Heyo tigeraye, Flite here for a review. You said I have a neat voice in my story and I would return the compliment to you, I quite like the tone here. It's simple and because of that it's also powerful. You've already a lot of reviews so I apologize if I rehash anything. You mentioned that the purpose of this story is to treat people kinder, however if I had not read your comments I would have just thought this was the story of someone who regretted not seeing the deeper side of someone and the guilt of having told them to kill themselves.
Your reviewers have mentioned that they have trouble relating to the characters, let me tell you why. Your main character has a pretty distinctive voice (with the accent and all, even though in some places the accent felt forced), the short story depicts a narration of your protagonist and Amy's relationship. The thing is there are inconsistencies with the narration of their relationship, at first they seemed like acquaintances if not good friends from the way they interacted with each other. They're both chilling out, swapping witty remarks. Then later on, as one reviewer mentioned you suddenly switch to Amy dying and the MC feeling sad. Ambiguity is not bad, the readers don't need to know everything but what you have here isn't ambiguity. What you have here is a flaw in the character development and bad transition. So he tosses her onto the couch and run out, and then later she hates him for tossing her onto the couch? What? I would understand if he harassed her or embarrassed her, but tossing her onto a couch? Doesn't seem that big a deal to me.
I told her to kill herself. I told her the world would be a better place. Her mother said it wouldn't. I said it would.
I'm sure that if their relationship is so rough, it won't be the first time your MC has told her to go kill herself; whether in jest or seriously. So why should she take it seriously now? And does your MC feel no guilt that he's gone and told someone to die and they actually did. I wish you would expand on the plethora of feelings that must overwhelmed him when he heard the news.
Even walking in the stormy rain, she had a fire about her. And even now, the smoke is still in my eyes. I miss you, Amy.
'I miss you, Amy'. Put on a separate line would double the impact. But let's go back to your ending, Amy's dead how does walking the the rain bring back Amy's inner fire? Since when did your MC appreciate Amy's inner fire, certainly not even she died. After she died, it just suddenly popped up with no further evidence of that statement. Of course, it's a metaphor but even metaphors have their roots somewhere. If you're going to talk about her fire then mention her fire earlier on.
I hope I wasn't too harsh, I like the idea but I think you need to develop this further. If you have any concerns, please feel free to PM me.
-Flite
Points: 561
Reviews: 476
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