I sit by my bedroom window.
The sky was dark, bringing the promise of rain.
On the sidewalk, someone stood.
I squinted my eyes to look closely.
He smiled and waved at me.
The rain began to fall.
I rushed outside to him, carrying an umbrella.
He slowly shook his head at me.
He took my hand and softly whispered,
"I've never wanted to leave you."
I looked up and tried to smile.
Rain fell harder, and a strong wind blew.
I let the umbrella be swept away.
We stood there together in the rain.
Both silent, weighing our words.
My tears flowed down freely.
He didn't notice that, because of the rain.
So I took a long deep breath.
I chose my words and said to him,
"When you leave, don't say goodbye."
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140,602 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
hey guys.
thanks so much for the help! actually, this is just a draft, but i posted it here so i can earn comments and hopefully edit it. i appreciated the reviews. keep writing too.
~telle.
I think this piece was good(it carried a simplistic, sad atmosphere, which is awesome), but could be better with some revision.
"The rain began to fall.
I rushed outside to him, carrying an umbrella.
He slowly shook his head at me.
He took my hand and softly whispered,
'I've never wanted to leave you.'"
this seems to me to be far to straightforward. The rest of the poem has a sort of ambiguity about it, but I feel like this is completely absent from this stanza. It is essentially all simple action, with very little emotion(with the exception of the last line).
"He didn't notice that, because of the rain."
This line is fine, but perhaps it would flow with the rest of the poems much better if it read something more like: "He didn't notice, because of the rain." That's just my opinion. Other then that, it was great.
Hey there! I think everyone else just about covered it, but I see one more mistake: the first line is in the present tense, while the rest of the poem is in the past tense. Tense consistency is extremely important in poetry, so it should be,
"I sat by my bedroom window."
This is a powerful piece, and I hope this helps!
- Abigail
I would try to add in some more "showing" rather than "telling".
These are some lines that I think could be rephrased to offer more imagery or interest for the reader:
"On the sidewalk, someone stood.
I squinted my eyes to look closely.
He smiled and waved at me."
"He didn't notice that, because of the rain."
Now, short, blunt sentences aren't a bad thing. They really work well in this poem, bringing a different tone, morose almost, to the narrator's voice. But, details are key in poetry. It's the little things that really bring out a writer's creativity, that allow the reader to connect with the characters and see them as human and beings with depth. I think that some backstory of some sort would really help this piece come to life, and that some more interesting language would make this more engaging.
This was a powerful piece, but could be elaborated on and filled in a bit. Otherwise, very nice job- I love the last line.
-Coral-
I think this did too much direct telling, like there wasn't really any depth to it, and because of that it felt lacking, and too typical of a piece. I also didn't like how almost every single line ended with a period. But at the same time, the last line kind of intrigued me..."when you leave, don't say goodbye." I think that sounds really meaningful somehow. I don't know where I'm going with that point, but whatever. My recommendation would be to really form your idea until it's molded into a three-dimensional idea.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver13