I'm gonna be blunt - I had a hard time with this and usually I'm okay with poems because that's pretty much all I critique. I dont think it was as much of a poem as the fact that you were just telling us what was happening. 'It's narrative poetry' I hear you cry, but it's nice to have some imagery in there, so you're not just telling us what's going on.
Other than that, it was a pretty original idea so I liked it. Perhaps it could be altered to be better targeted for children - it seems a little too deep for let's say.. a five year old. Y'get me? Okay, so now just some little nick-pickety things;
telle_04 wrote:Of cars, of people,
Of cats and of dogs-- *
Fades into stillness.
And then, everything
Settles into silence.
* Okay this line I think you could just cut down to; 'Of cats and dogs.' This makes the flow much better for this stanza, I think and therefore makes the rest of the flow seem alright.
telle_04 wrote:Other friends could hear.
Soon, magic appears
And brings us to life;
And now I will tell.*
* This line is pretty blunt for the end of a stanza and it just sort of, chops it off from the rest of the poem wihch is abrupt and kinda off puts the rhtyhm of it.
telle_04 wrote:Trains go, "Choo! Choo! Choo!"
On the railroad tracks.
And bears and bunnies
Would go, "Hop, Hop, Hop."
The end line of this stanza, I don't think you'd need the words 'hop, hop, hop' in speech marks because it's not a sound, like that of the train.
Other than these little things, it's not so bad. Just make sure you dont tell the reader and instead show them, like they're in the room with the toys, watching them. Try not to make the lines as choppy - let them blend into one another.
Good work!
Points: 890
Reviews: 19
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