**a poem that formed itself in my mind..dedicated to my best friend..**
**reviews will be appreciated..**
~
your smile greets me warmly
revealing happiness when you see me
your laughter always echoes in my mind
and your voice in enclosed in my heart
~
your gentle touch when you are near
is what i'll never forget when you leave
your eyes are tiny questioning gems
full of openness and sincerity
~
you never left when i am down
you're always there if ever i need you
i never seem to appreciate you
but you accepted me for who i am
~
i could never return the joy you bring
or the time you shared with me
neither could i return everything you gave
including your life and your love
~
if only i could tell you how i feel
and when i'm never there for you
i would still be thankful knowing that
you loved me in a way i never thought you will...
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Awesome poem. I think it needs to flow better though. And capitalize though I must say I am not a grammar freak (I just started a sentence with "And"). You can totally understand what the poem is about and the emotion though. I enjoyed reading it. I saw your other Christian poetry posts. I think those are awesome too. Its nice to know someone else is writing Christian lyrics! Do you listen to CCM?
Very nice. It definately could flow better. Keep in mind a specific meter. Like try to have 10 syllables a line I suppose is an example.
It was a good poem!
the only thing that bothered me was this line:
"you never left when i am down"
maybe you mean you never left when i was down
or you never leave when i am down
something like that
also you should capitalize your "i"'s and make them "I"'s. It will look more professional
i really liked reading think poem it was great!
keep writing!!
Hi there!
I must tell you I'm a grammar freak (and proud to be one) and those I's are just freaking me out! You should really capitalize them all! LOL
Anyway, I like this, and I get it, because I too have a best friend to who I am much thankful to her. I agree with Someguy on some points. Ok then, there's not much more to say, so good work and keep writing!
I don't know
I like the style in which you wrote it and that it also showed a little emotion.
The downside is that some parts are too expected.
and your voice [s]in[/s](is) enclosed [s]in[/s](inside) my heart
It's an odd beginning, but not a bad one.
Your smile greets me warmly
revealing happiness when you see me.
This is something I've heard too many times in my life.
I'd try to be creative. If you can't think of something else, keep it like this. There is nothing wrong with it, but it's one of those 2 lines which can improve or not. Your choice.
is what [s]i'll[/s](I'll) never forget when you leave
Now this is interesting. Strange metaphor. "your eyes are tiny questioning gems"
Very unusual. I like it. It is different.
I'd add a comma at the end of line 3.
The second line is good, but it is a bit confusing. Not confusing like I don't understand it. The word order seems wrong. I'd write it like this:
you're always there if I ever needed you
It'll make so much more sense.
Also: You always write " i " like that instead of like this, " I "
It's a nasty habit you're falling into.
This is nice. Just the last line.
including your life and your love for me.
I know it sounds stupid, but I like it.
A full stop at the end of the second line would be nice.
Always start with a capital letter, unless you have a good reason why?
and when [s]i'm[/s](I'm) never there for you
Ending is nice and strong. Good emotion and the tempo in which it flows (For me) is good.
I still don't know. Yes it is nice and the idea is cute, but I just feel you can do much more. I don't know...
I'll say it is good for now, but you can improve it.