Ooh, spoken word, awesome!
Alright, Silver here with a review. Powerful stuff here. But before I start let me just say that poetry is definitely not my strong suit, and I envy anyone who can! I just love reading it and reviewing it, so you don't have to take any of my advice if you don't want to!
Anyway, let's start shall we? I'll break down the stanzas for you, as I like to do.
"scathing replies were my swords
all with different pointy ends
books clutched to my chest a weak defense,
a plastic shield."
Okay, okay, I hate to nag, and I know this is spoken word so grammar and capitalization don't really matter, but still, it bugs me when it's wrong and can distract the reader. Just wanted to get that out there but it's an easy fix. Nevertheless, let's dive in. I really like this beginning; it pulls the reader in. Good word choice with "scathing", and great imagery with "a plastic shield." Very cool way of putting it. The only thing I would take out is the second line. To me, it is unnecessary and doesn't add anything.
"and yet my armor came apart
as a hand with acrylic nails painted a neon pink
reached out without mercy
dropping math, science, and history
to the floor all crying.
a bracelet on my wrist with red and yellow bead
s spelling out the words, "God is Love"
is all that is keeping me sane right now.
i know my hair didn't fit the mold
but why was I punished for that solely?"
These next three stanzas are dynamite. I like the way you didn't waste time fully describing the attacker, because you didn't need to. By focusing in instead on a narrow scope (the nails), you really produced a more vivid image. Though I would perhaps suggest replacing "came" in the first line with a more interesting verb?
The part about the bracelet really digs in deep, the emotion you conveyed is incredible. Definitely a highlight of the poem, as with the question at the end.
"punches to my back more harrowing than the day before
as our teacher droned on about quadratic equations
but do I care, really?
they breathed "Freak"
the word escaping through glossy pink lips
that knew what it was like to be kissed
a pleasure I never grew acquainted with .
a voice inside my head determined not to subside whispers
you cannot live like this anymore."
These next stanzas are good, but for some reason do not capture me as much as the others do, save for the last line. Try putting in another unique verb or zoning in on another aspect more (the lips, the teacher's voice).
"of course mom is bemused when I spill the truth
the words dropping out like marbles
each unconcealing a secret no longer hidden
a feeling like relief builds up in my chest and is let loose.
blue caps are thrown in the air
the sound of jubilant cheers fill my ears
and it came to me then: i no longer have to be scared"
Once again the poem picks up. Wonderful simile and great word choice with "jubilant." If this were a song, I'd imagine it'd be the climax, where the music picks up and becomes all dramatic. I like the simple, yet powerful, conclusion the narrator comes to.
"but please don't assume all these wounds have fully healed
for some are still fresh and still bleed
but what matters is I am climbing, running towards the finish line
leading to fulfillment.
i am not done healing
i am thawing"
The first stanza starts off great with the part about the wounds, but loses me with the part about the finish line. I find it weak, when the rest of the poem seems more creative. A finish line is generic. Try, instead, to create a different metaphor. Tie it to something unique to you. As for the last line? LOVE it. Seriously, it's pretty amazing. It is a fantastic ending; I love the usage of "thawing", and the trail of thought it produces. Really sums up your point perfectly in one word. Phenomenal job there, my favorite part hands down.
All in all, it was a very enjoyable poem to read and I hope you continue your "career" as a budding poet. Let me know if you need anything else reviewed, I'd be more than happy to. Oh, and by the way, good luck with reciting it, it takes a lot of courage, but I have a feeling you'll do great!
All the best,
-Silver
Points: 2581
Reviews: 34
Donate