Young Writers Society

Hi chem! what a lovely poem we've got here! Let's gently creep in a bit into this poem shall we?

a gradual realization of emotions
From the start of the sentence, I could immediately relate since it's still November (canonically a fall season) and yet the sun's already gone by the time I even think about doing something...
The way you express love as something that "gradually" creeps in is so romantic and was the perfect thing to read while I was drinking my morning hot cocoa.
Also, the metaphors and expressions! I really loved the line

look back at the pages you’ve occupied and whisper that maybe i should stop locking myself into an asylum that i create.

because of how real it is that it's so easy to just get sucked into your own world in a piece of paper and get delusions dissonant from reality.

all in all
The format, the entire poem being lowercase, it all adds so much and I really enjoyed reading this!

Hey friend! Right from the beginning of this, it really caught my attention. With daylight savings happening recently, it has felt like it's so dark so early.

how is it five-thirty and the sky has turned black? winter crept in just like you did, my love, slowly and quietly as a fox. i wish i could say i stuck a pin in the very moment i fell in love with you but i think the way i found out was a bit more like a vine draping down a brick wall. i looked away for a moment and there it was—there you were, down to my knees. you’ve wrapped yourself around me by now, but now i am no longer in denial.

I thought this section was really beautiful. I like how you start by asking this question, which to me almost seems like "how has something come so soon, without me, even realizing it?" Of course, the sky getting darker every day is a gradual progression, but it seems that we don't notice it until it's pitch black at 5:30. I love how you apply this metaphor to your relationship. Suddenly, this person is here and they love you and you were just holding them. I feel like that with a lot of things in life. Think it works the other way too, sometimes you don't realize things are gone until they are just… No more.

i told my notebook i was insane for ever thinking you’d love me back. i look back at the pages you’ve occupied and whisper that maybe i should stop locking myself into an asylum that i create. i could fill reams of paper with your essence, stop pushing back my endless lines of script. i’d tell our story in the way it should be told, soft and slow.

This is a super random common, but something about this paragraph made me think of the diary of Anne Frank. I know that is probably not what you were going for at all, but it reminds me of when I read her diary, and how she confided her deepest feelings into that book, filling it with her dreams and realizations and hopes. I love how you deeply describe so many emotions here. You use some very beautiful words and alliteration too. I like when you use essence and endless together. I also do like your style without using capitalization. Overall, I really liked this piece. It flowed nicely and felt like an honest reflection, a bunch of words on a page which mean something.

Have an awesome night and keep writing <3

Your friend,
Ellie