z

Young Writers Society


Violence

Black and Gray

by tigeraye


A.N.: This is something that I wrote a while back and then forgot about. I've decided to polish it a bit and upload it here. Thanks for reading.

My name is Edward Sotterley, I’m fifty-two years old and I have absolutely no one left. Not a friend in the world; no acquaintances, no brothers, no sisters and I can’t even afford a song to drown out the sad, angry thoughts that scream through my head. They’re the only thing that fill my head, they’re the thoughts that have ringed through my head for years and years. My ex-wife Marissa screwed me and tonight, I’m going to destroy her.

She took everything from me. Paid a man to rough her up and blame it on me. She took me to court, and I lost everything. My own family hates me and my old friends want nothing to do with the sorry excuse of a man who supposedly beat on his wife of ten years! She got me fired, and even if I manage to ever find another job, whatever money I make is going to her. My life was amazing and she ruined it. Now it’s time to ruin her. Now it’s time to end her.

“Don’t you think this is kind of ridiculous?” Bobby asks, not knowing just how ridiculous he sounds.

“Of course not,” I assure my last friend in the whole entire world. “Why would you say something that stupid?”

Bobby shrugs. “I don’t know. I just think you’re overreacting.”

“Overreacting? Let me tell you something. There are three people who I really, truly care about walking this world. One of them hates my guts. That leaves you and me. Now, are you going to help me, or what?”

“You know what, this is insane,” Bobby remarked, shaking his head. “I’m done, I’m done. I’m out of here.”

“Bobby!” I yell, beginning to walk over as I cursed under my breath. “Bobby!”

It’s no good. I can’t do anything but helplessly watch as he got in his SUV and drives off into the unforeseeable distance. I’m on my own for this. I pop two quarters into the nearby payphone and dial Marissa’s number.

“Hello? …W-who…who is this?”

“It’s me, Eddie. Marissa, I need to talk with you.”

“No! No, Eddie. I’m not talking to you. Not tonight. Goodbye.”

She hung up on me. I swore to God, tonight her blood would soak my hands and I’d be able to watch as they buried her six feet under the dirt; that no good, rotten piece of-I digress. I pull out two more quarters from my trench coat and put them in the machine. She didn’t answer. I have to be more direct in my approach.

Ever the genius, I walk into a nearby sandwich shop and head up to the counter. “I need to use your phone,” I tell the cashier.

“Oh…but there’s a payphone right out there,” she informs me.

I shake my head. “Ate my quarters. Come on, it’s important. I need to speak with my wife.”

The woman sighs and motions over. I step behind the counter and pick up the phone receiver, dialing Marissa once again.

“Hello? Who is this?” she asks.

“Someone has put a hit on Melissa,” I tell her. “I need to come into your house and speak with you.”

“W-what? How…how would you know that?”

“Let’s just say that I’ve gotten myself involved in a line of work that I’m not all too proud of. I’ll need to come to your home, right now.”

“…Right away. …But you have to promise, you won’t hurt me. Not again.”

I’m such a genius. I know that the only thing she cares about more than making me miserable is Melissa! "Line of work I'm not all too proud of?" How stupid can this woman be to fall for that?

“I promise,” I say. I promise, alright! I promise that tonight, you’re going to die!

***

I drove so fast to my own home, that I’m honestly surprised I wasn’t arrested for speeding. I swiftly pull up into the driveway, grip my palm around my favorite knife and head to the door, knocking three times. “It’s Eddie! Come on, hurry up!” I yell. Please, answer. God, please answer me – I swear I can wait no longer!

Finally, thankfully, the door is opening! Me and her, all alone. I’m almost salivating over what I’m about to do. “Eddie, come on in,” Marissa says, in a strangely calm voice. No, strangely doesn’t begin to start it! I told her there was a hit out on her daughter! Why would she be this calm? No! I’m being paranoid! It’s nothing! I’m going to do it! I’m going to kill her!

I hurry in through the door as she shuts it behind me. “Finally, all alone with you. Did you really think you could get away with ruining my life? Come on, it’s time for a whole night of fun!” I say, waving my long, sharp, fantastic kitchen knife in the air.

W-wait, what is that? I hear footsteps! I hear footsteps, but I’m supposed to be alone with her!

I see her now. It’s an attractive blonde teenager who I knew all too well.

It’s Melissa! My daughter! She was here the whole time! Marissa knew all along! I’ve been set up!

I hear something else. The door is opening. I turn around. Someone is there! The man Marissa paid off! He’s here! He’s here and he’s got something in his hand! …N-no, no, please! Don’t shoot

===

Edits:

None so far


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Tue Oct 20, 2015 12:42 pm
TahaT11n wrote a review...



Hey,tiger!

First of all, the title was great. But I thought that the description in the story wasn't so great as the title. Since the story is about a man whose life was ruined by his wife, I would like to have more of his loneliness, anger, hatred, madness...his full-crazy mind which is telling him to kill his wife, how much he wants revenge..etc. I didn't dislike the idea of writing it in 1st person. But I think you need to write more about your emotions if it's in 1st person.

I would have liked a little bit of struggle at the end. I mean, he already had a knife in his hand and he could have used it to attack his wife before the fire was shot.

I would like the lines to be more "psycho" type. Yeah, I want the man to be turned psycho..completely. But, since it's your character, you are the one to control it.

I did like the beginning. But as I read more, I felt the plot was moving a little bit fast. I would like to see more obstacles on his to kill his wife.

That's all I would say.




tigeraye says...


thanks for the criticism, it's appreciated. Sorry you didn't enjoy it too much.



TahaT11n says...


I wouldn't say I didn't enjoy it...I did. But the tastier the food, the more appreciation the cook gets!



tigeraye says...


heheh. You don't have to sugarcoat it for me, I appreciate honesty :p I honestly don't like it very much myself.



TahaT11n says...


I am being honest. Honestly, the base of the plot is great. But, honestly, it needs more furnishings



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Tue Oct 20, 2015 2:24 am
mkphoenix wrote a review...



Hello, tigeraye!

So right off the bat I noticed that it's slightly bland. Instead of simply saying everything that's happened to him or what he's thinking, maybe try to just more descriptive sentences that makes the readers think about the message you are trying to get across.

And maybe you might want to consider, just a suggestion, writing in third person? I think it would work incredibly well with this plot, with his background and all. Just a suggestion, though.

Very good concept, I liked it. I think it could've been drug out a little more, but it's alright.

Good Job, Keep Writing,
MK




tigeraye says...


thanks for reviewing. Sorry you didn't like it.



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Tue Sep 08, 2015 1:58 am
ITSLEWIS wrote a review...



I think your story was good. But i found that first person was rather weak. I think if you rewrote it in third person it would be more powerful.
I'm impressed with the some-what gothic quality of this text.
You did a really good job at creating suspense.
Thankyou for this piece of writing, i enjoyed reading it.




tigeraye says...


thanks for the review.



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Mon Sep 07, 2015 4:42 pm
RagingLive wrote a review...



Hello once again, tigeraye!! I promise that I am not stalking you, I just keep happening upon your stories by chance! (If that's any consolation to you, hee-hee)

As others have said, this isn't a completely unique story line, but I think that you handled it well and added your own touches to it. Great job, but because it's good, I have a few little nitpicks.

Now, are you going to help me, or what?”

Maybe we should change this to:
"'Now, are you going to help me or not?'"
I say this because of what is included in the dialogue of the next sentence.

“You know what, this is insane,”

This was kind of an odd phrase and I felt as though there should have been a question mark here.
"'You know what? This is insane,'"

“I’m done, I’m done. I’m out of here.”

Here I felt as though the repetition was a little confusing. Either strike one and join to the other sentence using a comma, or do something like this:
"'I'm done. I am done and I am out of here.'"
This makes Bobby's answer seem a bit more realistic.

I yell, beginning to walk over as I cursed under my breath.

You changed tenses here from present to past - 'yell' and 'cursed.' I saw this fluctuation several times throughout your short and I would suggest you go back and revise for this as it made your story very confusing.

“Hello? …W-who…who is this?”

Tsk, tsk. I'm starting to believe that ellipses have a mind of their own! Ellipses shouldn't be used after a different punctuation mark so I suggest you remove the set that is right before Marissa's stuttered 'who.'
If you want to make it sound as though she hesitated, just say so:
"'Hello?" The voice hesitated a moment as my harsh, ragged breaths echoed over the phone line. "W-who . . . who is this?"
Don't forget that spaces play a big role in your ellipse sequence! :)

“Hello? Who is this?”

Redundancy once again. Since she already answered the phone like this once, I was wondering if maybe you could put a more personal touch on it:
"'Hello," her voice sounded strange and distracted. "Marissa speaking."

Finally, thankfully, the door is opening!

I would replace the commas with hyphens to make the sentence run a bit more smoothly and to get his emotional high across.

I see her now. It’s an attractive blonde teenager who I knew all too well.

This is another example of where you changed tenses but I think that here it might have been unintentionally intentional. Maybe you meant to say something like:
"It's an attractive blonde teenager who I used to know all too well."

The only other point I have is that Marissa and Melissa are easy to confuse as their names sound a lot alike. This isn't a gigantic problem, but you might want to think about how you could resolve that.
I found this short very captivating and I hope that you keep writing!

So, as always, keep writing and keep on smiling! :D
~RagingLive




tigeraye says...


heh, don't worry about it, I enjoy reading your reviews x_x I'll make the changes some time. Thanks a bunch.



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Sun Sep 06, 2015 10:15 pm
Snoops wrote a review...



Hey Tiger!

Well, I kind of love this. I love the fact of how angry he was. We don't get enough characters who want to kill. Suggestion:

-He could think up ways to kill her while riding the car.

It's just a suggestion ofcourse. Just thought it might be necessary. Also, some parts, like Bobbie are quite boring and unrelevant. I don't know. It's all up to you, of couse.

(I will also admit I really wanted to see what would happen if it was only her and him. But that's our secret.) I mean killing is bad!

-Lau.




tigeraye says...


hm, I'd be curious to know what other parts you found boring, but if not, its cool. Thanks for the review.



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Sat Sep 05, 2015 10:57 pm
ChiravianSkies wrote a review...



Heylo! I'm the chirave canicthus here to review your work!

I really like this. Really. I want to point out how awesome it is that you decided to go first-person on this. Most of the time, First Person makes me feel kinda detached from the main character if that makes any sense. This onereally is an exception, with me kinda being able to see why your character would do this. This also raises the question: Did he actually beat on her? Was it some ploy that his ex-wife was cheating on him and needed him out? It adds a special element of mystery to the story that I really like.

Another thing, I kinda feel that Bobby dropping out on Eddie was just something to raise the stakes, but I didn't really feel any emotion with it. It seemed to happen to quickly, like it was just a recollection of the important parts. That'd probably actually work, with Eddie thinking that he'd gone too far. He'd lost his only friend trying to get her... and then that conversation could probably work as a flashback. Actually, anyone who would stay friends with Eddie for that long probably have to have some kind of problem with them...

The beginning is a really large block of exposition, really. That doesn't mean it isn't fairly well executed, but maybe in the conversation where Bobby leaves, he could probably get mad enough to use the Full Name to show how mad he is. It'd show more than tell, and it would be a good way to up the emotion of the piece. There is plenty of opportunity to have the information spread out the piece, and to have a first paragraph that would suck us in more. Maybe you can give us a bit more information on the setting, as I keep thinking this takes place in genericsuburbs.psd

So, yeah. Really, those are my only complaints. The ending was absolutely fabulous. I like how you added the "Don't shoot!" part in there, instead of making it dialogue. It was one last thing to see in his head before he got killed. Overall, this piece was mysterious and cool with good characterization and pacing. It's really great.
Keep Writing!
*Chiravian flies away*

PS: I love the Edits thing you added there at the end. Great little idea. :)




tigeraye says...


hi, thanks for reviewing. Yeah, I usually do first person, in fact out of everything I've posted here only one story isn't. The question of who was lying and who was telling the truth is up to interpretation, mostly. All I can say is when Edward goes into a panic, he keeps his story of who the man is. It'd take a pretty good liar to keep up a ruse when the mind enters fight-or-flight like that. I kinda do feel like more could have been done with Bobby, more-so on who he is and why he'd be friends with Edward for so long.



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Sat Sep 05, 2015 10:44 pm
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey, tigeraye!

O.O this was quite a creepy yet intriguing story.

#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> This story and it's plot aren't the most unique in the world, but I loved everything about it anyways! It kept me on the edge of seat! It was a very interesting story and one that could easily give me nightmares if read late at night. And that ending!!!~I totally wasn't expecting it!!


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> Our MC is good, not overly fleshed out, but I can still feel for him. Our other characters are good as well and I connected to them. :)


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> N/A


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 ">
I that tonight, you’re going to die!

I think you forgot the word "promise" in this sentence.


Overall, I like the story and I think it was pretty good!

~Myth




tigeraye says...


heh, I think I took out "promise" to change something then forgot about. Thanks for the heads up and review



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Sat Sep 05, 2015 10:43 pm
anniegirl123 wrote a review...



Wow, even in the beginning Eddie was so angry and he had a right to be, though he did seem like a somewhat violent person, and I have to agree with Bobby even if what Marissa did was terrible. But then he lost his last friend because he was overreacting, dang...

Throughout the thing he did seem a bit crazy, so if that's what you were going for then good job on characterizing him. And the ending felt so intense, I was almost speed reading to see what would happen next! Over all I thought it was a pretty god story, and I didn't find any grammar or spelling mistakes. :)




tigeraye says...


Thanks for the review. I was trying to make a protagonist that you actually want to see taken down in the end, even if his wife did wrong him, he way overreacted because like you said, crazy




"Everything you can imagine is real."
— Pablo Picasso