, surrounded by herbs, hidden by the curtains in the room.

"AGNES, GIVE ME THE POTION FOR VAMPIRISM! NOW!" Chloe screamed, stomping her foot on the ground. She didn’t want to be childish, but she couldn’t stop it.

She felt as helpless as a little girl.

Agnes appeared from the curtains, holding the spell book, a smirk on her face.

Chloe was seething with fire on the inside, at the sight of Agnes’ smirk. Who was she to make such a facial expression? Chloe was her authority, she was demanding for her help.

"And why would I help you? Your royal status doesn't change anything. I can just send you outside, or better yet-" Agnes stopped to smirk at her.

The absolute audacity.

"Hex you."

Agnes was threatening her? Didn’t she know that Chloe was a witch?

Well, Chloe wasn’t as experienced as Agnes. She only knew a few spells. She didn’t want to kill Derek, but her tinged sadness had taken over.

Chloe could tell Agnes what happened and then she would help. They would never speak of it again, just live as they always did, secrets tucked away in a corner to collect dust over time.

But…what right did Agnes have to know how she felt? What did Agnes know about love? She spent her time rotting away, cleaning and tending to the castle.

Chloe grinned. What was she getting so uptight about? She always had the power.

Agnes may have been the witch, but Chloe was the Queen.

“Because if you don’t, I’ll have royal guards kill your entire family.” Chloe said calmly.

Agnes’ eyes went wide, her face paled. Chloe wasn’t joking, either. She would have Agnes’ entire family be killed in the blink of an eye. Her parents, her little sister, all of the rats. Somehow, Chloe sensed that Agnes knew what she did. That she killed Derek.

That she would do anything to bring him back.

"Okay fine, I'll help you." Agnes mumbled, not looking at her.

It was Chloe’s turn to smirk as Agnes rummaged through the shelf of potions.

All was right with the world. The weak submitted to the strong.


Chloe opened the bottle and dipped the potion into Derek’s mouth. She carried it carefully upstairs, sure not to accidentally show passerby.

Derek’s eyes fluttered open, white snake pupils.

His gaze shifted to Chloe’s. He didn’t recognize her, that much she could see. The only thing she saw in him was animalistic hunger, demonic desire.

He grabbed her close and bit into her neck, drinking blood, her vitality, her being.

Oh, how it thrilled her! Derek loved her! He wanted her! He needed her, just as she needed him.

Derek let go. He looked at her with repulsive fright.

He recognized her.

“What…happened to me? What am I?”

“You’re a vampire now.”

“A…a vampire?”

“Yes, but don’t be scared. We’re both creatures of the night. I a witch, you a vampir. We can live in the shadows together. It’s alright.”

Chloe reached out to Derek’s face, but he pulled away.

“I…I need to go!”  He cried, tears in his eyes.

“What…what do you mean? What are you saying?”

Derek opened the window and looked at Chloe with such sorrow that it made her want to scream.

He was alive! She saved him! There was no reason to be discontent, they were rich and immortal. They ruled the world!

“I’m saying goodbye.”

With that, he jumped out the window, leaving Chloe with a broken, strangled heart.

Is this a review?



User avatar
558 Reviews

Points: 33785
Reviews: 558

Mon Sep 18, 2023 2:26 pm
View Likes
Ventomology wrote a review...

Hey there! Great to see more of your work in this universe. I love how expansive you've made this setting and its characters.

Now then, let's get into this.

I really think you have the ability to tell this story as one sequence of events--no breaks, no skips, not even an intro. The sequence of actions is clear, and they are spaced out so that they could take place in a single night. This really can and should be one long scene.

Why do I think it should be one scene? Well, I think that if you reorganize this to get rid of all the page breaks, you will force yourself to really understand how to transition from one piece of action to the next. These transitions may take the form of setting descriptions and changes, or just a quick sentence related to the time. I also think it will really help you develop the way you write action and help you learn how to pace the events of the story.

Next item: I've noticed a few times when you're starting a segment of this piece, you have this tendency to... go backwards. It's in the paragraph where Chloe carries Derek to her bed and the one where she feeds him the vampirism potion. It's a little disorienting when you do this, and I think it hurts the clarity of your writing. I can't think of a good reason for why you would go backward on purpose either. You're not doing a full trip into backstory after all. In fact, by switching the sentences in these two paragraphs I mentioned, you could also solve the problem of transitions.

Last thing: I love the personality and voice in Chloe's perspective. Her feelings really do come through, and you did an excellent job showing how her actions have consequences. Great work!

Hope this helps,

User avatar
172 Reviews

Points: 34172
Reviews: 172

Mon Sep 11, 2023 10:04 pm
View Likes
Roxanne wrote a review...

Aloha Storyteller!

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm diving headfirst into some new reading material, ready for an adventure. I whip out my trusty binoculars, and what do I see? A super intriguing story called "Chloe's story" that definitely deserves a solid review. So, no more waiting around, let's jump right in!


This story is all about Chloe, this 16-year-old girl who is the Queen in the village called Cord Arboretum back in the 1800s. The place is named after plants that "grew like a cord reaching for anyone to touch".

The vibe of this old-timey village is on point. You can totally picture it, and it's got this magical feel to it. The whole setup with Chloe being the boss lady is interesting, and it keeps you hooked from the get-go.

Chloe, our main character, is pretty well done. You can feel her struggle with her secret witchiness and how she's all smitten by Derek. Her feelings come through, and I'm like, "Whoa, what's gonna happen next?"

It's all about love, friendship, and consequences. Chloe's love for Derek and her choices really drive the story. The reason of her actions and the consequences of her actions. You're thinking about what you would do if you were in her shoes.

The story's pacing feels off in places. Like, some parts are slow, and then suddenly, things go from 0 to 100 real quick. It would be better if it flowed more smoothly.

The ending is like a rollercoaster that takes you up super high and then drops you with no warning. It's intense, but it left me with so many questions. A little more resolution would be sweet.

In conclusion, your story has got some pretty cool elements, like the magical setting and Chloe's internal struggles. It's a story that'll make you think about love and tough choices. But it could use some work on pacing, dialogue, and giving readers a more satisfying ending. Overall, it's a story with potential, and with a little polish, it could be even more amazing.

That's it, that's all.
I hope the review was helpful.
But also a thank you from me, 'cause it feels so good to write casually again :D


English is just three languages in a trenchcoat.
— KateHardy