this morning i breathed in the chilly fall air as if it was my last—
left the world behind as i stared at the cloud my breath made. i wish not to be in real life,
there are better places to be. perhaps in my mind. perhaps in yours.
maybe if i lose myself in my own thoughts for long enough i’ll cross yours.
because every time i put one foot in front of the other,
trying to survive, hoping to thrive—
i tell myself it’s all for you. if it weren’t for you maybe i would just
walk back into those old patterns, dip my foot into the quicksand
just to know how sinking feels. leave my healing behind just to hit self-destruct once more.
if you ever left i might just push that button.
i miss you when i’m in a crowded room, everyone wants a smile and a wave
but i’m drowning in my anxiety because i don’t know how to
do life when you’re not there. you push against my logical thoughts,
i try to reason with myself, try to say it’ll never happen between us,
but you’ve clouded my better judgement.
i tell myself i’m not falling for you,
not because i’m not in love but because
in reality you’re dragging me deeper into the water with each word you speak.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
@avimoon
it might be real, but i don't even know anymore
same
This is so beautiful. It's like a love story forever there, always being told. You can see every step of this playing out throughout the poems. Ty so much for sharing these poems with me @theromanticchemist. Keep doing amazing.
Hey, Chem. I'm choosing to review this one first because it caught my eye. I am a sucker for long lines of poetry, though.
Now, this poem seems to have a darker theme than at first glance. It has a nice sentiment and a romantic title, but hidden between the lines of romance seems to be pain. And that becomes so much more apparent with the way you wrote this, as well. There are slow, blunt moments, but also places where the pace quickens- mostly toward the end. The way you wrote this poem is a wild juxtaposition with the overall theme of the poem (that I interpreted, at least)- that the person the narrator loves is keeping them going in life, which is a pretty romantic thing to say to a lover!
These lines really stuck with me in this piece. I love the parallelism in "perhaps in my mind. perhaps in yours." And the use of "perhaps" gives it an air of uncertainty. Like the narrator doesn't really know if there is a better place. This is reiterated when you use the word "maybe" in the very next line.
Here's one of those pace changes I mentioned in the beginning. It's like you're about to create a build-up, especially with the parallel structure in the second line. And then, you use an emdash and it cuts off. And honestly? I love that.
Now here's where we get that darker aspect. The narrator is holding on for the sake of love, but without that love, they "might just push that button." And it's like this poem is just imbued with sadness, even though it's also a love poem.
Ok, if I'm 100% honest, this little part confused me just a little bit, mostly because I've been thinking way too hard about this poem (as I normally do when I review). So it seems that the narrator is trying to convince themself that they will never break up with their lover, but the part that confused me is when you write "but you've clouded my better judgement." To me, with the context of the previous phrases, it sounded like the narrator's lover was telling them that they will break up, which.... I assume is not actually the case.
I think the problem is the "try to say it'll never happen between us," which is followed by "but you've clouded my better judgement." The interesting thing is that I actually thought this line was really clever! The narrator thinks that they will break up, or that something bad is going to happen, but the narrator's lover has clouded that judgement. At least, that's what I thought this was implying.
now this was quite a powerful last line. The narrator is not falling in love, they are practically drowning in it---both in a good way, and in a dangerous way. I love last lines being their own line or one sentence! I feel it also captures a lot of what this poem is really about. I also love the imagery you put alongside it. It also ties back to that contrast between the narrator loving their partner, but also struggling with falling "back into those old patterns."
I feel this is a bit of a shorter review than I typically do (sorry about that), but this was truly an astounding poem, Chem! I loved the tone of the poem, and the darker aspect that love can have; this poem exposes the insecurities/worries that people face. Well done, Chem.
keep writing
- Avian
I am deeply captivated by your evocative expression of emotion throughout your work. Your willingness to lay bare both the pleasant and the disquieting aspects of your experiences crafts a rich, engaging narrative that resonates with readers on a profound level. By embracing the complexities of life and the ambivalence that often accompanies our journey through it, you create a powerful connection with your audience.
One particularly relatable theme is the exploration of feeling lost and adrift, seeking guidance or inspiration from external sources. This notion strikes a familiar chord, as many of us have encountered moments where our own sense of direction falters. The honesty and vulnerability in your portrayal of these emotions allow readers to identify with your words on a deeply personal level.
The imagery you employ to convey an autumnal atmosphere is exquisite and immersive. As the vibrant hues and brisk chill of the season come to life through your words, one cannot help but be transported into this vividly rendered world. The interplay between the natural environment and the emotional landscape of your characters further accentuates the potency of your storytelling.
Moreover, I admire the seamless transitions between themes, emotions, and scenes that you deftly weave throughout your work. This fluidity lends a sense of cohesion to the narrative, drawing readers in and keeping them engaged as the story unfolds.
In conclusion, I want to express my admiration for the authenticity and raw emotion conveyed in your work. By delving into the highs and lows of human experience with candor and lyricism, you have created a powerful and deeply affecting piece that leaves a lasting impression on readers. Your evocative descriptions of the autumnal setting, combined with the relatable themes of uncertainty and longing, culminate in an enchanting and memorable literary experience.
Hai :3
This is so beautifully melancholic, and I'm feeling every bit of it!! You’ve really captured that crisp, chilly autumn vibe in the first line ~~ Like, it’s like I can feel that cold air filling my lungs alongside you, with that sense of finality; there is this sense of it's something that needs to be savored because maybe it won’t come again. There’s this almost desperate yearning woven into every line, and it hurts so good!!
The way you drift between the internal world and the external is so raw!! It’s like you’re slipping between that space of wanting to escape reality but also needing someone to anchor you, and that back-and-forth tension between “maybe if I lose myself in my own thoughts for long enough I’ll cross yours” is just stunning. It gives this sense of hope, but also an underlying desperation, like you’re teetering on the edge of losing yourself and just wanting to find any sign that you’re seen.
I love this !!!
It’s painfully relatable. There’s this vivid imagery of quicksand, like you can almost feel the pull of old habits, that temptation to just let go and fall back in!! It’s like you’re holding on by a thread, just barely resisting the urge to self-destruct, and it’s all tangled up in this idea of doing it “all for you.” There’s a sense of how much this person means to you ~~ Like, they mean so much that without them, everything might just spiral back to that place. That is so real to me!!
This is like that feeling of being surrounded yet completely alone because the one person who makes everything make sense isn’t there. The way you describe being dragged deeper into the water is this perfect metaphor for how overwhelming feelings can be!! You’re drowning, but it's almost willingly. This person is like your anchor, your logic and reasoning. In the poem, it's like you’re captivated by it all. It’s intense and messy, and it feels so tangible for me. I can reach out and touch it!!
It is a bit cliche though!! These images are definitely effective at conveying the emotion, but I think pushing for a more unique metaphor could give the poem a layer of freshness. Maybe instead of the water metaphor, you could play off the fall theme ~~ Like, leaves being pulled under, or the heaviness of a coming winter. It could use something that ties back to the atmosphere you’ve set at the beginning, since it calls back to the previous stanzas. That would be useful!!
Aaa this is so pretty, I adore it !!!
It's very cyclical!! Like, it’s such a beautiful blend of longing and introspection, with just the right touch of darkness. There’s this vulnerability in every line, but it’s also so human in how it captures that struggle of wanting to be free but being tied to someone’s presence. It’s like a slow unraveling, and I just want to give the narrator a hug and tell them it’s going to be okay!! Amazing work!! <3
- Payton
Thank you so much!!