Excerpt from the journal of a fifteen-year-old girl.
9-6-07
Tonight I watched the pupils of my eyes.
In the bright bathroom light, they were strangely large and dominated the golden-brown rings around them. Then I switched off the light, waited a moment, and flipped it back on again. Immediately the huge black pupils shrank to less than half their original size. Then, pulsating in and out quickly, the black slowly came forward until once again it covered most of my eye.
It reminded me of a wild animal, just getting comfortable in your presence...until you startle it by changing your position abruptly. It flees, frightened, and will continue fleeing until you change back to your original position. Then the animal stops, and slowly begins to creep back towards you, it's heart still racing, whites of it's eyes showing at it glares at you warily, nose quivering with quick, frightened breaths. At last it's fright subsides and it climbs to your lap again.
I'd like to think that it was a strange phenomenon. What my eyes do, I mean. I've never heard of the pupil of one's eye pulsating in such a manner. But it is, I'm sure, merely another case of my unintelligence raising it's large, far-too-often-seen head and allowing me to pretend that I know something about eye behavior.
I am not the type of person who would have unusual eyes. I am more the kind of person who would believe myself to have unusual eyes, when in fact they are rather small, and quite a bit below average.
My dramatic nature lends itself too easily to my usually-pragmatic train of thought and leads it down the road - or train track, as the case may be - of imagination to the train station of erroneous conclusion.
I am amusing myself with this strange metaphor, but enough is enough. A little goes a very long way, as far as metaphors are concerned. If metaphor is even the correct term. That's what brought my 'A' down to an 'A-' on one of my tests, you know. Unable to keep straight the difference between metaphor, analogy and simile. Perhaps I should put something of the sort on my tombstone.
"Anologies and metaphors were all the same to her."
Hmm. Not very catchy, but unfortunately accurate.
Since tonight I seem to have devoted myself to random musings on unrelated subjects...
I wonder what it's like to be in love. It seems so wonderful, yet a terrible torture at the same time. I wonder if I'll ever be in love. If so, I wonder with whom? Every once in a while my romantic, impractical nature takes control of rational thought and makes me dream of a handsome gentleman, gallant and lighthearted. Usually, on a more modern note, he has a sexy English accent.
Then my old pragmatic self jerks me back down and tells me with cruel, precise accuracy that if I'm lucky enough to have someone fall in love with me, it'll be some guy I've known all my life and don't love back, or a creepy, strange man who's obsessed with fat girls.
I can't figure out whether I'm an optimist or a pessimist. Perhaps my opinions swing on a wide, extreme scale from one to the other, depending on my mood.
I must get some sleep. An early, busy morning lies far too close for comfort. Goodnight!
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140,268 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I really loved your narration. I think you very realistically captured the essence of what it feels like to be fifteen. I loved how despite the structure to her thoughts, they seem to go on and on without any clear direction or purpose. If you intended this to be just what the title says its about, then I think you hit the nail. However, if you meant this as a part of something bigger, then it does not really hold that much purpose because then the musings in this entry feel a little pointless.
Usually, I am all in for abstract pieces that do not serve to convey a greater purpose. I enjoy mindless ramblings as it often tells us a lot more about a person's psychology and goes on inside their head than structured paragraphs do. I think a journal contains the words that come most honestly from a person's heart. Because even when they are speaking, people usually filter their thoughts and say inly what they think they should. However, there is no requirement for such formalities when it comes to journaling. They pen down their most honest and raw thoughts without the fear of judgement hanging over them.
That is why journal entries often contain ramblings that people may not feel comfortable to speak out loud in the real world in front of other judgemental ears. However, in this case I thought the ramblings about the narrator's eyes extended for far too long. I could understand her fascination at the effect on her eyes when they are dilated, but it just seemed to take up too much space in the narration. Its not that they weren't interesting, I just think if you cut down on them a bit, then there would have been more space to include her thoughts on other topics as well. Th entire part about the eyes seems to overshadow the rest of the entry.
This quoted sentence is too lengthy and wordy. In fact, there were several parts of the text that were too descriptive. You put many adjectives and adverbs so close to one another in a single sentence that it makes it a little difficult for the readers to read through the entire sentence without feeling stuffed for breath. If you go through the entire piece, you will be able to pick out several such instances like this one where you go a little overboard with your words. If it had been a story or a novel then it might still have been alright. But usually, people do not use such flowery language while penning down their thoughts. They have nothing to prove to their journals.
However, I loved the fact that the narrator tried to justify her dramatic nature by being more dramatic. It is very typical of a teenager and I really love how realistic she sounds in the narration.
I loved this part, especially because it is such a natural course of thought for a fifteen year old girl. Her thoughts feel more natural and real here, because we see the underlying concern and insecurities hidden behind her calm words and observations. I liked the nonchalance with which you portrayed them, but I liked her musings all the same and wish you had expanded on this or on some other topic. I just feel that this part was a lot more personal and it gave us a deeper idea about the narrator than the entire part at the beginning.
Overall, this was a really beautiful piece and thank you for sharing it!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Hey kool!
All right, I'm going to be completely and bluntly honest with you: I didn't see any point to this piece. At all. To me, it was a ramble of disconnected thoughts that veered off on random subjects...you even mentioned that in the narrative! When you see that, you know there's something wrong. (You already know it cause you wrote it, so, ask yourself, what's the point of the piece?)
First of all, you had the double syndrome--that is, for every noun (at least almost), you described it with two adjectives. Some people have this tendency to do that with adjectives (whether it be in triples, singles, etc.), and if it's noticeable, it could use a second look. Try varying it a little, and in several instances, see if one will suffice. Don't be afraid to be poetic, but not to a flowery, overemphatic extent.
The part about the eyes really bothered me. It dragged out way too long, and frankly, I skimmed through that part the second time I read it because I didn't see any point in all the description. You're story starts when she wonders what love is. Start there, cut out all the extra gunk beforehand (Remember, novelists often cut out the first hundred or so pages of their novels before they even begin to revise!), and add in the eye similes/metaphors later. It'll tie in better together.
Also, the detail about the test seemed pointless. Unless it has something to do with your story, or even just adds to it, you shouldn't include it. I'd cut this one out if I were you.
Lastly, I noticed you changed tenses a lot. At the beginning it was past tense, in the second paragraph present, and so on and so forth.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh--I just think this piece needs some major reworking. If you need some more input, or have any questions, please, tell me! I'd be happy to help.
I did like the first line.
Nice job!
Is the golden-brown her skin or her eyelashes? If it's the latter (which I assume it is) maybe consider saying "golden brown lashes around them" or something to clarify.
Change the end to "pretend that I know something." Because it's not everyday that she pretends to know something about eye behavior, is it? ...Also, it unintelligence really a word? I guess that doesn't matter though, this a journal after all --I definitely don't have spell-check on MY journal entries
Just a matter of opinion, I guess, but "Hmm" doesn't exactly seem like the kind of thing you'd write in a journal...
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All in all I thought it was lovely. Seemed like the musings of a 15yearold girl. And to be truthful, I couldn't really find anything negative to say about it--the critiques I have are really nit-picky... especially that last one... sorry!
Though it was rambly and didn't go much of anywhere, that's not the point, is it? Anyway, I like it... I might try doing a journal entry myself sometime... seems like a fun thing to write, not to mention a good excuse to write things that otherwise would not be accepted (ending sentences in prepositions, rambling and not thinking of an ending, etc)... Anyway, a good way to just write and not really worry about anything.
So yeah, good job, good luck, goodbye and good riddance and all that stuff (except the last, perhaps)!
Keep it up!!
~Azila