Masks

Hey there! I'm Noir, and I'll be your reviewer this evening. Let's rock.

First, concept. The concept behind this was amazing. I loved it, and it held my attention the whole way through. I couldn't help but smile, because this was very good.

Second, rhythm. The rhythm for this poem was very nice. It had great flow, and it helped me keep going to the end. The rhythm also kept my attention, as your use of stanzas told the entire story.

Finally, grammar. I noticed one piece that needs to be tuned up. In the second to last stanza, you put "there were no more *layer* of you..." This should be *layers* with an s. That was the only grammar mistake I found.

Overall: This poem was amazing. I loved it, and it kept my attention throughout the whole thing. I only found one grammar mistake, the concept was good, and the rhythm made it an amazing piece. I was honoured to read it, and I'm proud to review it.

This gets my hyena rating of 9/10.

This has been NoirLumiere. Good night, and keep rocking.

I agree with Kit, mostly he has the right idea in my mind. This is just a comment, not a review but I really liked your eloquence. No doubt can be made better with less line breaks. I also don't like the title. It didn't seem creative enough. When I clicked the link to this poem I felt it would be cliche and another poem with filler. It wasn't quite that.

'Til next time Mortal.

-Hero

Aslo I would like to say sorry because I am tired and don't quite know how rational I sound right now.

Goodness Gracious Mary Agnes. Just my opinion but less line breaks, less line breaks, less line breaks. It is exhausting, and the enjambment is in weird places. I think the surest way to see if the flow of your poetry is right is reading it out loud. If you can't sit on a line, not only is it sort of panting, but it seems like you have no confidence in your imagery, you don't think it holds together on its own.

"You were a lie, structured so beautifully
I believed you instead of the ugly truth."

See if you like it any better. You may even want to experiment writing it as a prose poem, just because it is always fun to try doing different extremes with poetry to find your natural rhythm between.

"Grasped my clammy hand
Said
It’s okay, everyone pretends"

Likewise this could all be the one line, but you need a 'you' I think, it is confusing to change subjects in this way. It seems like it followed on, "I believed... and grasped" rather than from the 'you'.

"Led me to darkly-lit rooms;
the music with a racing pulse,
the only sound anyone cared to hear,
after all, words are trivial things"

At the very least, you can get it to four lines like that. The line breaks take all the flavour out of it.

"Feels like I am morphing into someone
whose life will not just be one long, humdrum prologue
But a novel of intricate lettering."

'Who's' typo. Line break at 'one' is what I was thinking of particularly with enjambment, it is awkward, I do not like. Likewise, the transition between this stanza and the previous one, they do not quite run into one another, you have the 'words are trivial', all be it ironically, but I think it is jarring to go from that to words as the stuff of life, if that makes any sense.

"And it is you who unloosened my weak screws
replacing them with something shiny and new"

See I love these lines. Have faith in them, your imagery shines through without the line breaks drawing big read circles around them. Also if you do it with every four words, nothing comes out as special, and this is really special.

"But, says father, Everyone has a feeble spot.
When touched it unveils all the unattractive aspects
of your person"

Shoved the 'it' in there because it was a bit fragmented. I am sort of lost between this stanza and the last again, 'but' suggests a continuing on. You fixed my hurt, my weakness, but my dad says everyone has weak spots that make you unattractive. Maybe swap? Then "Your dad says everyone has a weak spot that reveals unattractive aspects of your person, but it is you who unloosened my weakened screws, replacing them with something new and shiny." I know you go on to talk about the subject's injuries, but dad's ugly weak spots, your weaknesses mended, his weaknesses, seems ok as a progression. Otherwise it is, "you fixed all my weak spots which is awesome, I have no more weak spots, but my dad says everyone has weak spots that reveal the ugly, and here are yours." The other way around, the narrator and subject are treated more equally, if you get me, they are both vulnerable to the ugly.

"I saw your scars one night,
neither of us particularly eager.
You opened the barricade
with numb fingers

What I saw was so raw and real
Realization hit:
There were no more layers of you left
For me to peel"


Spacing better here, in general in imagery is very strong here, the peeling layers I thought worked a lot more effectively than I have seen it done before, when you are bringing it back to the skin. Visceral, literally, and evocative. Barricade is an odd one to throw in there, I would kind of like that metaphor to be more supported, more context. But yes, in general, good work here.

"I should never have-
I wish I never had-
But time knows no
Rewinds or pauses

I glared and
Burned holes through
The soles of my shoes
Laces come undone
And I said to myself,
You are now the only truth,
Aren’t you?"


To be honest I am not entirely sure of the tone. You say that you have your own reading, I definitely can see that it is clear in your mind, what the feeling and the story is that you are portraying. What's on the page is quite ambiguous there, there is love, and anger, and regret, it doesn't quite settle on one. You called it Masks, and you talk about pretending and lying, being deceived, but you don't go into what lie, how the narrator was deceived, what the consequences of that were. There is the statement that there was the lie, and then everyone else, in the dark room, your weaknesses, life as a novel, your weaknesses mended, the ugliness of weakness, his being exposed, his rawness. Each one of these could have been a separate poem really, to make them stick together you may need to join some more dots, whether that is through making it more narrative or keeping a cohesive analogy like the masks. My theory has always been greater specificity makes for poetry and prose that reveals more in your reader than in you. If you flinch, if you are ambiguous, it doesn't make us feel it, it exposes you, which is not as effective. I'd be interested to hear what your perspective on this poem is though, so I can adapt my analysis to what your objectives were.
Interesting though, keep writing.

Good job