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Late One Night

by sophies36


Lexi sat tucked into the covers of the bed late night reading. She turned a page and let her fingers danced across the smooth pages. As the pages pulled her into their intricate plots, her eyes fell closed and her mind began to play.

As she flew through the pages, words spun around her and hurtled her closer to a dark blackness. She cringed as the darkness swirled around her. Words attacked her as she dove for the dark cloud. As soon as her hand touched the cloud, the words disappeared. Instead a world formed around her like a video game. She immediately recognized the landscape. Standing above the Earth, miles above, Lexi stood on Mount Olympus. She reached down and picked up a sliver of cloud and held it in her hand. Its soft frame bounced and squirmed. Finally, it jumped to her shoulder, running through her dark brown hair. She smiled as it rejoined the group at her feet and bounced around.

The world below her was full of towering building and skyscrapers, reaching up to slice open the sky. Maybe they could steal a star if they reached high enough. But Lexi’s whole world sat below her. She took a breath, realizing she hadn’t been breathing and turned to explore. Many houses crowded along the streets on the clouds. Minor Gods. But Lexi’s wandering mind wasn’t for them. It was for the big guys. As if they knew the way, Lexi’s feet walked in a way almost mapped out in the shimmering street. Suddenly, standing in front of her was a palace. White marbled columns reached up higher than she could see. An arch inspired by the ancient Greeks led way into an entrance. Without pause, Lexi walked through the door.

In front of her lay a grand table, with a green cloth laying along the middle of it. Chalices sat in front of each seat. Gold with red liquid inside. Silver plates sat alongside the chalices. The best for the rich. Lexi thought. But her feet continued walking as they had not reached their final destination. Her eyes marveled at the grand site before he eyes in the next room.

Twelve gorgeous thrones lay around the room with their respective decorations and carvings. As she walked through the rooms, her jaw dropped. She sat in the one decorated with lightning and thunder. Lexi could feel a hum through the chair. Its power rose through her. She closed her eyes, feeling the electricity rush through her.

“Mortal!” a deep voice boomed.

Lexi’s eyes snapped open in time for Zeus, the Greek god of thunder, to storm toward her, literally. Thunder filled the room while fear filled her. The other gods and goddesses stood in the entrance, curious but staying away.

“I-uh-I,” she didn’t have time to finish.

Zeus grabbed the back of her shirt like a dog grabs its puppies by the scruff of their neck. She kicked trying to break free, but his massive hands held her with an iron grip. Storms surrounded her, and she couldn’t see. Suddenly, she was outside. At the edge of the cloud where she had once played, she was now being dangled over the edge.

Zeus’ face stared at her and she felt electricity leaving her.

And then, she was falling. Right off the world. Looking above her, she saw Zeus’ out-stretched hand and Mount Olympus growing further and further away. As she spun through the air, she realized she was going to hit the ground at some point. The thought raced through her like a racecar. Fear shook her body as the New York streets grew closer. When she opened her mouth to scream, no sound came out. Her stomach flew up into her throat as she could see individual people staring at her. Finally as her scream came out, second before the ground, she felt the impact. But different than she expected.

She flew up in bed. Eyes wide open searching the dark room to figure out where she was. Breathing deep, she saw her book on the Greek Gods next to her, open to Zeus’ chapter. She chuckled and closed the book sliding it onto her night stand and laying back down. She closed her eyes not noticing the faint glow on the book on her nightstand as she fell asleep.


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Tue Dec 04, 2018 4:55 am
AmadeusW wrote a review...



Interesting story! I like it.
There are a few things that I thought could use some revision.

First: "Maybe they could steal a star if they reached high enough. But Lexi’s whole world sat below her. She took a breath, realizing she hadn’t been breathing and turned to explore. Many houses crowded along the streets on the clouds. Minor Gods. But Lexi’s wandering mind wasn’t for them. It was for the big guys."

In that quote there are a couple of things. "they" doesn't fit because we don't know who the they is unless you explain what that is referencing. The second sentence I didn't see why or how that made sense to the paragraph. Last two sentences I understood the idea, but I think it could be worded better to make more sense.

Going back a few paragraphs, I thought the use of the word "cringed" didn't seem to go with the content of the sentence.

Now to the end! "The thought raced through her like a racecar." I think you could find something else to replace 'racecar', because you have too many "race"'s in the sentence I think.
When she chuckles, I would have imagined she would have been... gasping, or something. Like "Great Gods Above! That dang book's given me a nightmare!"

That's all! You did a great job!




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Sun Nov 18, 2018 12:21 am
Gnomish wrote a review...



First off, I'd like to say that I liked how you didn't mention that it was a dream anywhere in the middle, and how she didn't see the book glowing on the table. I found it quite clever!

A few things that seemed strange to me though...

"Chalices sat in front of each seat. Gold with red liquid inside. Silver plates sat alongside the chalices."

Those sentences seemed a bit akward to me. I think it would have been better if you had said something like this.

"Silver plates sat alongside gold chalices filled with red liquid."

I don't think it's neccesary to mention that they sat in front of each seats, because I found it kind of obvious.

Also, though I know this is just an editing error, you said "Her eyes marveled at the grand site before he eyes in the next room."

I believe that instead of "site" you meant sight, and you said "he", instead of her.

Overall, I really liked it, though I think you might want to consider changing the title.

Keep writing,
-Gnomish




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Tue Nov 06, 2018 2:20 pm
TheMulticoloredCyr wrote a review...



Hello my fellow writer! I'm here to review what could be a very lovely idea, if only you gave it a few adjustments. Let's talk about those, shall we?

I'll start at the begining and work my way to the end to make things nice and clear.

The first couple paragraphs are all about the same thing, "Lexi sat tucked into the covers of the bed late night reading. As Luci slept beside her, she turned a page and let herself fall into the book. As the pages pulled her into their intricate plots, her eyes fell closed and her mind began to play.

As she flew through the pages, words spun around her and hurtled her closer to a dark blackness. She cringed as the darkness swirled around her. Words attacked her as she dove for the dark cloud. As soon as her hand touched the cloud, the words disappeared. Instead a world formed around her like a video game. She immediately recognized the landscape. Standing above the Earth, miles above, Lexi stood on Mount Olympus. She reached down and picked up a sliver of cloud and held it in her hand. Its soft frame bounced and squirmed. Finally, it jumped to her shoulder, running through her dark brown hair. She smiled as it rejoined the group at her feet and bounced around."

They describe the affect of being rawn into the world of the book. I think you could shorten these paragraphs into one and make the whole thing just a bit smoother. It reads as a little cluncky as is, so a trim on the word count could be a great improvement.

Another side note about that passage was about the inclusion of 'Luci'. This character, whom I am unsure of even the speciese of, is unecessary and could easily be cut out to prevent the little bit of distraction they provide from the main plot. I assume that this character was meant to be a pet of some kind, or maybe a younger sibling, which is all well and good if they serve a purpose of some kind, but they do not. And none of that brings up the simularity between their name and the name of out protagonist, which is rather distracting on its own if you ask me.

Moving on, "The world below her was full of towering building and skyscrapers, reaching up to slice open the sky. Maybe they could steal a star if they reached high enough. But Lexi’s whole world sat below her. She took a breath, realizing she hadn’t been breathing and turned to explore. Many houses crowded along the streets on the clouds. Minor Gods. But Lexi’s wandering mind wasn’t for them. It was for the big guys. As if they knew the way, Lexi’s feet walked in a way almost mapped out in the shimmering street. Suddenly, standing in front of her was a palace. White marbled columns reached up higher than she could see. An arch inspired by the ancient Greeks led way into an entrance. Without pause, Lexi walked through the door."

This paragraph was meant to describe the world Lexi has suddenly found herself in, accrding to my guess, so prehaps you should spend more of your word count providing descriptions rather than trying to be clever with words. It is painfully obvious when a writer stops in the middle of their writing to make a sentence more fancy or wordy in an attempt to impress the readers. Believe me when I tell you the readers are not as impressed as you have been taught to believe they are. Keep your sentences short and to the point, there are times in which being more wordy can help, but here is not the time. Tells me where she is and what she's seeing, don't distract me with five dollar words and clever little tricks.

Onwards we press, my friend!

"Twelve gorgeous thrones lay around the room with their respective decorations and carvings. As she walked through the rooms, her jaw dropped."

You begin by describing a single room that she had found herself in, the throne room of the twelve olympians, I assume, with no mention of any doorways or passages of any kind. Move on past the period and you see that there are now, suddenly, multiple rooms that out protagonist has been making her way through, yet we recive no description of these other rooms, nor any kind of hint that they exist at all before now. This segment could take up much more space and could booth your word count significantly if you ran with the horse you roped.

I think I've talked about that bit enough, let us go on.

"Lexi’s eyes snapped open in time for Zeus, the Greek god of thunder, to storm toward her, literally. Thunder filled the room while fear filled her. The other gods and goddesses stood in the entrance, and curious but staying away."

I'm not going to lie, this is a mess. First, we have Lexi, who has evidently never been here before, nor has she met the gods, identifying Zeus on sight with no prompting what so ever. You could get away with that, however, if you provided a description right here instead of just telling us who it is. Tell us about the lightning crackling in his beard, the way his feet on the stone floor create the cracks of thunder that rattle through Lexi's bones. Furthermore, rather than telling us that the other gods were 'curious but staying away', describe the way Aphrodite looks on through thick black eyelashes, her mouth crooked in a way that told Lexi she wasn't going to step in. Tell me about Dyonysus, with grape vines warpped around his muscular arms as he crossed them on his chest, his head tilted in curiosity as one of the vines grew and wtisted bewteen his fingers. Tell me about Athena, and how she stood stone-faced off to the side, a spear held casually in hand and a sheild strapped to her back. Give me the details a piece like this should have.

Alright, now that I've torn apart those two inconciquntial sentences, let's see what else I can shred...

Okay, next up, the last paragraph.

"She flew up in bed. Eyes wide open searching the dark room to figure out where she was. Breathing deep, she saw her book on the Greek Gods next to her, open to Zeus’ chapter. She chuckled and closed the book sliding it onto her night stand and laying back down. She closed her eyes not noticing the faint glow on the book on her nightstand as she fell asleep."

I would have had her waking up to a clap of thunder, or flash of lightning to tie in reality to the (maybe) dream, first off, and then I would her breathing as 'panting' or 'heaving', even, rather than just 'breathing deep' to allow for some more interesting varriety in the word choices. After that I would have her 'close her eyes and focus on breathing for a few seconds. Breath in. Breath out. Inhale. Exhale. The last exhale whistled between her teeth, and with it left the last of the chill that lingered in her spine. She opened her eyes. Just a dream. It was just a dream. She closed her eyes once more and lay back in her bed. But as Lexi burrowed beneath the covers, she failed to notice the faint glow of the book, still lying open on her nightstand." or something along those lines.

But that's all how I would do it, you shouldn't consider me any kind of expert. I have no professionally published work, and no really sucessful unprofessionally published works, so my resume is not exactly stellar. Heed my advice, don't, I'm not particularly bothered either way, and I don't think you should be either. Writing, at the end of the day, is about fun, so have as much as possible. Don't convert your whole draft into my style based purely on what I said here. You pick and choose what bits you like and don't like and go through for an edit based on that. After all, you deserve to have your own work reflect your own personal style to the point of near-perfection. You deserve to look back on this one day and maybe not cringe as hard as you would otherwise (let's face it, we all cringe at our old work, no matter how much we have or hanvn't improved).

So, yeah. I hope you enjoyed this review, and that you didn't take it too harshly. I really did enjoy your work, I can just go on for days about anything and everyhting, especially things realting to my hobbies/school work (that second half makes more sence if you know how my AWESOME school works).

Bye, bye now, see you next time!




sophies36 says...


thank you so much for the review! this will definetly help me improve! :)



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Tue Nov 06, 2018 1:32 am
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FireSpyGirl says...



This is really good!




sophies36 says...


thank you!



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Tue Nov 06, 2018 1:30 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi Shikora here with a review.

I really liked reading this story. I liked the beginning it gets it hooked right away. I also liked the title to this story. Very interesting indeed. I really liked the way you ended the story. Not how I thought it would play out. I really like it that you've put more description in this story. I had a really good image in my head when I was reading it.
But I would like to say is that there is one part I think needs a little more.

Lexi sat tucked into the covers of the bed late night reading. As Luci slept beside her, she turned a page and let herself fall into the book. As the pages pulled her into their intricate plots, her eyes fell closed and her mind began to play.

It just need a few touches, like how did the book feel in her hands when she turned to page. What did her sister look like. So I'm going to rewrite this and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Lexi sat tucked into the warm covers of the bed late night reading. As Luci slept beside her, her breathing quit and calming, she turned a page, the paper under her finger tips felt smooth as she let herself fall into the book. As the pages pulled her into their intricate plots, her eyes fell closed and her mind began to play.

This was just a small example. I hope you got what I was trying to tell you. I also have another tip that i can share with you, it is one I use all the time. I say these words to my self when I write so I no I need to add some of them in. Smell, sight, sound and touch. Just keep these in mind and it will help you become a better writer.

Well that's all from me. I really liked reading this and reviewing it for you. Never stop wring and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D




sophies36 says...


Thank you so much! The little rewrite is amazing! I did not think about putting in the page texture but I%u2019ll definitely put that in!





Your welcome. And you don't have to do that, I was just showing you what I meant. But you can if you want.




Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan