Young Writers Society

Hello Kyla here to give you a review. I really think it is entertaining and good! I didn't see many mistakes or confusions, but I would like to point some things out. If I say something that is misleading, I am incorrect, or you don't like my suggestion please don't hesitate to tell me.

I really enjoy when people capitalize the first letter of their sentences. In the first part, I don't exactly understand why the two lines are separated from the first section. I think that it should've been put together.

I think that on the second paragraph, (the second, I found nothing wrong, I really enjoyed that!) I would've put "No more". I would've then gone with "Says the artificial you, who likes nightmarish, suburban keepings and neighborly barbecues".

On the next, I again don't understand why there is a separation, but that might just be my thinking. I think that you should've gone with "The only sound that echoes is my nonexistent pleading, as you leave an imprint. Something that is only internal." “Of course you would do the noble thing; when have you ever done what your body and your heart screams?

Overall, I think it is good and I hope my advice helped! Keep writing!

Hello there story! I'm not sure if I've told you this before... but I love your avi! That was a fun movie . Ok interesting piece here, you have some nice wording and description. Certainly the strongest bit of your writing is with your wonderful flow and rhythm. Although, one of my beginning complaints is that you start off with great grammar and the commas that make your poem easier to read, but as the piece progresses those commas go away and it makes your writing difficult to get through. For example, when you say:

"No more,
Says the artificial you
Who likes nightmarish
And neighborly barbecues."

So you need a comma after "you" here and you could maybe even add in a comma after "nightmarish" if you really wanted to. That could go either way, furthermore I noticed that you capitalize the beginning of each line. Although grammar is entirely up to the writer, I think that you should use uppercase and lowercase letters for the beginnings of lines as you would for normal grammar. It, in my opinion, looks far better and a little less conventional and mainstream.

"(I think from the night before)."

I like this line, although I'm not a huge fan of the use of parenthesis in writing because it breaks up the flow and looks a little odd. Just take out the parenthesis here and connect this to the line before it with a comma.

"Is my nonexistent pleading as"

Well, a little paradoxical here that a sound is echoing from something that doesn't exist. That line doesn't really make much sense and doesn't seem to add much to your piece. It's poetic and brilliantly written, but it's a little confusing. Also, try to shorten your words whenever you can and say: "pleas" instead.

Nice ending, a good way to bring closure to this piece. All and all it was lovely to read, you have only a few things to correct but I really rather enjoyed it. Great writing certainly and with a few touchups this could be excellent. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Hey, there! Well, I have quite a lot to say about this piece, so let's take it bit-by-bit, shall we?

"Of course you would
Do the noble thing."

So, I like these opening lines quite a lot, and I think that a good few first lines can often make or break a poem (same goes for the few last lines). They are vague but already inject this poem with a vague sense of emotion.


Untangled legs,
Wrapped bed hair,
Capped lipstick,
A suitcase filled
With words you cannot define.

I really like this stanza...until the last line. It has a good balance of power and restraint until that point, and then I feel as though it almost loses impact. It may because of the lines length. Consider something with a bit more of an edge at the end of this stanza, perhaps?


"No more,
Says the artificial you
Who likes nightmarish
Suburban keepings
And neighborly barbecues."

I think this was my least-favorite stanza, not because it was bad but because it could have been better. I felt as though it was almost going somewhere, almost giving us a glimpse of something - but no, we're pulled away too quickly. The first line "No more" also seems strange to me...


"I feel warm
(I think from the night before).

The only sound that echoes
Is my nonexistent pleading as
You leave
An imprint on
Something that
Is only internal."

You almost give us too much as to make the descriptive detrimental to the stanza. What I mean is "The only sound that echoes/Is my pleading as" sounds better than when "nonexistent" is there, and the same can be said as to the weakness of the word "internal." It's almost too direct, lacking that kind of hesitant finesse that exists in the first stanza.

"Of course you would
Do the noble thing[[,]]
Because when have
You ever done
What your body
(and your heart)
screams[[?]]"

I'm always pretty hesitant to correct grammatical decisions in poetry, because they are often stylistic approaches, but this is a case in which I think a bit of grammatical revision would do some good. I would also get rid of the parenthesized portion...it disrupts the statement and, again, causes it to weaken.

This poem is actually really strong, despite my criticisms. I think it's just dripping with potential, and that there is so much more that this could be with a little modification and thought. As-is, it is a very good piece, but it could be better, and I feel as though you have the capacity to improve it. You're toying with a nice concept, but make sure that your wording is strong and consistent in tone. I really enjoyed reading this, and if you have any questions, just let me know!

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx