Young Writers Society

Hey there!

I see you've mentioned you're making edits on clarifying the conveyed message, so I guess I don't need to say anything there. XD But if you were wondering I found it interesting and because I'm a sucker for mystery it was in a sense, captivating. However, I did come out a little bewildered so that's probably not the most pleasing of reactions.

I think I need to agree with classy that it's original but perhaps original enough to make it weird. In a way this is good, but to some readers it may be off putting. I see it as a giant enducing metaphor. It's brilliant.

What I will mention is your punctuation. Especially here:

The leaves on my branches fall to the ground.
The snow starts falling and winter comes around.
Next spring shows its bright colors.
The flowers blossom and the sun comes out.
My branches are heavy and the apples turn red.
The mood quickly changes into anything but dread.
Children come up and take one of my apples.

Hello! I like your concept, but some parts of your poem don't really make sense. I don't know what the first two lines mean, and I think you only said some things so that the poem would rhyme. You might want to try writing about the same thing, and not making it rhyme at all. Play about with different styles and have fun with it. And remember, if a poem only has three good lines, it should only be three lines long. If something doesn't need to be said, or doesn't add anything to the poem, then don't say it. Play around with different ways of saying what you want to say, because it's a very original idea.

Thanks guys. this is to captain classy, I never wrote the apple as being eaten I wrote it as like going through different stages. I'm re writing it so it makes more sense but I'm keeping the stuff about where it drowns because I'm trying to give the apple characterization. Thanks for the advice!

Oh! You're the apple!You might want to clarify that. I was confused. Actually, the whole thing was pretty confusing. You might want to do some re-writing, because It's not all that great, currently. However, it shows potential. Work on it! And welcome to YWS!

--Dreamy115

I just want to say that I love this. You should feel honored, because I never say that I love poems. haha

I love how original this is! Telling the weird story of an apple, well I like it. I like how I actually felt bad for it as it was eaten at the end.

I think you should get inside the apples head a bit. What does it feel about being eaten? Is it sad, or happy? Does it think that is what it was made to do? Just some things to think about.

Classy

Hello! I'm Lydia and I will be your reviewer today.

Ok so to start with I noticed that you haven't done any reviews, try to review more peoples work and then you will get more reviews in turn. Now onto the review...

I think that you should split some of your longer lines down, because this would make the overall poem flow much better. For example

snickerdooly wrote:The Fallen Apple

The Apple drops high from a tree,
what words are said can truly not be.
The truth I hear is truly real,
but I only hope I'll be saved by the hill.
Yet the hill comes up and I roll down,
right into the river I'll most likely drown.

Splitting me up into eight little pieces,
they take the seeds and plant them high,
with the sun and water I never die.

Soon my appearance changes into a tree, bigger and bigger I steadily flee.

He pick me up and sets me there, looking at me with true flair.

I will most likely drown