**another poem for my best friend**
**reviews will be appreciated**
tearful eyes stare at me,
loud accusing voices fill the room;
angry words are thrown everywhere,
like spears from an angry soldier.
i crossed my arms and faced away.
from now on, no bond will connect us.
i removed the ring that he gave me,
i felt relieved because i broke his heart.
i returned the ring in his shaky hand
and looked at his tearful eyes.
i took a deep breath and said to him,
"for the years we had, you're only a friend."
this made him cry so much that
he pulled me closer and hugged me.
i tried to let go, but he hugged me tighter;
i began to cry, and embraced him too.
"i don't know what to do if you'll leave;
i would die if you'll try to go!
so please don't go, be with me forever.
stay in my arms until the whole world ends."
how would you love someone back
when he caused you so much heartache and pain?
how would you return to him now that
he lost your trust and your sincerity?
he knelt before me and kissed my hand,
begging me not to end our relationship.
and how can i refuse him, after all
his arms is where i really belong?
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
how would you love someone back
when he caused you so much heartache and pain?
how would you return to him now that
he lost your trust and your sincerity?
In this stanza i think the repeated "would"'s should be replaced by "could." How could you love someone makes more sense than how would you love someone.
Also, you should change your sentencing around so you are not always starting with "I"
Its a very good honest poem. =] good job!
Good poem! I love the imagery. But there are some issues to be addressed that would make it better: *I don't mean to sound harsh, but please consider these things*
Number one: 'i' as a word is a proper noun, so unless you don't consider yourself to be a proper noun, CAPITALIZE IT!
Number two: AT LEAST the first letter in the first word of each stanza needs to be capitalized.
Numero tres: for future reference--take it easy on the I's. It's a bit dull to read something with soooo many of them in it. Albeit, I know it can be very difficult to replace them, just try cutting 'em down, okay? It would really be more interesting like that.
Number four: In the first stanza, the bit about the 'angry words...like spears from an angry solider' Try finding a synonym for 'angry'. It would, again, be more interesting and less repetitive.
Number five: you had some discrepancies with your present/past tense thing.
Number six: when you say 'relieved because i broke his heart.' you need to fix the 'broke' because 'broke' in that instance is, I think, gramatically incorrect. I think... Anyway, it just didn't sound quite right. And it's so cliche. Try to be original. Cliche is boring. Original is new and interesting. I'm pretty sure you're original. Everyone else I've met is original. So be you--be your original, unique self. And keep writing!
PS: I really did love reading it.
Hi there! You may think I'm pursuing your poems, but I'm really not. your poems they just stumble in my way
So, I'm not even going to mention the I's again, since it seems it's not a distraction, you do it in every poem.
I didn't think it was cliche. I mean, it's a very used theme, but every person has it's story and version. But I did agree with anti-pop in the other points.
Anyway, good work. keep on writing!
Hi! I'm anti-pop and I'll be pointing out some things that should be corrected.
Capitalization! Just like they taught us in grammar school...The first letter of every sentence begins with a capital letter. Also, try not to use periods in your poetry. Just let the sentence end; like this: "like spears from an angry soldier"
Also, try not to use the word 'angry' to describe two different things. Try coming up with a more 'grown-up' word to replace it. For instance, "harsh words" and "a violent soldier". Or something along those lines.
Again, capitalize and take out the period, but I really enjoyed this stanza. The last line had a good, meaninful impression on me.
You began to cry? And embraced him back? But didn't you just say that you don't return his love? Hmm. Make sure to stay consistent with your emotions in poetry. You probably should've gone more in-depth about your shock when he hugged you, and the conflicting feelings you had when you began to break down. That way, the reader doesn't go, "wait, what??"
Ah, here are your conflicting thoughts. The only thing I can point out about this is that it seems out of order, and should've come before he confessed his love for you. But that's personally just my thoughts. Otherwise, I think it's fine.
Not quite a satisfying end for the reader, but still sweet. Note: reword last line "His arms are where I really belong?"
All in all, I enjoyed it. Pretty cliche, considering how many times this idea has been used, but I think you did pretty well.
Keep up the good work
*anti-pop