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140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hello there.....
I love this poem. It reminds me of myself because I to do not like the girly, girly stuff that society is pushing on us. However my favorite part is the beginning and it is the best way to open up a poem like this. Okay now this stanza....
"My fingers snake
Through a cracked surface
That underneath is drowning
All the real things away."
...was one I couldn't really grasp. The message was not really clear. Maybe it is just me. Other than that, though, it is a great poem.
Hey Storyisking,
Can I just say your avatar is awesome? I hold so much love for Miyazaki and all of his masterpieces ^-^ But let's dive right into this poem, shall we?
I did notice that you said this is "uncharted" territory, so I appreciate your courage in sharing it with us and in experimenting with your lines and breaks! I do believe that the last line in the first stanza should attach itself to the 2nd stanza instead. Think of your poetic line like a "sentence", and think of your "stanzas" as paragraphs. You did a great job with your lines, I think your lines lead from one to the other just fine, but your first/second stanza there seemed to be a hiccup there.
That being said - I love the progression in this - the way the narrative and the story is told, as well as the quick pacing, pushes me to read forward and I want to know where you are taking me. I love the details and the imagery in this too -- "plastic mother" is an unexpected word pairing, and the tone is almost resentful :3 but I love it!
Also, careful with your articles, such as here:
Plural roses, or a singular rose?
Also, with your Pretty / Happy / Accepted - lines, I'd suggest adding commas or a colon before the list? Something to indicate that it is a list/series, because when I read it the first time, I was still thinking in terms of lines flowing into one another.
The surface is drowning? What? This stanza could use a bit of clarity. I do love that description of the snaking finger - I feel this poem snakes through as well, so I thought that was apt. I like how in this stanza, you introduce the notion of having "real things" getting taken away, I like that idea very much -- but the image of the drowning seems a bit random when you have tea parties and hair and dollhouses.
That being said - I enjoyed the direction this took me. This poem rings of rebellion away from dollhouses and cute things and teaparties, and seems to value authenticity and reality - so my suggestion as far as improving this is to show us exactly the contrast between the dollhouse and the "things people do not wish to see" -- things are vague - tell us exactly what it is we're hiding, and your poem might ring more powerful there by the end.
I hope this helps. Keep writing girl, I see you've made yourself right at home in the poetry section
~ as always, Audy
I love this! *fangirl moment!*********************************************
*ahem*.
Wow. Okay, I find this poem has a lot of really unique undertones, and things not quite said. So I'm going to review this by stanza, that way I don't miss them. Or at least, I miss less.
"Such a nice girl,
Says no one
I was never good with
My mousy hair
That my plastic mother
Would braid in our dollhouse"
I really like the way you opened this poem. Your imagery conveyed the message of just how superficial society is these days, and how it tries to shape you and control you.
"Humming a tune
That would lead
a blind man home
I couldn’t help but think."
There are maney things I think you might mean by this. I'm not sure which though. My first impression is how loud and/or overbearing the tune must be.
"Tea parties ending
With an unquenched belly
An anxiety that
hides behind a roses."
This, I found, was an excellent image of inner turmoil, hidden from the world by how you are on the outside.
"Hold it
Who said there was
A map I had
To dot and outline
In order to be
Pretty
Happy
Accepted."
I'm sensing a hint of defiance in this one. Love it.
"My fingers snake
Through a cracked surface
That underneath is drowning
All the real things away."
I believe this stanza is revealing a sort of inner corruption. Like how everyone goes along with the trends and majority, unaware of what it's really doing to the world.
"I do not like dolls
(unless I’m cutting their hair)
I do not fancy laced stocking
I do not care for this
Porcelain, watered vision
Of me the world
Is trying to weave."
This was awesome. The defining moment in which the poetry turns from silent thought to outspoken words. As if the poem has found its voice.
"Let us run
Let us unleash
Everything, everything
The people do not
Wish to see."
I love this ending. I couldn't have written it better.
Overall, this poem was great! Your formatting and conventions were flawless. And honestly, I couldn't find anything I wanted to change.
Keep it up!
w&W
Roses shouldn't be plural. Mistake on my part.