I wish everything would simply be a dream.
And then i could always be with you.
but then,
Not all wishes do come true.
I've promised myself that I'd grow up
And forget those stupid fairy tales.
but then,
Whenever I think I'm ready to let go,
Whenever I feel it's time to grow
that's when
I start to realize that
I'll never get even with you.
So I go back to dreaming,
So I stick to my wishes, and
that's when
I'll find out everything becomes real.
So real that all infatuation becomes love,
And all feelings start to develop.
but then,
that's when
She starts to take you away...
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I agree with the comment about good imagery. It's a little simple, but the idea your trying to convey isn't simple at all. Maybe spice it up a little?
Also, I love the structure of this poem. Whenever I write poetry it's just in boring straight lines. It never sunk into my brain that you can have FUN with the form in poetry. So bravo for grasping that concept.
There is...a total lack of imagery or any kind of poetic embellishment. Imagery is a key for poems like these, which are dry due to the shallowness of their theme; if you want this saved, describe, smell, see, hear.
So far, this is basically a diary entry that has been hacked into several lines for seemingly no reason. There is a rhyme but it is very inconsistent and you need to either bring it into line with the rest of the poem or do away with it.
Why the indents? If you want to indicate a pause, do it in a way that doesn't overreach and sound jolted, as the sudden indents do. Just having "But then" in another line by itself is enough.
The narrator sounds utterly unconvinced, not a good sign at all. "Find out"? "Becomes love, and all feelings start to develop"? These are parched phrases dedicating themselves to a single, dead-end idea that should be shown in such a way that the audience thinks, not just reads. How was it love? How did you know? Why does it matter?
Overall, this was shallow and the theme was either lacking or portrayed poorly through the dearth of imagery and the odd indents that seem to over-serve a purpose. Fix that and the piece would be better.
Hope that helped.
Hey, I like the idea in this poem it's cool and I totally get what your trying to say. Maybe bit more varied vocab and some good imagery and you've got it! If you have any good advice for me as I'm just starting out on here that would be cool. Keep going with the poems
Brown Eyed Girl xx
Hi Telle! I'm Kat, nice to meet you, and I will review this piece!
The first line is so... common, so cliche. Please, try to put it in a more original way. Trade the period at the end of the firs tline for a comma, and don't capitalize the 'and' on the second line. But do capitalize the 'I'.
'But then,' sounds wrong. Try to reword it.
This stanza is just so emotionless. I can't feel anything. Try to kick in more imagery and emotions.
Put a comma at the end of the first line, and don't capitalize the 'and'. Not all words at the beginning of a sentence have to be capitalized. Cut the 'then' It doesn't fit, grammatically. Don't capitalize the second 'whenever'. Comma after 'grow'. See, dear? 'That's when', sound so much good here! I'm not sure I understand the last line.
Comma after the two so's, an don't capitalize the second.
You use the future, in the forth line. It doesn't sounds good that you predict that it will all become real. May be put as you would like for it to become all real.
Comma after 'real'. Don't capitalize the 'and'. She? Who's she? Know you join somebody else to the poem, and you do not explain who it is?
Overall: It was an ok poem. A bit boring, because you repeat most things. And most of all, I couldn't feel anything of what you told me. I couldn't actually feel your sadness when it isn't all real, and it's just a dream.
PM me if you have any questions!
*Kat*