Hey Sokool - as requested, quite happy to look over it more fastidiously. ^_^
You have a nice sense of pacing on sentences; well-varied, especially for the first paragraph.
People have everything except that which they want most, so they give up everything they do have to get the thing they don't have which they want the most, but when they finally get it they realize that it wasn't so very great after all.
Saying what is, without a doubt, known - but with such circuitous circumvention, it evokes Jack Sparrow. ^_~ Most often, I'd avoid the lengthy in anything light-hearted. Only here you've kept it moving with brief words and silliness; works well. ^_^
To summarize, King Disaster and Queen Dooma did not have a child. This was no great tragedy, because they had only been married for a year. However, when that entire year passed without a sign of a baby, Queen Dooma over reacted.
Over reacted -- ought to be -- overeacted.
But on that point, 'overeacted' is a bit flat. You might want to either 1) make it obvious understatement (example: Dooma rather overeacted, if doing [ blank mad inanity] could be called simply overeacting) or 2) describe precisely what she did do?
So before she'd even give herself enough time to settle down into her newly married life, she began to call for the court fairies and magicians to help her out.
You may want to clear the above up, on tense and precision. Try it like this?
So before she had even [i]given herself [s]enough[/s] time to settle down into her newly married life, she began to call for the court fairies and magicians [s]to help her out.[/s]
Final remark doubles what's implied - of course they're needed to 'help her out'.
'Enough' tends to repeat back on 'even'.
None of them would, although they each declined as politely as they could.
Somehow, the sentence is terribly amusing. I've a picture of the frazzled queen staggering into fairies' quarters or the magicians' tower, and looking so mad they all jump and mumble hopelessly confused courtesies saying no. ^_^
"Oh, no, Honored Queen, I couldn't help you. Knowing my spells, your baby would turn up with blue hair or something!"
As a title, 'honored' really ought to be 'Honored' (capital). I like the 'polite excuse' though. ^_^
Or in another case, "My lady, my magic is temporarily gone from a particularly taxing magical experiment I'm doing."
Perhaps, especially in the above, adding some spoke eccentricity would give these outbursts more hilarity and more character? Does he say 'um'? Is he saying it smoothly, while knocking things off his table? Like as not, merely adding some punctuation for pauses, or 'er', 'um'? Suggestion - they're all right at the moment as well. ^_^
The excuses went on and on. Finally, after the exhaustingly fruitless time period of one and a half years, one particularly old fairy agreed to help the queen.
She's been beggin magical personages for a YEAR andm ore for help with her baby problems? Oy. That would be exhausting. Has she driven the palace mad yet?
The queen sighed. "Oh. It's a daughter? Must it be a daughter?"
The old fairy looked at her for a moment, sharp eyes twinkling. "Yes. My ability is not to help you bear a child, but to see the future. And I see that within the next year, you will bear a child. Just live your normal life, my child, and you'll do fine."
The queen sighed again, this time happily. "Oh, good. If I bear a child naturally, there won't be any complications. No nasty curses and whatnot. Thank you, dear Fairy!"
The fairy grinned. "Oh, call me Meg, please."
Amusing dialogue. But watch your tendency to begin each paragraph and remark with one of the character's actions - it's a bit noticeable the third or fourth time. ^_^
Trouble started, though, when the baby began to talk. Her first word, lisped out in a cute baby voice, was "Why?" Her first phrase was, "How come?"
Ah, I've heard quite a few babies - five younger siblings and all that. But they all have different sorts of voices, if most of them (not all) were charming. What does her voice sound like?
The baby princess may have been cute, but she certainly was talkative. She never stopped asking questions.
A bit awkward, especially in transition from the last. Perhaps -
The baby princess was undoubtably cute, but she was even more talkative. She never stopped talking; and all she talked were questions.
Something like that?
No one complained to the king and queen, of course, because to do so would mean immediate punishment. But she pestered the life out of everyone.
The punishment could be an amusing side-note. But 'pestered the life out...' etc. comes as repetition of what's been said and clutters the narrative, I think.
The queen had named her 'Despair Destruction Derelict Doomsday of Detrimental,' but all the fancy names soon disappeared under the prevalent nickname: Why-baby.
Prevalent? Ah, well - it does imply it became rather more common than her proper name. But maybe something like 'inescapable' would be more precise?
Why-baby is hilarious though. Just imagining the palace staff murmuring behind their hands - O heavens, it's Why-baby coming along. Look busy! Don't let her talk.... Even funnier knowing too many kids who are quite like that. ^_^
I won't even tell you what poor Queen Dooma tried to answer to this question. Or any of the questions that followed it.
The narrator's abrupt interjection is a little jarring. You may want to keep to third-person without omniscient remarks. ^_^ So, rather than what you have above, describe the Queen's loss for words?
...something along those lines?The Queen grasped uselessly at what seemed even more useless sounds in face of Why-baby's implacable questions.
Let's just say that everyone was fed up of the word 'why' and by the time Princess Why-baby was seven years old, none would have mourned had she gone suddenly and inexplicably mute.
Ha - mute. ^_^ If you'd like to keep the 'Let's just say...' I think you can manage it. But the mute bit would and will fit regardless.
This sad and frustrating state of affairs continued for some time, the entire castle [s]becoming [/s]like a huge kettle, put on to slowly simmer. And you know what happens with simmering. Usually, it starts to boil over, and if you don't let off some steam, it sometimes blows up completely.
More narrator's talking and explaining. You might strike the adjectives at the beginning entirely - they're shown easily enough. And try it sans 'becoming' which is a helping verb that may not need to help anything along there.
One young nobleman of the court saw the way things were going, and knew that soon the kettle of the court was going to overflow. He thought perhaps he should help out the king and queen. So he sat in his rooms day after day, night after night, for an entire week, trying to think of a way to help that didn't involve killing or maiming the princess.
You've done a neat enough job so far of giving the characters fairy tale characterisations, at least, and in a few words. ^_^ It's nicely done - names do it; "Why-baby" naturally, is characterised in just that. But I wonder if this young nobleman might be given some character? Currently, he's faceless and a bit undefined mentally as well.
If he sees things about to blow, why doesn't he slip out to avoid the explosion? If he thinks it's his duty, well, that would characterise his attitude, merely mentioning it. Is he somewhat hapless? A distant cousin? Fond of Why-baby despite himself?
Again the though, the quiet understatement of 'trying to think of a way...that didn't involve killing or maiming...' is more than funny. ^_^
Finally, he had it. "Ah, I finally have it!" he cried and, grabbing his sweeping crimson cloak, he dashed inside to the king and queen. "I have it," he cried ecstatically. "Finally!"
The queen slowly looked him over. "What, pray, is it, that you finally have?"
The young nobleman looked at her as if she were stupid, which is never a good way to look at a queen. "The answer, of course!"
The king snorted irritably. "The answer to what?"
The young nobleman looked at them both blankly. "The question."
"What is the question?" asked the king and queen together.
The actual exchange, divorced from any narrative description, is another example of the quirky, circuitous silliness. ^_^
Notice though, you're beginning your dialogue again with action, nearly every time.
The nobleman grinned smugly. "Because."
"Because what?" the king and queen asked together excitedly.
"Just because."
The queen looked at the king and nodded. The king nodded back. The nobleman nodded at both of them. They nodded to him. Then they all shared a secret, triumphant smile.
...more amusement. Switch-up adjectives though, if you can. 'Triumphant' and 'excited' appear quite a bit. 'Smug' was a nice break from that. See if you might put something similar or more pointed in the place of the others?
"B-because what?" Stammered the princess, really worried now.
'Stammered' ought to begin in lower-case.
There was complete silence for a moment, then everyone answered together.
Ach, 'answered' is such a drab word for an entire court, elated and amused and perhaps still perplexed themselves, screaming at Why-baby. Could they roar? Shout? Bellow?
The princess ran out through the double doors and everyone grinned at each other, knowing that there would never be more trouble with the princess.
...these anonymous courtiers are doing a lot things 'at each other' and 'together'. You want to drop that addition; it does tell what anyone would guess. ^_^
And they were right. The princess never again asked impossible questions that she knew no one could answer, because they gave her no more satisfaction. After all, what's the use of trying to confuse someone unless they're [s]actually[/s] confused? And how much worse is it when you end up being the confused one?
Though a bit telling, it does fit the fairy tale tone. (I'd drop 'actually', it being a bit superfluous and obscuring 'confused'.)
And that's the end of this tale. Why is it the end, you ask? While you're at it, why don't you ask why I ever started telling it? I'll give you the answer, and you know what it'll be.
Just because.
Well, have to end on 'Because'. ^_^ Very apt ending, light and full-circle sort of thing; and all in all, it's a great piece.
IMP
Points: 10092
Reviews: 459
Donate