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12+

Heavy

by storyisking


NOTE: For my Spoken Word Poetry club in school, we had an assignment: write a poem on anti-bullying without using the word "victim" or "bully." This is what I came up with (I actually have to read it aloud next Thursday in front of some of the school.)

scathing replies were my swords
all with different pointy ends
books clutched to my chest a weak defense,
a plastic shield.

and yet my armor came apart
as a hand with acrylic nails painted a neon pink
reached out without mercy
dropping math, science, and history
to the floor all crying.

a bracelet on my wrist with red and yellow bead
s spelling out the words, "God is Love"
is all that is keeping me sane right now.

i know my hair didn't fit the mold
but why was I punished for that solely?

punches to my back more harrowing than the day before
as our teacher droned on about quadratic equations
but do I care, really?

they breathed "Freak"
the word escaping through glossy pink lips
that knew what it was like to be kissed
a pleasure I never grew acquainted with .

a voice inside my head determined not to subside whispers
you cannot live like this anymore.

of course mom is bemused when I spill the truth
the words dropping out like marbles
each unconcealing a secret no longer hidden
a feeling like relief builds up in my chest and is let loose.

blue caps are thrown in the air
the sound of jubilant cheers fill my ears
and it came to me then: i no longer have to be scared.

but please don't assume all these wounds have fully healed
for some are still fresh and still bleed
but what matters is I am climbing, running towards the finish line
leading to fulfillment.

i am not done healing
i am thawing.


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34 Reviews


Points: 2581
Reviews: 34

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Wed Apr 17, 2013 12:37 am
silverfin713 wrote a review...



Ooh, spoken word, awesome!

Alright, Silver here with a review. Powerful stuff here. But before I start let me just say that poetry is definitely not my strong suit, and I envy anyone who can! I just love reading it and reviewing it, so you don't have to take any of my advice if you don't want to! :)

Anyway, let's start shall we? I'll break down the stanzas for you, as I like to do.

"scathing replies were my swords
all with different pointy ends
books clutched to my chest a weak defense,
a plastic shield."

Okay, okay, I hate to nag, and I know this is spoken word so grammar and capitalization don't really matter, but still, it bugs me when it's wrong and can distract the reader. Just wanted to get that out there but it's an easy fix. Nevertheless, let's dive in. I really like this beginning; it pulls the reader in. Good word choice with "scathing", and great imagery with "a plastic shield." Very cool way of putting it. The only thing I would take out is the second line. To me, it is unnecessary and doesn't add anything.

"and yet my armor came apart
as a hand with acrylic nails painted a neon pink
reached out without mercy
dropping math, science, and history
to the floor all crying.

a bracelet on my wrist with red and yellow bead
s spelling out the words, "God is Love"
is all that is keeping me sane right now.

i know my hair didn't fit the mold
but why was I punished for that solely?"

These next three stanzas are dynamite. I like the way you didn't waste time fully describing the attacker, because you didn't need to. By focusing in instead on a narrow scope (the nails), you really produced a more vivid image. Though I would perhaps suggest replacing "came" in the first line with a more interesting verb?
The part about the bracelet really digs in deep, the emotion you conveyed is incredible. Definitely a highlight of the poem, as with the question at the end.

"punches to my back more harrowing than the day before
as our teacher droned on about quadratic equations
but do I care, really?

they breathed "Freak"
the word escaping through glossy pink lips
that knew what it was like to be kissed
a pleasure I never grew acquainted with .

a voice inside my head determined not to subside whispers
you cannot live like this anymore."

These next stanzas are good, but for some reason do not capture me as much as the others do, save for the last line. Try putting in another unique verb or zoning in on another aspect more (the lips, the teacher's voice).

"of course mom is bemused when I spill the truth
the words dropping out like marbles
each unconcealing a secret no longer hidden
a feeling like relief builds up in my chest and is let loose.

blue caps are thrown in the air
the sound of jubilant cheers fill my ears
and it came to me then: i no longer have to be scared"

Once again the poem picks up. Wonderful simile and great word choice with "jubilant." If this were a song, I'd imagine it'd be the climax, where the music picks up and becomes all dramatic. :) I like the simple, yet powerful, conclusion the narrator comes to.

"but please don't assume all these wounds have fully healed
for some are still fresh and still bleed
but what matters is I am climbing, running towards the finish line
leading to fulfillment.

i am not done healing
i am thawing"

The first stanza starts off great with the part about the wounds, but loses me with the part about the finish line. I find it weak, when the rest of the poem seems more creative. A finish line is generic. Try, instead, to create a different metaphor. Tie it to something unique to you. :) As for the last line? LOVE it. Seriously, it's pretty amazing. It is a fantastic ending; I love the usage of "thawing", and the trail of thought it produces. Really sums up your point perfectly in one word. Phenomenal job there, my favorite part hands down.

All in all, it was a very enjoyable poem to read and I hope you continue your "career" as a budding poet. :) Let me know if you need anything else reviewed, I'd be more than happy to. Oh, and by the way, good luck with reciting it, it takes a lot of courage, but I have a feeling you'll do great!

All the best,
-Silver




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152 Reviews


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Reviews: 152

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Tue Apr 16, 2013 2:43 pm
ChimeraMania wrote a review...



The part about kissing doesn't really need to be in there.
I understand that the person doing to bulling is a girl because you said
"the word escaping through glossy pink lips" but the whole they have kissed someone and the person being bullied hasn't doesn't need to be recognized. Its about bulling and violence not kissing.

And the last two lines I can understand the person hasn't healed from the bulling, but
"leading to fulfillment" is enough to finish the lines. I see it as you don't need anything extra.

Its really good I see how you went from with the person being scared then ended with them not anymore. You ended it with them realizing they don't have to be scared. Now that I like.

You said it had to do something with bulling and violence. Well I clearly get the point. But like I said before the parts what don't really stay on topic are not needed.

At first I questioned the part about the hair, but now I see why you put it in there. They bullied the person because of their hair.

If this is a girl then I think you need to say something about how long and also whats wrong with her hair. It'd also help to figure out who the character is.


I know how it feels to have someone review something that you worked hard on and it was your vision. If you see you stuff the way you want to then thats fine with me. I just wanted to let you know that okay.





For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle