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Shine-Chapter 2!

by sophies36


The cell they put me in is many words.

Small. Quiet. Blank. Peaceful.

One it isn't is home. Happy.

No matter what I try, I can’t make the square happy. I can’t make myself satisfied here. I can feel It snickering at me from deep within. I tell the others here about it and they chuckle.

"You're crazy.” One says, laughing.

The others say things about me. Some I hear and some I don’t. but the most I hear say I’m crazy. Unlike the others. Mentally unstable. The one word they don’t say is guilty. They don’t say anything about that day. If I say something, they shush me and hand me a glass of water with a pill. I don’t know what it is, but it makes my head feel heavy and I usually sleep for a while after. Sometimes when I wake up, I pretend to sleep for a while to listen to them. They talk a lot of what I’ve said about It. It's prowling inside me. I feel them trying to break the surface. If they break free now, it doesn’t matter. I’ve caused enough damage. A man starts coming everyday to listen to my thoughts. He says he’s a mental recovery occupation. A therapist. I tell the man all this and he writes it down and leaves. He comes everyday to ask about It. I tell him about it. He writes it down and leaves. Everyday.

One day, three men come in. They tell me I have a trial, which I knew, but I didn’t know I was pleading guilty. They want me to plead insanity and be sent to a mental hospital if all goes well. If all goes well. What a funny set of words. Meaning that they are hoping because they can’t secure this is. I could be sent to jail. They tell me this on the way to the court house. My hands hurt from the handcuffs. I don’t remember them being put on but they’re there, so I must be going crazy.

I know I’m crazy. I’m the boy who went bad. The boy who broke families without knowing it. I didn’t do it! When I tell the men It should be going, not me, they look at me and talk to someone in the front. A couple minutes later, they hand me a cup of water and a pill. I swallow the pill and gulp down the water. My head feels like a brick and I slouch against the door letting the darkness take over.

˚˚˚

The trials today. I shouldn’t have gone. But when I stepped through the threshold of the entrance, I stopped and turn around. I walked back outside. I walked two minutes back to my car. I stepped in and turned the key. The gas pedal wouldn’t go down. I tried to push it, but it wouldn’t move. I couldn’t leave. I had to stay here longer. I got up and closed the door this time sure I was going to the trial. I hate this.

As soon as I sat down, I knew something was wrong. The jury talked in whispers to each other and the lawyer from the other side started crying. What had I missed?

The next hour was a blur. The defendant wanted him jailed. They said he was a menace, a terror. His lawyer sat quietly not objecting to it.

He looked like he was in a different world. I wish I was away from here.

When the defendants lawyer finished, his lawyer got up and pleaded insanity and asked for him to be sent to a mental rehabilitation center. He didn’t react. He already knew this.

“Levi Grayden do you understand the consequences of this.” The judge pressed.

He stood up a bit shaky, “Yes Ma’am.” His voice was soft, smooth, not a serial killers voice. “I understand what will happened.

Guards grabbed his shoulders and lead him out. I wish I could leave this mess as easily as he did.

After a while, I’m the only one in the room. It was silent except for the hum of the air conditioner above me. Its silent. I hate it. The silence hurts my ears. I scream to break it.

An officer comes in and shoos me out. While walking back to my car, I looked up mental rehabilitation centers nearby. I know he isn’t crazy. There’s something that just isn’t crazy. I have to talk to him.


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804 Reviews


Points: 31662
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Sun Dec 30, 2018 6:27 am
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey sophies,

Shady here with a review for you this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Red Team! My style tends to be to go through and comment on things (both positive and negative!) as I'm reading, and then to give a general overview at the end. Let's get started...

The cell they put me in is many words.

Small. Quiet. Blank. Peaceful.


I really like how you opened this chapter. It's got a simple but meaningful feel to it, and you did a really nice job of building up the insanity or at least alleged insanity of your character in the following paragraphs. You have a lot of emotion and depth packed into a few short lines, and it's something you did very well.

I stepped through the threshold of the entrance, I stopped and turn around. I walked back outside. I walked two minutes back to my car.


Wait, what? I don't understand what's happening here. If he's in a cell shouldn't he have a police escort? Why are they just letting him leave?

... Okay... upon reading further, I realize that after the line is a new character. I would try to make that a bit clearer, if I was you. You could even have a character tag at the change, so that it's clearer. It's just a bit confusing since they're both written in first person. I thought the line break was a time lapse, not a change of character, so it was quite confusing at first.

~ ~ ~

Okay! Overall, this was a great chapter! I really love all the mystery and intrigue you've wrapped up in such a short amount of space. You did a really good job of capturing the chilling part of the serial killer in the first part of the chapter. I'm a bit confused as to who the second character is and what his role is.

But overall this was an excellent bit of writing! Keep it up!

~Shady 8)




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Tue Nov 06, 2018 12:06 am
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Clairia wrote a review...



Hi there, Sophie!! I really liked reading/reviewing your first chapter of Shine, so I'm here to leave ya another review for Chapter Two!
(I'm gonna be trying to keep up with this story, if time allows <3)
Let's jump right into the review!

The cell they put me in is many words.
Small. Quiet. Blank. Peaceful.
One it isn't is home. Happy.

I LOVED this beginning. I was instantly drawn in. The description was just enough to be satisfying, and it wasn't vague at all. I liked it a lot. The simplicity of it was actually fantastic, because it matched up with what you portrayed earlier in the story (chapter one) and though the chapter before didn't quite meet up to that "just right" bar, this one certainly did. Great work.

No matter what I try, I can’t make the square happy. I can’t make myself satisfied here. I can feel It laughing at me from deep within. I tell the others here about it and they laugh.
"You're crazy.” One says, laughing.

The beginning bit of this (From "No matter what I try" to "I can't make myself satisfied here") I really liked, as I did the very start of this chapter. It was just a very nice way to continue the first thought. Unfortunately, though, it began to go downhill from there. You used "laughed/laugh" a grand total of three times, which I'm going to have to shake my head at. There is a grand variety of other words that mean "laughed" that you could have used. Some are the following:
-Chuckle/chuckled
-Sneer/Sneered
-Giggle/giggled
And many more. The internet is a great source for finding words that are similar to the ones you're wanting to use in order to not repeat them.

Its prowling inside me.

"Its" should be "it's", as in "it is".

I tell the man all this and he writes it down and leaves. He comes everyday to ask about It. I tell him about it. He writes it down and leaves. Everyday.

I had a few minor issues with this bit. First:
1. Why wasn't this "man" (presumably a therapist of some sort) introduced before? It seemed when you brought him in so suddenly that the story was thrown off. Was the character talking to the man the whole time? Why was this not made clear earlier? It just felt too sudden and unannounced to flow with the rest of the piece well.
2. You capitalize "It" in the sentence "He comes everyday to ask about It", and not in the next sentence. It's possible you just made a typo or simply forgot to do it, but if you're going to make the choice, stick to it.

...they are hoping because they can’t secure this is.

I think you made a typo here.

My head feels like a brick and I slouch against the door letting the darkness take over.

You missed some commas. The sentence should actually look like this:
"My head feels like a brick, and I slouch against the door, letting the darkness take over."
You could also have made the choice to split this sentence, like this:
"My head feels like a brick. I slouch against the door, letting the darkness take over."

Quick side note
I noticed that you switched from present tense to past tense briefly in this piece. Be careful to know what tense you want to put in place for your story and monitor it closely. Mistakes can slip through editing, but just make sure to be wary.

The trials today. I shouldn’t have gone. But when I stepped through the threshold of the entrance, I stopped and turn around.

Just a few minor spelling errors:
"Trials" should have been "Trial's"
"Turn" should have been "turned" OR "stopped" should have been "stop". You switched tenses here. Either that, or you didn't proofread that well, which is fine. Just make sure to do that in the future.

I walked two minutes back to my car. I stepped in and turned the key. The gas pedal wouldn’t go down. I tried to push it, but it wouldn’t move. I couldn’t leave. I had to stay here longer. I got up and closed the door this time sure I was going to the trial. I hate this.

I thought our protagonist was in custody? This confused me quite a bit.

Most of my other issues with this chapter were just spelling/grammatical errors.
Well done! You're definitely moving forward.
Can't wait to see what you post next!

Arden




sophies36 says...


I just fixed some of the early mistake but the walking back to car is actually a different person. I%u2019m going to try to make that more clear but thank you for pointing that out!



Clairia says...


Of course!! Keep writing <3




Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg