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139,421 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
I can tell from this poem that I like you, without ever even meeting you, but I think some major changes are in order, especially with the rhyme and syllable scheme-
"Close your eyes and think of joy,
Close your eyes and think of fun,
Close your eyes and do not think of what has been done."
(7-7-13) that definitely wont work
TOO many words in the 3rd line, don't touch the first two, but the 3rd is too long- maybe try "Close your eyes, don't think of what has been done." The biggest mistake you can make in a poem according to me is to waste words, even though my line probably is worse, you get the idea, DONT KILL THE FLOW in this type of poem.
Wrap the worries up and (through)? them away, throw
Wrap the mistakes up and flush them down,
Wrap all the pain up and watch it fall all the way down.
again with the last line-how bout "Wrap all the pain up and watch it fall down" i dont know if you could even make "fall all the way down work without making major changes to the scheme of the entire piece- and that is where this poem doesn't work, I dont know if a 10-9-14 syllable scheme (as in the 2nd stanza) can work unless Homer is writing it
Don't become angry,
Don't become sad,
Don't be depressed and hurt yourself bad.
Much better, nothing to pick out here
Try to keep yourself busy,
Try to keep yourself clean,
Try not to give up on life or forget all the (beautiful) things. Little maybe?
(even Jesus can't make 7-6-16? work)
LOVE the poem, but you MUST change the syllable counts, you can't have two short lines with a 3rd VERY long one, it just doesn't work here-but a simple solution is to just make 4 line stanzas, but this problem presents you with a great oppurtunity to remake this entire thing with the lyrics intact and make something special!
Love the simplicity of the wording too.
Hey Nick! Hope here to review!
So first off this poem is extremely vague, you don't ever explain what exactly has been done. Or why they're trying to forget things. Second, it's so repetitive, each stanza is just repeating the same thing, you don't really need three lines to say it.Down doesn't rhyme with down.
Bad rhyme, such a bad rhyme. It feels so forced, and when things feel forced it loses so much of its emotion and feeling.
Try to keep yourself clean? What's that supposed to mean?
Overall I'd suggest not focusing so much on the rhyming, but on the feeling of the poem, and it's meaning.
Good luck.
~Hope
Hello, snickerdooly! I really enjoy reading poetry, and reading your poem made me enjoy it even more. The verses rolled off my tongue with ease, and I've read it twice already - not because of mistakes but because I keep wanting to read it over and over again. I'm not going to say anything bad about it, simply because I don't see anything that you should change. The only thing I have left to say is, please keep writing poetry.
~DeadEndsAreOptional