i don't know how to say
that when i get near you my world freezes in place.
everything else might as well be a blur, because
your face is the only one i want to see.
if you asked me the time,
i'd tell you it was two years ago,
when we first met.
-
i don't know how to say
that your voice is like piano music.
gentle fingers pressing on ivory keys, please
keep talking, i need to feel calm again.
someone asked me my favorite song,
and it wouldn't have been wrong to answer
"him."
-
i don't know how to say
that the weather doesn't matter when you're here.
when the rain was pouring around us, and
i couldn't keep my eyes open,
i looked at you through squinted eyes
and saw your laugh to the skies.
rainwater clouded my vision,
but your outline was there, loud and clear.
-
i don't know how to say
that we were just kids that very first day,
but you took my hand and dragged me out to the playground.
it feels like we've been there ever since.
i wish life was as easy as hugging you was,
in that purple plastic slide.
your legs buzzed with static
but you said you didn't want to leave me alone.
-
i don't know how to say
that i know we've been through a hurricane,
but i want to spend the rest of my life's natural disasters with you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hi there, hope you're having a great day! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
So this poem is super sweet - the gist of it that I understood was that the speaker has went through some big life things with their love (hurricanes, school etc) and now it's like all of time circles around these moments shared together so they express their love in saying, whatever they go through good / bad they hope to spend it with their love.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
One of the most exciting moments this couple seems to have shared together was going through a hurricane - though this is the only moment not really described / expanded upon - I'd definitely urge describing this one a bit more and maybe even bringing in those rain / hurricane descriptors to every stanza to add to the continuity. I think also the second to last stanza is going backwards in time, You might play around with how the stanzas are organized - have they always felt this love, or was there a moment of revelation?
Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I really appreciated the consistent form of the poem with the refrain and even stanzas - this made the poem feel very organized and clear. This can sometimes feel repetitive, but I think you did a good job of keeping each stanza different and engaging in telling the story of the relationship. I also really enjoyed your use of specific imagery throughout - instead of just generic references to events, you brought clarity and described them so the reader could start to construct the scene. My favorite stanza was the one about it raining, I love rain imagery!
Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall this poem was almost formulaic with it's use of a consistent refrain and set-up, but it made it very easy to understand all the way through. I enjoyed the read and look forward to checking out more of your poems in the future!
alliyah
Hello! Ley here to review this delightful work for you. Today, I’ll be using my 'Autumn-Themed Review Template'! We’ll begin with my initial impressions, then delve into the aspects that stood out like the vibrant hues of fall, and then get into the critiques. I hope you find this review insightful, and that you're enjoying the cozy charm of autumn, wherever you are in the world! Let’s dive in!
The First Signs of Autumn
I'm a sucker for romantic/admiration poetry, so here I am. And I'm so glad I clicked on this piece. I love the metaphors you used in this poem, and if I were to read this (if I were on the receiving end of this poem), I'd probably cry. It's truly beautiful! Let's get into some specifics of what I loved about this piece.
A Golden Harvest
Right off the bat, the tone is amazing. I could hear the piano in my brain as I read, and the smile of relating this person's voice to the melodies is such a clever idea. This would also be the first time I've seen this simile used in poetry, so points for creativity!
I also wanted to mention that this reads very much like a story, and I love it. I felt as though you're taking us through this relationship's chapters, and it definitely worked. The flow was perfect; the pacing was also great.
Aggghhh this ending! It was the perfect sweet line to close this out. Love it.
Wilted Leaves and Crisp Critiques
I don't have any critiques on this poem, besides a few punctuation suggestions, but I truly don't think this poem needs it. There's a sense of raw feeling here, and it really reads like it's coming from your heart. <3
Cozy Conclusion
Overall, I'm so glad I read this. It's a happy poem, but because of the emotion, it comes off as raw and real. You did a wonderful job with projecting voice here, and I can't wait to read more of your poems if they're like this! I hope you're enjoying RevMo so far <3 Happy writing!
Thank you so much for the review, Ley! I'm honored <3