z

Young Writers Society



Melody's bedroom

by telle_04


please bear with grammar..and i'm open for critics..**


Melody's Bedroom

Light starts to hide,
Replaced by darkness.
The sun waves good-bye,
The moon takes its place.
The stirring noise--
Of cars, of people,
Of cats and of dogs--
Fades into stillness.
And then, everything
Settles into silence.

As the world quiets
And everything falls
Into deep slumber,
Melody's bedroom
Comes alive with noise.
Noise only me and
Other friends could hear.
Soon, magic appears
And brings us to life;
And now I will tell.

Dolls would play with ropes,
Clowns would juggle balls;
Drummers beat their drums
Along with trumpets.
And boats would sail on
The frozen lakes as
Trains go, "Choo! Choo! Choo!"
On the railroad tracks.
And bears and bunnies
Would go, "Hop, Hop, Hop."

This is our realm, our
World of fantasy.
This is where magic
Gives us color and
Brings us all to life.
This is where we live,
Safe from the harm that
The outside world gives.
This is where no one
Manipulates us.
Melody's bedroom.

Faint rays of the sun
Begins to reign in
The pale blue sky, and
It's the moon who waved
Good-bye, together
With the stars. And then
I resume my place
In the box where I
Was kept; at the far
Side of the bedroom.

The others also
Return to their beds,
Boxes, or cans, as
They welcome the new
Day, motionless and
Waiting for it to
End soon. Melody
Wakes up, climbs down from
Her bed, unaware
Of the events that
Had took place and will
Resume every night.
Here in her bedroom,
Where toys come to life...


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19 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 19

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Tue Mar 03, 2009 12:08 pm
Serendipity Blues wrote a review...



I'm gonna be blunt - I had a hard time with this and usually I'm okay with poems because that's pretty much all I critique. I dont think it was as much of a poem as the fact that you were just telling us what was happening. 'It's narrative poetry' I hear you cry, but it's nice to have some imagery in there, so you're not just telling us what's going on.

Other than that, it was a pretty original idea so I liked it. Perhaps it could be altered to be better targeted for children - it seems a little too deep for let's say.. a five year old. Y'get me? Okay, so now just some little nick-pickety things;


telle_04 wrote:Of cars, of people,
Of cats and of dogs-- *
Fades into stillness.
And then, everything
Settles into silence.


* Okay this line I think you could just cut down to; 'Of cats and dogs.' This makes the flow much better for this stanza, I think and therefore makes the rest of the flow seem alright.

telle_04 wrote:Other friends could hear.
Soon, magic appears
And brings us to life;
And now I will tell.*


* This line is pretty blunt for the end of a stanza and it just sort of, chops it off from the rest of the poem wihch is abrupt and kinda off puts the rhtyhm of it.

telle_04 wrote:Trains go, "Choo! Choo! Choo!"
On the railroad tracks.
And bears and bunnies
Would go, "Hop, Hop, Hop."


The end line of this stanza, I don't think you'd need the words 'hop, hop, hop' in speech marks because it's not a sound, like that of the train.

Other than these little things, it's not so bad. Just make sure you dont tell the reader and instead show them, like they're in the room with the toys, watching them. Try not to make the lines as choppy - let them blend into one another.

Good work!





Nobody wants to see the village of the happy people.
— Lew Hunter