One never knows what could happen in a graveyard.
Ever since I was young, I remember frequenting the local graveyard nearly every day. Sometimes with my father or my mother, and other times all alone, I'd wander in its depths, discovering a new area every day.
A cemetery is considered an unusual place for a child to wander. Morbid, perhaps even sinister. Keeping death always one's mind is not a usual way to live, surely. But it was not a bad way for me. I enjoyed looking at the different stories that are carved on the cold marble. Families bought large plots of land for themselves, with epitaphs such as "Loving Mother" and "Our darling baby."
Tales of the past lay hidden in a cemetery. Here, a child was born and died the same day. There, a mother and newborn babe share a grave. Here an eight-year-old girl lays at rest. Here, a fifteen-year-old boy was put into the ground. How did it happen? One can't help but wonder.
When I grew up and came to the age where dreams of romance and adventure overtake childish dreams of ponies and candy, I didn't stop coming to the cemetery. Instead, I wandered the rough cement paths, imagining who I could meet with there. What a romantic place to find my true love.
A scene replayed in my head as I surveyed the familiar gravestone that represented a brave soldier who died in combat. Myself, wandering through the tall marble slabs that rise above the smooth grass. A young woman coming towards me. We would meet in the middle and laugh a little at the strangeness of wandering in a graveyard. We would continue to have chance encounters after that, at first only in the cemetery; then later in the grocery store; then again in a coffee shop. Friendship would slowly blossom into love.
Other scenes unfolded in my mind as well. One, I remember, began once again with me wandering in the cemetery. I would see a stooped, frail figure kneeling in front of a small, humble gravestone. Dainty blue flowers fall from a withered hand to the base of the stone, and tears run down a wrinkled cheek. I would walk forward - it is an old woman mourning the loss of her husband. It was so many years ago, but she still visits his grave every week and mourns him, and puts fresh flowers on his small stone monument. I would comfort her, and we would become friends. I would help her recover from the grief of her husband's loss, and attend her funeral when she joined the angels.
I still wander there, laughing at my dreams, yet hoping against hope that my dull, ordinary life will somehow exceed my expectations and send an extraordinary event into my life. I know it won't happen. I know it's impossible. I know things like that only take place in books.
But then, one never really knows what could happen in a graveyard.
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139,273 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Very nice! I like it a lot... and can relate, in fact, seeing as I live next to a graveyard and have for all my life. But anyway, back to topic: I definitely agree with the things Myth said. You should keep them in mind. I have a crit to add to hers:
This didn't go smoothly for me. Change it to "Morbid, perhaps even sinister." That shouldn't mess up your word count.
Delete the comma. You have a habit (as do I) of too much punctuation. You don't have the semi-colon addiction I do, but it may develop in time.
Make it either "one" or "I" rather than "you." "You" sounds awkward.
First sentence:"Romance and love" is repetitive. If you weren't on a word count, I'd tell you to delete the "and love" but since you are, try to pick a different word... "adventure" perhaps? It changes the meaning slightly, but for the better, I think.
Second sentence: "...imagining who I could meet."? I realize that messes up your perfect 500, so maybe not that exactly, but work with making the phrasing a little more natural.
Third sentence: "My true love" would work better.
Again, the unnecessary commas... tsk tsk tsk.
Try making it "I know it won't happen; I know it's impossible. I know things like that only take place in books." Oh dear, there I go encouraging the sami-colon... it could be just me and my addiction, but I think it fits here.
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I love the last line!
Wow, that story about the old woman really makes me relate... but anyway, I'm not here to talk about MY graveyard, I'm here to talk about YOURS!
It's a beautiful piece. I have only one major comment: If you could rework it a bit to add more description that would be really good, but it would also be really hard with still keeping the word count.
About "engraven"... You should change it. Either to "engraved" or (as Ginger Lizzy said) to another word all together.
Good luck with the contest!!!
~Azila
Your story had a very weird tone to it. Not in a bad way. But in a good way. I had this almost unsettling feeling. Probably because the whole time I was wondering what an interesting hobby, walking through a cemetery and imagining situations that could happen to oneself in a cemetery.
The wondering how they died rang true with myself. I've often wondered that when I'm in cemeteries, and I actually walk home through one everyday and go running there in the mornings lol. Overall it was very good.
Myth caught all the mistakes I was going to mention. The only thing I see differently is the 'sometimes' portion. This could be seen as repetition or parallelism which are used often in other literary works to create a certain effect. If you didn't mean/use it this way though then I would change it because then it just seems amateurish.
This was good! most of the suggestions I would have made have already been pointed out. But this felt realistic and it flowed well. I like the way you switched from imagining something, to describing something that actually happened, without making me get confused. I liked it.
I have nothing much to say really.
[echoes most of the things that have been outlined by Myth]
I enjoyed reading this and thought that the idea was strange, but altogether pleasing. The word engraven puzzled me a little and I think you should perhaps use another word in this matter, as it made me stop completely and think; Whaaa?
Other than that, good work and I also think that the title fits in well, and it sounds good. No need to change it there I don't think.
I enjoyed reading this, an insight into somwhere I rather don't like to go hehe. Myth pointed out all the issues that I could see, so I won't try to go into anything like that.
I did quite like this, it seems a good addition to the competition. Good Luck.
*hearts* Le Penguin. Wench Capt'n.
Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review
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I know a lot of people use this but it should be ‘young’, especially if the narrator, in this case, is an adult/young adult and ‘small’ is something a child would use.
Just a suggestion to avoid repetition: Sometimes with my mother or father, and other times alone [...] You’ll think of something better.
Also, see quote.
Correction: one’s
Regarding your note: engraven is a word but it just doesn’t sound right. You could try engraved but it is up to you.
Repetition only works sometimes. You could change one ‘here’ to ‘there’.
Something not quite right in the last part. Rather: [...] what I would see each new day. Or something else: [...] who I would meet today.
You get the idea.
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I have never been to a cemetery before, they creep me out but I’m really interested in them nonetheless.
This was more like a sketch, with a whole bunch of tales inside just waiting to be told. The man and the old woman for example.
At first, and I think it still does, the narrator came to me as a young man. He might be a she but I doubt that since there was no way of telling.
I loved this part most of all:
Don’t know why I just do.
Myth