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by storyisking

I long to be a child, I long to be an adult
And life, with its sharp splinters
Reminds me I cannot be both

If I were take no responsibility
To lie in the blazing sun
Ignoring outcries of dismay
Would I be condemned for 
just a tiny taste of freedom?

Or maybe-
If I pretend to know what I am speaking of
Long words spewing from a stupid girl's lips
Sitting high and tall such as a governess
Will they assume I am overly sullen
And do not believe life to be an enjoyable treat?

Paradox, I am that
My question however?
Am I a woman in a girl's body
Or the other way around?
Inform me, for I ache to know

Or maybe-
I am a seed planted in the ground
Growing slowly but surely
So tiny now, so insignificant 
About to blossom into something 
So beautiful and new
The people will dare to take a second look.

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109 Reviews

Points: 257
Reviews: 109

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:04 pm
rbt00 wrote a review...

Great poem for a 15 year old. AlthougH i believe that 15 year old have more capability than what you have written. I am not saying the poem is bad or anything like that , I really enjoyed the way you have come up with the idea to write this. Maybe you could go through your poem once again and check for any errors and edit it. That way it would help. Keep Going.. Keep Writing.
Have A Good day! :D

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76 Reviews

Points: 533
Reviews: 76

Sun Jun 30, 2013 11:57 am
Hanorah wrote a review...

Hi storyisking!!!
I'm hanorah and I'll be reviewing your poem today!!
I really really liked this poem as I have been feeling this way for two years now,so I can definatly relate to this poem!
This poem is really smart and sweet.
My only constructive critism is when you wrote:
'If I were take no responsibility' I think you meant 'If I were TO take no responsibility'
Apart from that its all good,Well done!

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213 Reviews

Points: 150
Reviews: 213

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:39 am
dark wrote a review...

I enjoyed this poem. It is very sweet to me and I understand the theme of it.
What struck me the most was you vocabulary! This beautiful poem is a Cyan flower stuck between rise bushes, perfect. You choice of words such as Paradox, condemned, and so on, have really made a stand to day in this poem. You could have out some punctuation, but it's no matter. The poem is fine without it.
~Dark. Fire Flower :)

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18 Reviews

Points: 1443
Reviews: 18

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:34 am
vampyIrishgirl wrote a review...

I like the poem, I do and I am not saying its terrible it is just that I think you could work it some and replace things here and there like for example:
"If I were take no responsibility
To lie in the blazing sun
Ignoring outcries of dismay
Would I be condemned for
just a tiny taste of freedom?" I think you could change it to be a little bit better! I didn't find any grammar mistakes, or spelling errors. and I really do like the poem; I liked that you wrote saying how you are both a women and a girl.

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29 Reviews

Points: 2289
Reviews: 29

Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:32 am
tiggpanda145 wrote a review...

Hello! I really enjoyed this poem-the idea behind it is great and you used some really nice descriptions in there. I really liked 'And life, with its sharp splinters' because, as I mentioned in another poems' review, it is in the sort of style I would write in and the alliteration is quite effective and I just generally like the description.

I think maybe you meant 'If I were TO take no responsibility' not 'If I were take no responsibility' but yeah, I assume you just forgot 'to' by accident.

I really liked your choice of vocabulary too for example 'spewed' and 'sullen'. They fit in with the style and make it flow even more.

Maybe you could add more punctuation although it is pretty good (I am no expert).

Thanks and well done!

tiggpanda145 :D

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