Grandma's cookies. The most comforting cliché there is.
Cookies and milk and pancakes and bacon and ice cream, too. Sundays filled most five-year-old boys with fear and dread, the thought of "church today and school tomorrow" bringing unparalleled dread to every child's mind. Sundays for me brought love and comfort and warm hugs, warm food; Sundays meant I was going to grandma's house.
"Grandma! G-graaaaaandmaaaa!!!!" I shouted, rushing into the living room, leaping onto her recliner to wrap my arms around her.
"Oh, Toby!" she said with a slight giggle as I nearly knocked the gray wig off her head. "You're here early, aren't you? Phew, I haven't even got dressed for church yet!"
"You know, he kept asking me over and over again!" my mom said. "When are we going to grandma's house? When are we going to grandma's house? I just finally said, okay! Let's go into that rusty old heep-jeep we call a car!"
"Aw, the boy just loves his grandmother!" grandma said, rubbing her wrinkled fist through my messy red hair. "Go on in the kitchen! I made some, some blueberry pancakes. No they're not, they're apple. Yeah they are, they're blueberry. Go get um!"
"Yay, blueberry pancakes! Aaaalll mineeee!!!" I yelled.
"Walter still sick?" grandma asked my mom as I listened from the kitchen, grabbing a paper plate already filled with bloated blueberry pancakes, two strips of bacon and a single piece of lightly buttered, golden brown toast.
"Yeah. It's just a flu bug," mom said. "You should worry about yourself. You know what the doctor said."
"Oh, shush now!" grandma said, her old recliner squeaking loud as she slowly started to climb out of it. "You know there ain't nothing wrong with me."
"Have you been taking your heart medicine?"
"Let me worry about my own medicine. And why did you not help Toby with his food? Gosh, he's probably in there making a big ol' mess of everything!"
***
Is there anyone in the world who doesn't love Saturday? For my dad, Saturday was a day off, a day beating his boss at the golf course. For most kids, it means hanging out with friends, playing basketball or football. For me, Saturdays were yard sales with my parents - and my grandma. The very next weekend, my dad drove us halfway across the county in our worn down minivan, but we didn't stop at a single home.
"Well, there was a sign just back there," dad said in his still scratchy voice, staring at a small white house with an old, yellowing paint job. "Maybe we should go in and ask. They might be selling stuff inside."
"Oh, go right ahead!" mom said. "You know that sign was probably weeks old!"
"Well, wouldn't hurt," dad defiantly responded, walking straight out of the car, slamming the door behind him.
"That klutz is gonna make me a widow one of these days, knocking on random doors like he has no common sense," mom said, following him out of the car. "Wait for me!"
Grandma sighed, stretching her arms back behind her head. "You know what?" she asked with a loud yawn. "I've been thinking about your grandpa a lot, lately. He was my first kiss. You know how old I was? Twenty-eight. Heh, yep. Bothers me to think they all start to love so young, these days. But I ain't ever gonna tell nobody that. I don't wanna tell anyone else how to live their lives. But I guess your mother don't see it that way. I love her to death, I swear, I love her so much. Heh, the reason it took me so long to get a man is just 'cause I'm so shy. Can't ever tell anyone how I really feel. Maybe I'll get her something nice for Christmas, this year. Been saving the check I get from the state - she's always wanted a new car, hasn't she?"
***
Sunday morning once again - as soon as I woke up, I could already taste grandma's pancakes in my mouth, I could already picture her bringing me the syrup the way she always did, with that huge smile on her face. I just couldn't wait at all.
"Grandma! G-graaaaaandmaaaa!!!!" I shouted, rushing into the living room, leaping onto her recliner to wrap my arms around her.
She was cold.
"Grandma? Are you asleep?" I asked, placing my two little fingers under her eyes to stretch them open, and as soon as I did she just stared at me, those wide blue eyes never moved an inch.
"Ok, champ," dad said, scooping me off the chair and firmly into his arms. "Let's go sit in the car for a while. Let grandma sleep for a bit."
"W-wait! W-what are you doing!?" I yelled, kicking and screaming but he wouldn't listen.
Dad opened the car door and placed me on the backseat. "Shh!" he exclaimed, putting his fingers to his lips. "You have to be quiet. Grandma is trying to sleep, ok?"
"W-why can't I see her?"
"Look champ. Grandma is going away for a while. You might see her again some day if you be good, but not for a while. Just try to be good. For her."
My mind went blank after that. The last thing I remember is the sound of an ambulance siren as it rushed into the driveway.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hello! DarkWarrior here.
The overall grammar and spellings is very good. The way you interact with the readers is also good, but I would recommend that you work towards polishing it a bit more. The depiction of the part
A good ting to do is to read as many books as you can to get an idea about which narrative works in your favor and which doesn't.
I understand that the narrator in question is a young boy, but adding a bit of a maturity (just a hint of it. Don't go and make him batman or something)
Overall, a good effort.
Keep it up.
Thanks friend
Hiya, tiger eye ~ I'll just jump right into the review.
First off, while this is really quick to hit the point home, it feels too short and rushed. You give us a good sense of how this boy, Toby, enjoys spending time with his grandmother (even if it's only for the food :3) but the sudden ending to the grandmother feels like it comes too quick. We don't really get to know her quite as well or feel anything for her when she's gone. The story just flies right on by.
I recommend you expand this a bit, so that we can see more of the kind hearted grandmother spoiling her grandkid. Show us more of how sweet she is and really strengthen this relationship in our eyes so when the grandmother is cut off, there's some actually feelings evoked.
Another point of mine is that this was very dialogue heavy. Now, I totally understand that this is first person and the narrator is a five year old, but it still feels very lacking in the narration. Things like descriptions and details and all that stuff. Perhaps this story would serve better as a third person narrative or third-person omniscient, so you can expand more, foreshadow more but still show the child-like innocent charm. Play around with that, if you like ~ But either way, find a way to better balance the dialogue and actions and such.
Final thing, there were a few spots that I was a little confused on what just happened. For instance when the grandmother started talking about grandpa, it felt extraneous to me. I didn't know why she was talking about this to a five year old and it was very random that it just didn't feel like it fit. Another point was in the end when his father started to try and usher him out, which was strange, because the father kept changing the story and I didn't get why Toby started freaking out? This should probably be more consistent and clear.
Sorry if this was too scattered. Please feel free to ask for clarification! The idea was interesting and I think you can do a lot with it with a little more work ~
Happy writing,
~Wolfe
thanks friend, sorry you weren't too fond of it.