please bear with grammar..and i'm open for critics..**
What I've become..
my life started as being
a sweet-natured girl, whose curious mind wanted to know
what is it that people call LOVE...
and then one thing led to another,
and the sweet little girl they once knew
was GONE...
i became
reticent and unforthcoming,
reserved from the people around,
because i really don't know
who to trust...
i became
apprehensive and concerned
of those special ones in my life,
because i feared they might feel
what i am feeling right now...
i became
tenacious and persistent,
because i wanted the world to know
what is going on in my mind, and in my heart...
and yes, i was
once a happy and outgoing innocent girl,
until i met that almost-perfect boy, who
took my heart away,
and then her whole life changed...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hi there, Telle! I'm June!
I like this alot-- if it's based on your life, and I see that it is, I appreciate it more. Poetry like this holds honesty and emotion in the words, and I know that it took effort and experience to write a piece like this.
Now, let's begin working on this, dear. I'm going to take you through this poem and point out the things you can fix.
I am going to do a bit of rewriting here, making the language clearer and more fluent, dear, while keeping your words, okay? It's only a suggestion-- you do not have to keep it this way:
I started my life as
a sweet natured girl,
Whose curious mind wanted to know,
What is it that people call love?
And one thing led to another,
and the sweet, little girl they once knew...
... was GONE!
Because later on in the poem, you switch to first person, why not start in first person, dear?
The pronoun "i" must always be capitalized, dear
I love the honesty that you're speaking with. It's rather touching, because, you are telling us that you became "closed in", yet, you are sharing this with us. Great job, dear.
I really enjoyed it. It had a nice flow to it, and overall, it was just beautiful.
Keep it up!
June
I like this. It is telling the reader something about you they might not see right away. It shows us that there is more to you than we might think. Well done.
I love your use of adjectives!
Well written!
I also like the plot-- it's very intriguing.
But I don't think you should put
'i was once a happy and outgoing innocent girl'.
If you MUST put it that way,
write it as
I was once a happy, outgoing, and innocent girl.
Innocent, though, is a terrible adjective, I believe.
You, and the world, could do SO much better.
Orther than that, VERY good
Hi telle, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
You have a lack of capitalization in this poem, which was the first thing I noticed. Capitalizing the first word in each line is kind of standard in these poems, unless you're going for the e.e. cummings style of poetry.
Your second line seems to be too long compared to the others. I'd suggest breaking it up into two different lines. Also, I think that the use of ellipses was excessive in this poem. Ellipses, when used just right, can really brighten up your poem. But, using it too much, like in this poem, takes away the mood.
See the ellipses comment. And another thing: the capitalization doesn't fit well here. Come to think about it, in your first stanza, the capitalization didnt' fit either. Just writing it out normally would be fine.
I don't really see anything wrong with this verse, yet it is quite a bit dull. The words here aren't striking, they don't stand out. This message has been phrased similarly numerous times. I think you need to change this a little to make it sound more bold.
I think concerned for your loved ones would work better. This is too much like the previous verse. The repetition here is kind of annoying, since after the third line, you pretty much know what's coming already.
Okay, this has one line less than the other verses. It throws the structure off, so adding another line would be okay. And you're contradicting yourself a tad bit. First, you say you became 'reticent and unforthcoming', but now, 'tenacious and persistent'. It is a bit unsettling, so I think you need to rework this one.
The first part, when you mention the 'happy and outgoing, innocent girl, you repeat it. It has already been mentioned before, but it sort of makes it stronger and weaker at the same time. You make your overall point stronger by repeating this in this verse, but while reading it, the repetition felt kind of hollow. It would sound better if you varied your word choice a bit for this, made your structure a bit different.
And you started this in a first person perspective, but jumped to third person at the end. It threw me off, so I'd keep it all in first person if I were you. Well, pretty good poem. You need to fix this a bit, but keep writing! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about this.