i’d lay in my bed late at night, thinking of the what if’s.
they started sweet,
kissing in the rain, wondering of the ways i'd love her.
slowly devolving into madness.
i'd count
every
single
way
my heart could get broken
once again.
-
i'd get closer and closer,
into her skin, into her eyes
nothing else mattered except her and me.
my midnight thoughts,
my daylight dreams.
everything, everything belonged to her.
my friends called it obsession,
no, i'm just hers.
-
keep silent when she's around, she'll never
see all the flaws, not the mess i can be
just my head on her shoulder, thats all i'll need.
she doesn't need every part of me.
-
didn't realize,
i was slipping away,
into the darkness,
nobody saw. they mistook my ghost
for my reality.
-
she was looking at him while i was nearly dying.
this is the pain of falling in love.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Hello theromanticchemist! Incoming review!
that had me confused. Were you trying to word it like "wondering the ways..."? The wording is just kind of confusing, so streamlining it would be a good choice.I love myself a good love poem. The unrequited passion is raw and on display. That's all I have for an overview, so let's dive right on into the review! I'll go roughly stanza-by-stanza.
I like your stylistic choice of having the emphasis on each word of "every single way" be its own line. It was a good way to incorporate some visual style in your work and I encourage you to try and add more because as of now, it's just the one example. Sometimes you have to push style in there to know what is the right amount.
There was also this one line
Now, I'm a fan of free verse, but I have an idea with these lines: You could potentially change the "me" at the end to "I". I understand if you want to keep it strictly free verse because that change would also make the ending line grammatically incorrect, but that was just a thought.
By far, my favorite part of your poem was The meter of the first two lines has such a good flow. And then there's a little internal rhyme with "dream" and "everything". If I had to give a critique, maybe format it so "everything" ends the line because it gives the couplet a nice downbeat to end off on.
This stanza diverges from your regular format. Particularly the "nobody saw. they mistook my ghost". There isn't any other place where you have a period in the middle of a line. A general "rule" in poetry is that you want to stay consistent.
Ah a painful ending. This reminds me of a Richard Siken quote that goes something like "If your first love was unrequited, it wasn't love. It was your first longing. You have all your loves ahead of you."
Well that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of this useful. You are a young poet, and I hope you develop your style as you continue to grow! Have a good day. Anyway byeeeeeeeeeee<3
Thank you so much for your feedback! This really helped
loved, loved, triple loved this! I dont have any good constructive criticism T-T just wanted to say I really liked it
Hey! Valenin3 here to shoot you a review (since you gave me a really helpful review)! SOOOOOOOOO lets get into it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, what I'm picking up is that you (the narrator) have fallen desperately in love with a girl who seems to express zero to no interest in the narrator whatsoever. The narrator is slowly feeling the pain that one can experience of falling in love. This truly is a beautiful poem and I feel like I'm reading it straight out of a book.
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Quick side notes:
I really like the beauty of your writing style
NEVER STOP WRITING POEMS LIKE THESE (please)
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Have a good day/night/morning!
Love, Valentin3
Thank you so much!! I'm glad my review helped you
)