Young Writers Society

Some people aren't able to separate truth from fiction.

I'm sure you have all heard the story of the Princess and the Pea. I had not read it until very recently, and when I did, I must confess I had a hard time trying to stop laughing before I choked. It was ridiculous! How could people believe such a story? I am no uninformed sceptic of fairy tales and legends, believe me. I believe in things most people haven't even heard of.

I don't believe that particular story simply because I was there, and I know just what happened. There was no pea. There never was a pea. But wait...I'll explain. It will take but a moment of your time, and your eyes will be opened to the truth. You'll just have to trust me as I tell you my side of the story.

***

First of all, let me tell you right up front that I am not human. Far from it. In fact, some of my kind think it an insult to have our names and the word 'human' in the same sentence.

The reason I became involved with humans in the first place is because of my appearance. I belong to the race of Peolies. We are very, very small. About the size, in fact, of a large green pea. We wear very rumpled clothing that blends in with the grass and bark around us, and our hair and skin are rough and leathery and...green. Being mistaken for a pea is such a humbling experience that it's really too bad it has to happen so often for us Peolies.

Because we are so small, not many humans actually know we exist. We live on the forest floor and can move very quickly, whisking underneath leaves or pretending to be a speck of dirt. That is why I was so surprised when Prince Charlie came seeking my assistance.

That day I was sweeping my front porch and humming quite loudly to myself when I felt a shadow come over me. I had just enough time to squeak fearfully and curl up into a little ball when I was picked up between two large fingers and dropped into the palm of what I knew could be none other than a human hand.

"Are you a Peolie?" The voice boomed loud in my head. I put my hands over my ears, screaming in anguish.

"Not so loud!" I shouted up towards the large, ugly, peach-colored face that was staring down at me.

"I have something to ask of you, sir." The voice came again, softer this time, and I relaxed in relief. It appeared that this particular human was not about to boil me for dinner or crush me to see what my insides looked like.

"And what is that?" I shouted as loudly as I could. He brought his hand up to his ear and I tumbled about in his palm, roughly jarred and shaken. "Please stop moving your hand! It's very uncomfortable. Now what do you want me to do for you?" I shouted into his very large, hairy pink ear.

"I need your help. I am Prince Charles of Snitonia. I am in love with a beautiful maiden, but my mother won't let me marry anyone but who she deems a true princess."

I whistled in surprise, shaking my head. "How does one measure the trueness of princess-ship? Isn't that sort of objective? More of a matter of opinion?"

Prince Charles laughed softly, but I still felt the trembling in his hand that started to shake me up again. "My mother came up with a stupid scheme: the princess who is so sensitive that a small pea slipped under her mattress at night would cause her discomfort - is a true princess."

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "You can't expect me to go in there and be a pea for you. I'd get crushed!"

"Oh, I wouldn't put you in at first. First I'd put in a real pea. Then, after the princess is asleep, you sneak in there and pinch her all over until she's black and blue. In the morning the queen will go to inspect the pea to make sure no trickery was involved. You'll just hide away in a corner, then you can go home."

I scratched my head. "I wouldn't come to any harm?"

"Cross my heart," said Prince Charles, drawing two lines across his chest.

"Very well. Just because I have a weakness for romance," I replied crossly. "What's my reward?"

He frowned. "What would you want?"

I thought for a moment, then smiled. "I want to go down in history as the first Peolie to make a deal with humans. Make this little fiasco into a story, have someone write it down, and I'll do it for you."

Prince Charles grinned broadly. "Done!"

He tucked me carefully in his pocket and I used my sharp teeth to chew a hole in the fabric so I could peer out. The world of humans was amazingly large and extremely ugly. Everything was in bright, garish colors and even the baby humans were two hundred times my size. A very garrulous lot, who told jokes far too much and laughed far too loudly.

I survived the day by clutching the prince's pocket very hard so as not to get jostled too much, and I stuffed balls of cloth into my ears. I even got to see the girl that Prince Charles loved. She really wasn't so great. Just big and pink, like all humans.

That night, everything went according to plan. The prince slipped me into the princess's chamber and I climbed up the tall pile of mattresses until I reached her huge body. The hot, tiring, hungry day with the humans had left me with a raging headache and a grumbling stomach, so I was only too eager to do some damage to this princess. I set to do my work with gusto.

The princess slapped and scratched, tossed and turned, moaned and groaned, but I never let up. I merely chuckled quietly to myself and ran over her body lightly, pinching, biting, kicking and jumping. There wasn't a place on the poor girl's body that wasn't covered with a bruise or scratch. I felt sorry for the poor girl, but I was just doing my job. She didn't get a wink of sleep, and finally at dawn, she rose and opened the window, her face dark with anger. I climbed carefully down from the mattress and watched as the queen and Prince Charles entered the room.

"Princess? Whatever has happened to you?" The queen sounded worried. Prince Charles was looking around for me, but I scampered out of the room as fast as I could. As I left I heard the princess begin to rant about not being able to sleep a wink. In the palace gardens I found a butterfly who was willing to give me a ride back to my home.

It was easy to settle back into my normal life after my encounter with humans. It had left me with an even greater distaste of their marriage habits, lifestyle, and appearance. However I did look forward to seeing the name 'Peolie' in print when the prince kept his promise and made it into a story.

So the other day I was at a Peolie book store, where they sell books that have been resized for smaller creatures, and I saw a new title on the shelf: 'The Princess and the Pea.' I bought it in a heartbeat, took it home and read it straight through.

I found a lot in there about peas, and absolutely nothing about Peolies. First I was insulted, then angry, then extremely amused. In the end, I decided that if I wanted my story told, I would simply tell it myself. So here I am. And let me just repeat emphatically that if my experience with humans taught me anything, it taught me this: if you are ever in the woods and see a small green lump, first call it a Peolie, then call it a pea. A pea can't be offended at anything, but Peolie will be very offended at being mistaken for a pea.

And being mistaken for a pea is such a humbling experience. Try it sometime and see how much you like it.